


Their petit Asmaani

by OneCoolCat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Baby Milestones, Bittersweet, F/M, Figuring out how to take care of a baby, Grief/Mourning, Happy moments sprinkled about, Hiding, Hybrids, Isolation, Jealousy, Memories, Mixed feelings, Parenthood, Past Lapis & Steven, Post SUF, Rain, Regret, Rekindling relationships, Sad and hopeless, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secrets, Self-loath, Single Father, Slice of Life, Stress, Unplanned Pregnancy, Winter, Yet hopeful, being alone, connverse - Freeform, jealous connie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 53,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneCoolCat/pseuds/OneCoolCat
Summary: Steven is left alone with a mistake he could only blame his self for. Being a cause of another death of a Gem yet seeing a birth of a new one right before his eyes was something he wouldn't want to relive.Now stuck with a huge mistake in a form of a human gem hybrid, he only has his self and his newborn daughter as he hides away in a cabin during the harsh winters of Montana in hopes that nobody would find out yet another wrongdoing he'd committed.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lapis Lazuli & Steven Universe
Comments: 67
Kudos: 59





	1. Brought into the world

A low-pitched, periodic whine echoed throughout the bare floors of the cabin.

Rain pelted down on the windows as a flash of lightning lit up the sky within the gray looming clouds.

The wails continued.

And so did his as he tugged at the sides of his hair.

It finally happened.

After so many months, it finally happened. 

It was finally her time to-

More tears streamed down his face. A few drops fell to the floor and sealed up a few errant cracks of the wood underneath of his feet.

Another streak of lightning lit up the sky and the small room, revealing an infant laying bare and cold on the bed. Her skin pale with light amniotic fluid on her frail body.

He couldn't go near her.

He wasn't ready to.

And he hated his self now for being so scared, so nervous and so.. ashamed with his self.

He could barely even look at her.

And her wails pierced through the crackles and the low rumbles of thunder.

Was this how his dad felt?

Was this.. the mirror image of his mother when she had him? When she gave up her form for him to come into the world?

He felt sick to his stomach and his hand reached up to his wet lips to cover his mouth as he dry heaved into it.

The feeling was something he'd experienced, but something he'd hoped he would never feel after his emotional episode. After his breakdown a year and a half ago..

Hurt. Sadness. Shameful. Disgusted. Feeling like he wasn't that "good boy" everyone thought of him as..

And with another Gem gone because of him, he was starting to believe it even more.

He, really _was_ a monst-

A higher pitched whine shattered through his thoughts. 

The wails never stopped.

But he couldn't make that first step towards his daughter.

His back laid glued to the door of the dull cabin as his eyes every now again painfully glance over at the fragile infant curled up on the blue ocean blankets of the empty bed.

This was a new beginning.

An end for one.

And yet, a brand new life for the blue teardrop gemstone.

He knew all too well that she was gone and that there was no going back.

She wasn't coming back.

And it was all his fault.

Not the baby's.

His eyes drifted towards the wailing infant once more before he swallowed down bile once again. 

Keeping his hand over his trembling mouth, he forced a single step out with one leg.

Then forced another step out with his other.

Slow and steady steps were taken towards the hybrid child.

Multiple streaks of lightning cut across the sky, eliciting a rhythmic lighting within the cabin walls.

The footsteps stopped just a foot away from the bed.

Eyes closed as tearless cries escaped her gummed frown.

The footsteps receded just two steps back.

What was he going to do now?

Her mother was gone and here he was being a variable to blame.

What was he going to do with a baby when he hadn't had his own life figured out yet? Let alone being in charge and responsible for such a fragile life of a newborn.

The wails grew more intense as no consoling was brought to her. 

No warmth, no movement of the sound wound, no whispers or laughters or even the smallest touch of someone's finger on her cold skin.

Only the pelting sound of raindrops and roaring thunder and the cold air.

If she was still here, she wouldn't like this.

She wouldn't allow her daughter to be left like this. To be treated with such fear or dare he say shame or even, being slightly mortified of her. 

The footsteps stepped closer to the edge of the bed.

Eyes were now looking at the infant. 

She would want her baby. _Their_ baby, to be treated right. 

To be treated with the utmost love and care like he was given as a baby.

The hand was lowered from his mouth as he slowly, cautiously touched the baby's messy skin on her delicate arm. 

So cold.

So soft.

He should at least wrap her up.

That was the very least he could do at this moment.

Without thinking about using a blanket on the bed, he took his shirt off and carefully, ..carefully.. placed the fabric over the infant before tucking it under her lightweight body. 

He wrapped her up gently and kept his hands under her, not ready to have the responsibility, the heart to pick her up just yet.

Another streak of lightning went by and lit up the room.

Such a pale baby.

With a small patch of icy blue fine hair over her tiny head.

The wails seemed to simmer slightly as warmth from his shirt soothed her skin.

What.. was he going to do?

He was all alone now with his newborn daughter.

He couldn't tell any of the Gems.

Or the Diamonds.

Or _anyone_ residing in Beach City.

No could know about this.

What he did to her..

And what.. came out of his mistake..

He wiped his cheek on his shoulder to smear a few tears alongside his face.

Why did he do it?

Why didn't he change his mind?

Why, didn't he say no?

Why, didn't _she_ say no?

Why.. why did they do that..

He sniveled above her as more tears blurred his vision. He blinked his eyes to rid the bleary view to see the infant softly wailing, tired and confused above his hands.

She was so small and helpless.

_Pick her up._

_Soothe her._

He could practically hear her mother saying in his ear as she placed her slim, blue hands on his shoulders. 

Another painful look down at the newborn.

He needed to do that.. for her mother..

And,.. for her.

Reluctantly, he slid his shaky hands under the back of the newborn and slowly raised his arms up. 

And stopped.

The baby just inches away from his face as she cracked open her blue eyes over the low-pitched whines.

Don't think about _her_ blue eyes. 

Though she had them. 

She had her mother's eyes..

This was too painfu-

A breath was taken by him.

He can do this.

He looked away, and slowly brought the newborn to his shoulder. 

Goosebumps chilled down the place she'd rested her head and down the rest of his body.

He was holding life in his hands that'd ended a life just minutes ago.

She wasn't her mom.

She was her own person.

And, she would always be her own person.

Seconds seemed to drag into minutes as he slowly processed everything that'd happened; from a morning that seemed no out of the ordinary with smiles and laughter to labor pains and the brewing of a sudden storm.

To life resting on his bare skin.

Reluctantly once again, as he heard her mother's words of encouragement to soothe and love their daughter, he raised his hand, still as pink as a soft petal of a rose, and placed his palm on the infant's upper back, just at the base of her neck and along her tiny shoulders. Steering clear of going any lower in fear of feeling the print of the gem through the cloth of his shirt. 

What.. was he going _to_ do?

Things were, without any doubt, going to be extremely difficult from here on out.

Raindrops followed the other down the glass of the windows.

And there was a very faint rumble of a soft thunder.

Without bothering to look back, it sounded as though the storm was dissipating. 

A very tired, both emotional and physically and drawned out sigh left his nearly clogged nostrils.

He took one single step, followed by a slide forward with his other foot. He merely shuffled to a brown, leather recliner.

It was hers. 

For the last couple of months this was her go-to place to sleep. 

It was, what gave her comfort during the last trimester of her pregnancy.

Now without a person to sit in it, he hesitantly, warily.. _grudgingly_ placed his self on the cool cushion of the recliner.

The leather rubbed and squeaked with his movement as he slid his self back into the chair and leaned slowly back into it.

The cabin felt.. dead. Empty. 

She was gone.

And he was here with their daughter.

It was only them.

And, it might only be them for however long.

He couldn't tell anyone.

No one.

His eyes hadn't looked at the infant resting quietly now on his shoulder since he'd placed her there.

He still couldn't stomach it.

Another inhale and another exhale by him.

Fresh tears slid down his pink cheeks and down to his chin. He felt a few tears drip from his skin and hit his collarbone. 

There was nothing he could do but move painfully forward. 

Her mother would want the both of them to live their lives and she would want their daughter to be happy and live a carefree life, unlike the lives they both had lived due to the Diamonds.

He swallowed hard as he tasted the salt of his tears on his lips.

This was his new beginning with his daughter.

Despite of the mixed feelings and the hurt he harbored within him, he was going to fulfill her mother's wishes and his hopes. Something that they _both_ had agreed on, though a bit more reluctantly on _his_ part. 

And that was giving her a normal, happy life as their daughter. As, his daughter..

He felt his head beginning to tilt to the side of his newborn as his temple touched her soft head.

He was already feeling that connection. That bond.

But the hurt and the shame still lingered under his skin.

He began massaging with just his thumb and finger along her fragile shoulders.

He was going to protect her.

He was going to be there for her.

He, was going to give her the life she already deserved.

And he was going to learn to do that.

It was only the two of them.

They only had each other now.

And he wasn't going to mess this up.

Not like so many other things he'd done in the past.

This would be different.

They were both going to be happy.

He was going to make his daughter happy.

  
  


If.. only her mother was here to experience this new life with them..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing on a whim here. Just wanted a quick break from my other two fics.
> 
> But yeaah, I hope _someone_ enjoyed this first little chapter 😯


	2. Twenty three minutes and counting

Twenty-three minutes had passed since a death of a Gem and a birth of a hybrid child.

Just twenty-three minutes.

He knew because he'd took his eyes away as the blue light engulfed her form. 

The surface of the clock on the wall showing the illuminated form as it wavered and with precious seconds later, shrunk into new life. 

The minute hand ticked off another sixty seconds.

_5:06p.m_

Twenty- _four_ minutes.

The baby was quiet now, but he didn't check if she was awake or asleep.

Her light breathing was more than enough for him and reassured him that she was at least, still with him.

How..

How did his father get through this?

What was going through his own mind when his mother gave up her form for him?

How did he ever get better?

And, would _he_ ever get better?

It would've been nice to have his father here to help him grieve to help him feel hopeful to, help him with his daughter. 

But he couldn't know.

How would his father feel about a Gem suffering the same fate as his mother?

How would the Gems or the Diamonds or anyone else feel?

His hand was slowly leaving the infant's shoulders and to his lap.

Everything was so fresh.

So vivid.

He could still hear the scared and pained screams of her. 

The pain and the clench of his heart only took over as very little hope seemed to surface through the depths of his being.

He closed his eyes to block out the presence of the empty cabin and the dark shadows on the wooded walls as the sun set in the distance. 

The pretty and cordial smile of the blue Gem.

The way she would hug him as they talked about their own past traumas.

How nice it felt to have someone to talk to. Someone that had an idea of what he was going through.

Then the sweet and sensitive times of them being together and getting closer to one another.

How nice it was back then.

Only for it to lead to something.

And only for that something to lead to this day.

His throat tightened as he tried to swallow.

Her eyes were full of fear of what was going to come next.

Those last few contractions.

The twist and pull and the heat of her Gem as the inevitable began to blossom into new life.

He could feel the heat of his own skin as pink slowly spread across his cheeks. The chills of his own body as the grimace painted the dull, sick features of his face with the hurt and ache grabbing at his lungs and his heart.

She was looking at him. Crying. Sobbing. Scared.

There was no going back and they both knew it.

As the last couple of contractions were happening, she'd grabbed for him, but in the mix of his traumatic mind, his racing heart, his stress flaring up into pink hues and his mind being held down with the disordered thoughts.. he'd.. stepped back. _Away_ from her. 

She'd needed him at that moment.

That very moment she'd needed him the most. To comfort her during the last seconds of being her.

But all he could do was cower.. and move away from the shame and the guilt and _her_.

And the situation.

And, the look on her face at the last moment.

The disheartened and look of betrayal on her face.. then soon accompanied by the last painful labored contraction. 

".. Steven.." her voice was low, but he could hear the distress and fear in her voice.

He couldn't move towards her.

He kept moving back and the pain and confusion in her blue eyes grew.

She let out another grunted, panted sob. "Steven.."

He felt his head shake only once. 

He should've said something comforting. Something happy. Something, worth her last seconds.

But all he could choke out was a meek, shaky, pathetic, woeful, "I'm sorry.." 

Her eyes were ever despondent.. crestfallen.

More tears fell down Steven's face as he relived his last words to her and how downhearted she must've felt those last few seconds.

That was just another memory he'd regretted.

He should've been there until the very end.

He had a feeling his father did.

He probably even held his mother's hand or hugged her or caressed her skin until the very last second.

Too late for him.

And he was remorseful. No words could describe how sorry he felt that he'd reacted in that way.

But she will never know that.

Never.

He took a deep breath as he tried to ease his troubled mine away from what'd occurred nearly a half an hour ago. 

And, minutes past in silence.

Even the rumbles of the thunder had completely dissipated. The storm having ended sometime from the moment he started for the chair and up to this point. 

And the once loud sobs that came out of him were now quiet tears of forced acceptance.

Everything was eerily quiet.

He continued to rest his pinkish red eyelids over his tired, solemn eyes.

Moments passed him by. 

Quiet.

And still.

The leather chair not making a single sound of protest as he shifted slightly.

He just wanted to lay back and drift away from the present. But he could only do so much as "rest" his body and his disarrayed, jumbled mind.

Moments passed by in silence in the darkening of the cold, quiet cabin.

He sat there unmoving..

Trying to rest..

Drifting..

.. There was a feel of something heavy. The cloth of his shirt hanging lower as the feel of warm water leaked through his shirt and to his arm-

He snapped his eyes open and realized what was happening as the liquid escaped the folds of the cloth and down his skin.

He took his other arm from his lap and brought the infant away from his shoulder and held her up in front of him, right as the last drops hit his pants leg.

He looked back up at the weary, blue eyes of the newborn.

How nice..

Notwithstanding, in hindsight, it _should've_ behooved him to put a diaper on an infant.

This would've been avoided.

Holding in a sigh, he got up from the chair.

He pulled the wet cloth upwards to prevent anything from dripping onto the bare floor and he started his sluggish shuffle to the small kitchen part of the cabin.

He heard a small crackle, a faint hiccup in his arm and his heart squeezed in his chest as he anticipated what was about to happen. 

Another hiccup as the baby squirmed in his arm. A small, low-pitched cry came out of her mouth. 

There was another resisted sigh from him.

Another hiccup and another whine slightly stronger than the last.

She's cold.

That's most likely it.

With the accident in his now wet shirt, that could be the reason.

His legs were shuffling faster to the sink now.

It will be quick.

Just a very quick rinse at least. 

In that time, he can also clean the amniotic fluid of her.

The infant was crying louder. The cries now ever evident as she fussed weakly in his arms.

He wanted to say something soothing to her, though the words never came out.

His mouth was so dry and so tense.

Instead, he quickened his pace towards the faucet and peeled the soiled shirt from her and placed it in the inside corner of the sink.

With one hand holding onto a wet and cold crying infant, he used the other, still noticeably pink, to turn the faucet on. 

He tried the water. 

Too hot.

He adjusted the knobs and ran his hand up to his inner wrist once again under the water.

Too cold.

He adjusted and tried the water a few more times before finding the right temperature.

He splashed the warm water onto the cool material of the sink to warm the spot before placing her inside.

While holding her head as she cried louder, he went to quickly damp his fingers under the water. 

He placed his thumbs and fingers delicately over her face as he wiped the matter off of her skin.

He ran his hand under the water two more times as he went back and forth to wipe her face. With the same water the third go round, he ran a soft and gentle palm over her hair to the back of her neck.

With a thudding and aching heart, he had to ignore the drastic cries from the infant. 

Just a few more cups of water along her skin and that would be it.

He placed his hand under the water and in a cupped position, he brought over a warm scoop of water from the running faucet.

It was poured gently over with a slow tilting hand as he went side to side on both shoulders.

Then he wiped with soft, delicate fingers over her back and with a twisted knot in his stomach, forced a finger to graze over the teardrop..

More warm water was poured over her shoulders and he smoothed his fingers over her quivering stomach as she wailed. Keeping the umbilical stump dry and away from the water, he went back and cupped his hands for another scoop of water.

He poured it below her waist and over her legs.

He poured two more scoops of warm water from her waist on down before quickly turning the faucet off.

The cries echoed louder in absence of the rushing sound of the water.

He placed her back on his shoulder to hear the screams directly into his ear. 

He took calming breaths as he felt his body grow ever faintly bigger.

Her father had to be calm.

The easily ticked power he was still learning how to control had to be under wraps. He had to remember his therapy sessions, his talks.

He shouldn't let his mind make this already big situation feel even bigger.

She was only crying.

His body and his mind and in extent, his Gem powers had to realize that.

Just warm her up and swaddle her.

He was remembering just bits and pieces from those online baby books.

He should've read more..

He placed her in a small, plain, tan bassinet that had been placed and left by the side of a near bare oak wood dresser.

As the wails grew sharper, he rushed his self over to the other side of the room to a medium-sized bag under the windowsill.

As he opened the bag, he noticed a different feel in the area around him. Everything seemingly in a rush as he took out a diaper and the first onsie he saw in the bag and rummaging through the bag for any two blankets.

He ran over and noticed the extremely slow movement and quiet wails of his daughter.

The world around him now in slow motion.

He shook his head madly, trying to stop going so fast and forcing this uncontrollable power to stop. 

He heard the high-pitched sounds of his daughter as he came back to the same time plane and motion the world was in and he grabbed one of the blankets and began to gently pat her dry. Again, avoiding the top of her back. 

Forgetting about a towel, he dried the rest of her body and grabbed her frail legs gently and opened the diaper and slid it underneath of her. 

After quickly putting the diaper on as he sealed the second wing over to secure it, he opened the onsie and went for her arm.

Easily and cautiously, yet with a slight haste to his movement, he put the onsie on his newborn and grabbed the blanket. 

Trying to remember more pieces of information that he'd read, he tried his best to make a decent wrap with the blanket.

The baby was snuggled securely and warmly within the light blue blanket and he was quick to place her back on his shoulder on the opposite side on his clean arm.

He rubbed along her shoulders, still being clear of her back, yet the wails never ceased.

Just two minutes passed and she continued to cry.

He pushed his legs to move and began walking slowly in a start of a pace of going back and forth in the room.

Just seconds passed as he turned around and shuffled towards the other side of the room in his pace when his frazzled mind finally came across a thought of his daughter possibly being hungry.

Why hadn't he thought of that earlier..

Distracted mind or not, he should've thought about that a long time ago before it even came to this point.

He hurried on his legs and placed the crying infant back into the bassinet and rushed to the kitchen. Frantically, he washed his hands passed the wrist, turned a knob on the top of the stove and started pulling out drawers above and below him.

How could he'd forgotten where they stored those new bottles?

His mind couldn't focus on a lot of things. 

Another two drawers were pulled before he saw five bottles all in a different color of blue and laying neatly beside each other. He grabbed the bottle, the nipple and the ring and yanked a pan from the dish holder on the counter. He threw the three pieces into the pan and ran some water inside it before placing it on one of the two back burners. 

The rings sizzled against the bottom of the pan.

He rushed to the other end of the counter and snatched a tiny scoop and a small, cylindrical container that'd been stacked on top of other cylindrical containers of baby food. 

Powered formula.

The gold font spelling out the name _Enfa-lac_ on the blue and gold print of the label. 

He tore a small folded piece of paper from the back of the round container and began reading it.

The amount of water and how many scoops for the feeding were near enough simple to read.

And without a measuring cup and not necessarily knowing his way around measurements from lack of exposure to the metric system, he would have to give his best judgement and hope for the better.

The water was now boiling around the items in the pot.

Just a few more minutes he would take them out and prepare the food.

And as the pitched wails continued, he started to hope that the minutes would go by fast.

He opened the gold colored cap, then peeled the plastic covering from the container to see the powdered food inside.

There was a case of water bottles that he and Lapis, during her pregnancy, would occasionally grab and drink. 

He walked over to the case just beside a small mini fridge and he grabbed one bottle. 

Minutes went by too slow for him and even slower for his screaming daughter.

He turned the knob off with a click and turned the faucet on. Without thinking or caring, he grabbed the bottle from the boiling water of the pan and ignored his scorched hand and ran the bottle under warm water before slowly changing the water to a more cool temperature to cool off the interior.

He placed the bottle on the counter and picked up the scoop.

Carefully, he scoped up the contents and shook the small handle to level the powder before dumping it into the bottle. 

Just two and a half scoops he put in the container before twisting the cap off the bottle and pouring the water inside. 

Not one hundred percent sure on how much three fourths cup of water would be, he filled the tiny bottle just a little more than halfway. 

Now with the food made, hopefully correctly, he plucked the ring and the nipple from out the hot water of the pan and rinsed them off with warm water and slowly changed the water to a cooler temperature. 

He put the nipple and the ring on the bottle and made sure the pieces were twisted in correctly and secured. 

He then picked up the bottle of milk and began shaking it as he hurried his steps towards the crying infant.

He picked her up gently from the bassinet and was careful of her head as he held it securely in his palm.

He placed the bottle lightly in her mouth. 

The newborn only fussed, not paying any attention to the bottle. 

Already distressed from everything else that had occurred, yet not so much as giving up hope, Steven gave the bottle a gentle shake and a drop of milk landed on her tongue. 

The cries continued before her mouth closed involuntarily and opened back as she wailed out. The milk being swallowed in the process. 

He shook the bottle again and two more drops of milk fell on her tongue. A small trail slid to the cormer of her mouth as she swallowed the rest.

She went to swallow more as she whimpered softly and he placed the bottle back in her mouth. 

Within the soft whimper of her cries her lips slowly latched onto the bottle. 

Steven watched as she tried the nipple of the bottle, getting more out of the container. The soft cries began to wane as she took in more milk. 

He watched her take more slow, weak sips as she began to relax. The whimpering stopping altogether as she fed on the bottle.

And just like that, the area was quiet once more.

He let out a breath of tired relief.

She was hungry.

He can calm down now.

As he tried telling his mind before, he shouldn't take her crying as a gigantic stress job that would add to his traumatic one.

She was content now.

She was quiet.

Though his thoughts still weren't, despite of trying to be calm, but the height difference and the glowing pink skin were telltale signs that his body was still under stress.

He should sit down. 

Take a breather.

Relax his legs and try to relax his mind.

He dragged his feet across the wooden floors and back to the recliner where he took his stiff time to sit down and slide back as he held the bottle up for his daughter.

He looked at the container. The milk was going down slowly.

His eyes only looked from the milk and down to her mouth. Never at her whole face. 

He.. still couldn't force his self to look at his own daughter.

Not at the moment.

But, it wasn't her fault.

It _wasn't_ her fault.

It will never be her fault. 

It will never be his daughter's fault.

She was innocent and hadn't ask them to be brought into this world.

But she was here and his hurt, crushed and desolate feelings had intermingled with the warmth he was already feeling towards her.

Still, he couldn't have the heart to look at those blue eyes or even the blue tuff's of hair just yet.

He looked around the cabin instead to pass the time as she continued to drink from the bottle quietly.

What a day.

What an.. afternoon..

It all felt like one huge nightmare.

And at the same time, he was so tired. Drained.

He closed his eyes, only to quickly open them back up to keep track of the amount of the milk.

Colic was the last thing he would want an hour old infant to have.

The bottle was halfway now and she was still steadily drinking from it.

A particular pull was tugging at him. The curiosity and the slight emotional, fond want to look at his newborn daughter.

His eyes darted to her face and back to see a quick glimpse of closed eyes.

Hesitantly, he looked back up at her.

The baby had her eyes closed as she sucked on the bottle slower. 

This is.. good.

She's going to sleep.

And.. that would give him the time.. for what exactly?

Sulk?

He couldn't talk to anyone.

Or, he didn't choose to.

There was no thorough celebrating of a birth of another hybrid as a result of a death of a Gem.

And, her mother wasn't here to enjoy their bundle of.. joy? 

That wasn't what he was feeling at the moment.

But something warm and gentle was still there.

He watched her for a few moments as each try for the bottle became slower and slower. Her lips eventually loosening slightly as she stopped.

She was just as tired as him it seemed.

He gently took the bottle away from her and placed it on the chair beside him.

He looked at the sleeping baby.

A reluctant feeling came to him as his mind told him that he would have to burp her.

That would mean he would have to pat her back.

Most likely touching the teardrop. 

There was no other choice for him.

He had to do it.

Unwillingly, he shifted the infant from the cradled angle of his arm to the front of his shoulder waking her up in the process. Her eyes peeking out into the world blearily before closing back.

He raised a hand up and paused.

Would touching or patting on the gemstone hurt her?

Was the gemstone.. somehow fragile now due to the high, intense reforming with new life?

His hands were still pink.. would he not know his own strength and regrettably put a mark on her gemstone? Or crack it or.. sha-

He cleared his throat roughly as he shut his eyes tightly.

He took another breath and opened his eyes. 

Very slowly, he placed a hand on her back, not quite enough to make an effect.

He moved his hand away and with a smidge more pressure, he brought his hand back down on her back.

To him that felt like enough pressure for such a tiny hybrid with a likely sensitive gemstone right where he had to pat. 

Gently and carefully, he pat at her back and in his mind, he thought he felt the imprint of her gemstone through the blanket and her onsie..

It hadn't taken long for him to hear a small, faint burp from her.

He continued to pat her back gently.

There could be more.

He had to make sure.

He didn't want her to have any kind of discomfort.

Moments later there was another burp, much fainter than the last.

He kept the slow, rhythmic pats over the blanket for just a few more moments. When nothing else came out, he lowered his hand back down and kept her face on his shoulder.

Now that that was over, he simply sat there.

But, he also felt a bit accomplished. A bit.. fuzzy inside.

His daughter was warm and fed and safe in his arm.

He wouldn't let anything happen to her.

This was his daughter.

And he was going to do right by her. Be her father.

Calming breaths moved in and out through his nose and the chair became less small behind him. His skin still pink and his hair still fluffed as he leaned back on it. 

He still wasn't calmed. 

Haven't been since this morning, but still glowing pink since her dea-

He blinked his eyes rapidly and screwed his eyes shut before springing them back open. Forcing himself to stop thinking of that memory.

Another very deep breath. 

He tilted his head back and turned his neck to the side to check on the newborn. 

She'd already fallen back to sleep. 

He kept his eyes on her silently before turning his head away to stare back into the empty cabin. Moments passed before he'd closed his own eyes. 

Seconds drifted into minutes as time passed them by silently. 

With the still and quiet atmosphere of the cabin, he started to feel his own self drift to sleep. He was more mentally tired and drained than anything.

He put his other arm on the infant, ready to shift her to that arm as he got more comfortable on the recliner, but quickly realized how dirty and soiled that particular arm still was. 

The left side of his pants also wasn't the cleanest from the incident earlier..

Taking a shower would probably do. Clean himself up.

Maybe taking a shower would help clear his mind as well. 

With the other hand keeping hold of the baby's head, he pushed his self up from the chair and walked over to the bassinet. 

He set her down on the cushion lightly. 

His eyes were unmoving from the infant for a solid few seconds before finally peeling his self away. 

With aches and pains in his body that was more so emotional than physical, he walked across the room to the bathroom.

He should take a quick shower.

Just in case she needs him.

He took off his clothes and threw them in a waist height laundry bin and jumped into the tub. Twisting the knobs and adjusting the water at a temperature to his liking only took a few seconds. 

Time was ticking and he was losing seconds of his time away from the infant that could wake up at any moment due to any reason.

That's what his mind kept thinking about. 

Soap was poured into the cabin's loofah and he began a very quick stub down of his body as he stayed directly underneath the water.

He tried to quiet his mind.

He'd only been in there for just a few minutes.

Still, anything could be happening.

Anything.

What if something was happening now and he couldn't hear the infant screaming her lungs out due to the water being too loud?

He turned the water pressure down and peeled back the shower curtain. 

Through the opened bathroom door he could see the bassinet and the dresser.

He didn't hear a cry or a single hiccup of a sob.

His mind was wrong-

He slid the curtains back and continued his shower. 

-At least this time.

Anything could still happen while he's in the shower.

She starts crying.

She gets hurt in the bassinet.

He felt his self going over the rest of his body in a way that surely didn't help with any deep cleaning.

The bassinet could tip over and fall.

Maybe she'll find a way to roll out of the bassinet and to the floor.

Maybe she had one last burp left that she didn't get out and her stomach is getting more gassy.

Maybe she's cold. He did only put one blanket on her.

What if she-

What if the bassinet-

What if.. 

_What_ if..

What if..

Different scenarios played in his mind until he couldn't take his apprehensive thoughts anymore. 

What if she got hurt somehow?

What if she moves on her back a certain way and cracks her gem? 

What if she stops breathing?

What if.. she _stopped_ breathing?

He dropped the loofah and pulled the curtains back and hopped out the tub.

His wet skin slipped across the tiled floor and he barely regained his balance as he ran out.

He all but lunged forward into the bassinet and scooped up the quiet, sound infant.

He placed a quick, nervous hand on her belly to feel the reassuring movement as it lifted up and back down as she breathed.

And _he_ breathed out. A sigh of relief.

She was okay and still peacefully sleeping away.

Reassured and relieved now, he realized that the shower was still on and that he still had lathered soap still over his body. And he realized how cold he was.

He placed the infant back into her bassinet and finished what he was doing. He made a quick rinse of his body for a few seconds and turned the shower off before placing the damp loofah on a hook just underneath of the showerhead.

He dried his self off and put on his thermals he'd gotten from the dresser.

Now a bit cleaner and with clean and warm clothes on, he closed the drawer of the dresser and turned to his side to peer inside to look at the newborn.

She was still doing fine and sleeping calmly.

At peace.

Innocent and without a care.

Just a baby.

A sense of guilt began to creep in once again.

As if it'd even left.

He turned to face her fully.

She doesn't even know it yet.

How different and how special she is.

Both a human and a Gem.

Just like him.

Though.. _seventy-five_ percent Gem.

Would she.. be different than him?

How different?

Would she even have Gem powers like her mother?

Like.. him? 

Or.... her grandmother?

Would she have both of their powers or would she only have the dear teardrop on her back as a, dare he say.. spectacular jewelry? And, live her life as a human being?

Now was most likely too early to know that.

And what mattered now was that she was okay and that she would continue being okay, _despite_ of no doctors or nurses performing all of those tests on her. 

Sure, he'd read the website. 

Multiple times even. 

The baby undergoing so much in just a few hours. 

Being given antibiotic eye ointment, being checked for any malformations or infections, getting a certain Apgar Score after having their vital signs and physical responsiveness evaluated, getting the vitamin k shot, just to name a few.

That was important for a human baby.

And a human baby that wasn't being hidden from the world and had access to a hospital.

But, they were fine.

That's what he was telling his self.

It would've been a good idea for her to get the same treatment.

She was also human after all.

But he couldn't jeopardize that right now. Nobody could know about her.

Besides, she was seventy-five percent Gem.

Hopefully those tests wouldn't had pertained to her.

And if something were to happen, he could always heal her.

They were okay.

He didn't get the hospital treatment and he turned out fine physically. 

Could've been because he was a Gem, or, a Gem with _healing_ powers in which whatever bad thing could've happened as a baby, he'd been healed without him, his dad or any of the Gems knowing.

Still, they were fine. They were well.

She was a Gem and he half figured and half hoped that that meant she was more robust.

And, she had him.

He had his healing spit and he had his tears.

They. were. okay.

They had each other.

They were okay..

He had nothing to worry about..

His eyes lay unmoving on the little one inside of her small, cushioned enclosure. 

He watched as her tiny nose crinkled up with a pout of her lips. She squirmed slightly before her face relaxed once more. 

That made him smile. 

A sad smile, but a smile no less. 

She was a precious little thing and already had his heart. 

No matter how broken or bruised it was.

This bittersweet moment was it for him. 

Now with a daughter, he _had_ to get through this pain as well as his lingering past trauma. He would get better for her and for himself.

He would get better. 

For her _and_ for himself. 

He leaned over and scooped her up in his arms and looked at her sleeping soundly. 

He placed one, gentle kiss on her forehead before wrapping the blanket back over her head. 

He placed her back down gently. 

He was tired. Extremely tired.

She was getting her rest and, so should he. 

He turned to the bed. 

He shuffled only a few steps towards it before he stopped. 

He looked at the blue desolate sheets. 

He couldn't do it. 

Not yet..

It was too painful. 

The only thoughts now was her mother's last moments. 

He turned away and weakly and in defeat, he began to slid his self down towards the floor as he sulked. 

With his feet planted on the ground, he placed his elbows on his knees as he stared at the side of the bassinet. 

A death and a birth.

He sighed and tilted his head back.

He opened his sorrowful eyes as he turned his head to the side to see the clock ticking to another minute. 

She had been officially gone for just a little over an hour and, his daughter was just a little over an hour old. 

Still so many mixed feelings of pain and delight, sorrow and joy, fear and excitement, gloom and happiness, shame and being proud, guilt and delight. 

Such a confusing mixture that churned his stomach and squeezed at his heart. 

He closed his eyes. 

Please..

It was over and it was time to move away from.. what happened. 

Why can't he realize that?

His brain still wasn't registering that. 

Or in denial as it tried not to. 

He needed to accept what was now reality.

Maybe.. in time he could do that..

Everything was still fresh.. but maybe he could improve slowly but surely. 

Day after day..

He'll get through it.

Just, take things one step at a time. 

That's all he can do now. 

He opened his eyes back and with a drained sigh, he pushed his self back up to his feet. 

He took his steps over and peered into the bassinet to look at his daughter again. 

His brain was worried about her like before and thinking and worrying about her.

Thankfully, she was still okay. 

Though, he didn't want to leave her. 

His still frenzied mind was still playing out frightening and worrisome scenarios that could happen to her. 

With his mentally exhausted mind, he grabbed the edge of the bassinet and began rolling it towards the recliner. 

He sat down on the brown seat and leaned down. He clicked open a small rectangular handle that was placed on one of the legs and he began lowering the small bed down at a comfortable level where he would be able to watch her carefully and get to her quickly. 

He locked the piece back securely into place and with a leveled, nervous, studious look, ensuring once again that the infant was safe and sound, he turned his body back into the chair and leaned back. He pulled the lever on the side to raise up the footrest.

He placed his hands on his stomach as he laid back. Barely a few minutes had passed and his eyes were drooping and already fluttering, only to snap back open to look at the hour old infant, then fluttering to a close and snapping back open again to look at her, then inspect the area of the cabin, then look back at her again.

He was even more tired.

Mentally tired.

And now physically tired, despite it being so early in the evening.

But he couldn't stay up. 

So.. perhaps he should relax. 

Take a break. 

He was sure that's what he needed. 

Despite of him also being sure that he should _also_ be keeping a very close eye on the newborn. 

He snapped his eyes open once more. 

No.. he should definitely get some rest. 

Now he could barely hold his eyes open. 

He needed to save up a bit of energy anyway.

He opened his eyes from his potential nap once again. 

He looked at the newborn just one more time.

Peaceful, content and safe. 

With worry still heavily knitted in his mind, he reluctantly closed his eyes.

Even if he doesn't take at least a very tiny nap, he could.. at least _rest_ his eyes. 

Even.. if it's just for a few minutes-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter is up! Woohoo!
> 
> The fic's going pretty slow with it's sad tones and I plan to write it out like this for a few more chapters with little to no dialogue until we get further into the story. Just want to set the mood and the tone as we look into Steven's turmoil directly after the death of Lapis and the birth of his daughter.
> 
> Hope everyone is liking this kind of story though!  
> I also want to kindly thank everyone who have kudoed, commented and, even subscribed to the fic. Thank you :) ✌️


	3. Just a few hours later..

Steven woke up to the sound of a low-pitched cry beside him. 

Exhaustion nearly prevented him from opening up his eyes as he heard the low, rhythmic sobs. 

He wanted to go back to sleep.

Maybe even live a bit more in his dream world of Lapis still being here. Of him not being at fault for her not being there with him. 

But, also having their daughter with him as well.

He already had his attachment to her too, after all.

The dream could be of them living as a family-

The whines of the tiny infant grew louder in his ear. 

He slowly pried his eyes open and looked over at the newborn squirming within the swaddle of the blanket with her face scrunched up as she cried. 

There was still this pain and this faint delight in him. 

This was his daughter. 

He was actually a father now.

This was his new life. 

Resisting to close his eyes back and relax, he leaned up as he pulled his legs in, pushing the footrest back into the recliner.

He looked up at the clock on the dark brown wall.

According to the time, only two and a half hours had went pass. Yet, it somehow felt like only five minutes, as if he'd just closed his eyes right before waking up to her delicate, hiccup-esque cry.

He pushed his self up from the chair as he felt the bottle fall behind him. 

He looked back. 

The bottle only had just a swallow of milk still inside. 

He hadn't washed the bottle out. 

He'd fallen asleep and had forgotten. 

Nor had he cleansed the other new bottles in boiling water. 

He'd fallen asleep _and_ had. forgotten.

He would've started for the kitchen to quickly boil the new bottles, but the way the baby was already being incredibly fussy as she cried harder, he figured she wouldn't make it that long.

He decided to, instead, thoroughly rinse out the old bottle and hope for the better.

Perhaps he was already being a bad parent by doing this.

Was simply rinsing out the bottle safe?

Why was he taking such a chance with a newborn not even six hours old yet?

Why was he taking a _chance_ in general with his child?

That was bad.

The infant continued to wail in the bassinet. 

Unsure thoughts in his mind, he grabbed the bottle and rushed towards the kitchen part of the cabin. 

He unscrewed the ring and the nipple off and ran the three pieces under some very hot water. 

He had to blank out the pain of his hands under the scorching faucet.

The tiny bottle was set on the counter.

The container of powdered milk was still sitting in the middle of the counter, right where he'd left it just a few hours earlier. The near empty water bottle was sitting right beside it.

Two and a half scoops were placed into the bottle before he poured the room temperatured water inside.

Hopefully he'd rinsed everything out thoroughly.

Hopefully he'd put in the proper amount of water into the container.

 _Hopefully_ he did everything right.

The bottle was made quickly and even quicker were his stiff, lead feeling legs.

He stopped right at the side of the bassinet. 

The blanket was still well wrapped around the wailing, squirming newborn.

With heavy, tired arms, he scooped up the infant and placed the bottle in her mouth.

Like before, she continued to cry.

The same method was used; placing a couple drops of milk on the tip of her tongue for her to eventually swallow the formula. 

A third drop lessoned her whimpers as she swallowed it down like the first two. She began puckering her lips for more and Steven placed the bottle back in her mouth for her to quickly latch on. 

The whimpers began to quiet down more until it stopped.

She began drinking the milk.

The cabin was eerily quiet once more.

And he noticed again how still and tensely calm the cabin was.

He looked behind himself and at the recliner.

Sitting down wouldn't be a good idea at the moment.

He was way too exhuasted.

That would only result in him sleeping and thus, not watching the baby or the bottle. 

He should stand instead, despite of his rigid legs.

He took one place over the cabin to find something to look at. Something to distract him.

The dark wooded flooring and walls, the roof, the dresser, the few baby items that he'd quickly glanced over, the bed that he'd also quickly glanced over, the one rug by the front door, the fridge, the window-

His eyes couldn't help but be yanked down towards the newborn in his arm.

Quiet and awake as she suckled on the bottle. Her eyes looking up at her dad.

Why must the dread seep in more when he looked at her, accompanied by that heartfelt, heartwarming feeling?

He let out a sigh he felt bad making.

Who would've thought this would ever happen?

This very day?

Who, would've even thought that he and Lapis would become just more than friends but.. something that wasn't quiet love either?

Though perhaps in time it could've blossomed into that. 

It was a feeling that was hard to describe, but it was something more than friendship, but not just a fling.

Still, that's what had been going on for almost a year.

Meeting up with him during his road trip to check up on him, then for them to have deep, meaningful talks that would pertain to him or her own trauma or both. Then, relishing in each other's company and feeling better at having talking about their problems and talking them out. 

But a day would come where she would meet him in Niagara Falls after his short drive from Buffalo, New York.

Their conversation would go seemingly normal, before the atmosphere shifted to something different. Then with the sway of the air and the rushing beautiful water and their awkward, confused, short conversation within the mix, they would share their first kiss. 

From then, things would be a bit confusing and cheerful and nervous and blithe and apprehensive and fun. All at once.

Weeks would pass where those feelings would get stronger and emotions would become slightly more physical. They became more than just a handshake, more than just a long hug or a peck on the lips, the temple, the cheek, the nose, the forehead. 

It would lead to longer hugs, longer kisses, the kisses going to someone's chin or neck.

There would be more talks about their relationship, about how they viewed each other. 

More days would pass them by and things would only become more invigorating, the feelings becoming more strong and yearning for more. A touch of skin, another kiss before the other would leave, someone's hand touching over a gem.

Nobody would've ever thought.

Nobody.

Nobody, including themselves would ever had thought they would become something more.

And then.. actually going that far into their relationship.

She shapeshifted. _She_ went that far. 

He didn't stop her. _He_ went that far. 

_They_ both went that far.

On multiple occasions.. 

He looked down at the result of their doing. 

Still suckling on the bottle quietly. Her eyes glazing from nothing in particular and back up at him.

What feelings he was having now. 

It both hurt because her mother was gone and at the same time in his suffering heart, he was happy that the newborn was content as she laid in his arm blissfully unaware of her life and the situation as she drunk her milk.

He'd only kept his eyes on the infant for just a few more heartbreaking and heartwarming seconds before looking back up to look at something else in the room. 

His eyes went to the opened curtains overlooking the night outside. 

He walked over to look out through the glass sprinkled with drops of rain. 

He looked at the bleary scenery in front of him. 

A Grove of trees surrounding the area. Their leaves drooping heavy from the raindrops as they steadily dropped from the edges of the rustic red and orange foliage.

The flimsy awning of the cabin tilted slightly from the heavy winds from earlier.

The flattened, wet grass and the night sky spread out and high above them.

And everything blanketed in the dark blue of the night.

 _She_ loved the rain. 

The storm was long gone now and rain puddles and mud and fallen leaves and branches were left in its wake.

If she was still here she would be running outside and stepping into the puddles. 

He would be running around the wet grounds with her, only to be splashed with puddle water. 

She would get a lucky splash in before he would summon his bubble.

A rather complacent look on his face as he folded his arms at her. His chin up in the air in triumph as she could only look at him from the outside. 

Though the nature between the two was playful and a bit kittenish if anything. 

She would feign defeat and he would unsommon his bubble to get a nice splash in the face again, only hearing her snorting laughter as he wiped at his eyes. 

Or, they would be at a standstill for hours as he stayed in his bubble. 

_Hours_ on _hours_ on _hours._

And.. _hours_..

He would go from standing, to sitting down, to laying down.. to closing his eyes as the hours carried on. 

Then he would be awoken by a huge splash of water over his whole body.

Just one of the many upsides of being a Gem and not having to sleep, thus being able to wait until the half Gem human hybrid teen fell asleep and wait until his bubble dissipate to make her move and strike.

Sometimes that would startle him and make his cheeks glow in which that _did_ make her feel bad.

..for only a few seconds before she splashed him again.

Only sometimes the splashing would get him just a bit annoyed. Only a bit and that was when his mind was stuck on his past thoughts or, it was just one of those days he didn't feel like joking around.

But now looking outside in the post dreary weather over the dampened area?

Now he wouldn't even summon his bubble. He would let her splash water in his face all night until there were no more puddles left in the whole vicinity of Montana. 

How he wished she was still here.

And, for some in denial reason, he had this feeling she would sneak up on him at any moment and make a quick grab at his shoulders from behind and spook him, as she'd done before plenty of times.

But not this time.

The moment never did come.

And it never will.

Another glance over in the area outside, he turned back around at nobody in the cabin. No blue gem watching Camp Pining Hearts and laying back on the recliner, no blue gem untwisting a cap from a water bottle and showing off her hydrokinesis as she swirl the water in a short stream out of the water and into her mouth, no blue gem relaxing on the bed with an arm behind her head, just relaxing safely with no fear in the world anymore and, no blue gem here with him. To hug him and to comfort him, especially during this tough and sensitive time. 

He turned away from those painful imaginative thoughts of her still being there and he turned back to the window.

He should draw the curtains.

He looked down at the infant. 

The bottle was nearly gone now and she was still suckling.

Did he give her enough milk this time?

Was she still really hungry?

He watched the last bit of milk sink down to the nipple of the bottle as she drunk the last once of it.

He gently pulled the bottle from her mouth to prevent even just a smidge of air for her to swallow.

He wedged the tiny, infant bottle in his pocket and used the one hand to grab at the long stick on the side of the curtain. He pulled the curtain rod across the window and the attached blinds slid across with him and to the other side of the window. He stopped just at the edge of the panel and began twisting the rod. The blinds flickered forward to a close.

His eyes lowered down to the infant staring back at him with her icy blue eyes. 

He screwed his eyes shut and leaned his back a bit too forcefully to the wall. He leaned on it desperately for support.

The pain was borderline unbearable yet he still had this small bit of warmth in his chest as he felt the gentle touch of the baby's body in his arm.

Would he ever get used to this or would he only just think about this day whenever he looked at his daughter?

He dragged a still glowing pink hand over his desolate, grieving face before dropping it loosely by his side. 

He kept his eyes closed as he leaned a much poofier version of his black hair on the wall.

He breathed in.. and breathed out..

Maybe the feeling will never go away..

Maybe it will?

Did it ever truly go away for his own dad?

It's a shame that he can't talk to him.

It's a shame he _won't_ talk to him about this.

He can't.

Steven only continued to lean his hopeless body on the cold, cabin wall. 

He took in and blew out more breaths.

An unknowing amount of minutes went by before he heard a nasally sniffing noise accompanied by the wiggling feel of the baby in his arm.

Still, his eyes kept close.

The nasalled noise grew more just before he heard a choked hiccup and a faint start of a low-pitched cry. 

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked down to see the on start of the infant's feebled wail.

What was it now?

He'd fed her.

Unless it really wasn't enough?

The cries grew loud quickly.

He hadn't quite heard this sort of cry from her.

His eyes snapped open fully and he pushed off the wall.

What was wrong with her?

Was she sick?

Was she in pain?

Did it have anything to do with the milk?

Is her gem okay?

What if it's her gem?

Maybe it's her gem.

It has to be her gem.

He unwrapped the blanket from her and fumbled with the first few buttons on her onsie. He used the hand she was laying on to push her towards him as his other hand lifted the fabric of the onsie back as he ordered down the shirt. 

The teardrop was intack and pristine.

Nothing seemed wrong with it.

Though her cries became more agitated as more choking hiccups mixed in with her weak cries.

Was she choking?

It sounded like she was.

He should-

She choked up a small bit of milk.

His heart jolted in his chest and his mind was pulled in different directions.

CPR-

Patting her back-

Running out the cabin to the nearest main cabin to get help-

Calling 911-

Using his healing spit-

Or his tears-

More thoughts whirled in his frantic mind as his daughter whined in short, gurgling pants. 

He placed her on his shoulder and began patting her back to help her cough some more of the milk up. His legs meanwhile pacing towards the front door. 

He gave her back a few more pats before unlocking the door and throwing it open. The chill of the night hit his pink skin and he turned around to shield the baby from the cold.

He pulled the door shut and began patting her back as he raced to the Dondai.

The damp, cold grass squished beneath his bare feet.

He stopped right beside the door-

And heard a burp he'd assumed, big enough for a newborn.

He opened the door but paused before getting in.

He placed his arm quickly back to the infant's back and began patting at it.

The loud whines continued before a few passing moments later when he heard another loud burp in his ear. 

His mind sped back to his time after putting the bottle in his pocket.

He hadn't burped her.

That could be the problem.

He stood between the opened door and the car as he continued to pat at the infant's back.

Another burp, much weaker than the two.

Was, that it?

Maybe she only needed to be burped?

The cries were still loud, but maybe her stomach was still feeling a bit sore.

He leaned the baby up in front of him and kissed her belly to heal and comfort it and realized how cold her skin was.

That's right.

It's cold out here even for him.

It must feel below freezing to her.

He slammed the door shut and raced back into the house.

He ran inside and quivered the chill of the night off of him as he placed the crying infant into the bassinet. He began buttoning the onsie. 

How could he be so stupid enough to not burp her?

How did he forget that?

He needs to stop being so distracted with his thoughts.

Then running out in the cold with the infant's chest and stomach all out?

What if she catches a cold?

Part Gem or not, she's only a newborn and only a few hours old at that. Her body is still just as frail as a human newborn.

He needs to start paying more attention to eat he's doing.

He's already making so many mistakes with her..

He wrapped her up and quickly placed her on his chest. He began rubbing her back as he walked towards the kitchen.

The cries weren't as intense now, but she was still fussy.

But she was going to be alright. 

Despite of his mistakes, he hoped he wasn't so bad as a father.

She only had him.

And, he only had her.

But, she was going to be alright. 

That was the main part.

He burped her and kissed her little tummy of anything else that could've been hurting her.

And she will get warm and toasty within the blanket soon and, she will be just alright.

He tore one single sheet of paper towel from the next one and turned the faucet on. He ran the sheet under the warm water and went to clean the milk from her lips and down her chin and her neck. 

She looked up at him as he wiped the last traces of milk from the collar of her onsie.

He threw the napkin in a small trashcan and walked aimlessly away from the sink.

Why was she still crying?

He ran down the line and only three things came to mind. Colic, which he figured he'd most likely cured through his kiss, if she was beginning to get it.

Can his healing kiss cure colic?

Two, crying simply to cry as apparently, according to the helpful website, there were some babies who simply did that.

Three. She needed to be changed.

He would go with the last option to make sure.

It'd been three hours now or a bit more than that.

Most likely she's done _something_ by now.

He made it towards the same baby bag from before. It was already opened and diapers and clothes had already been pulled out halfway in the bag or had fallen on the floor. 

He crouched down and grabbed a closed diaper from the bag and dug out more clothes and small blankets out from the side of the bag to find the wipes.

The small white case was hidden behind a few tiny bibs.

He slid the container out and made his way to the dresser. There, lay a small changing board sitting on top of it. Just a small, cushioned surface laid inside of the top changing table.

He placed her inside and unwrapped the blanket from her and pulled the blanket up and underneath of her.

He unbuttoned the onsie all the way down and took her small, kicking legs out. 

A small, very small sad side smile came to his face and a part of her tiny ankle grazed his finger.

Okay.

He had to admit in his near shattered and dejected heart of his that she was pretty tiny and cute. 

Her itty bitty legs kicking away in the air made him nearly audibly 'awe' or coo at her.

He pulled the bottom of the onsie up right along with the blanket and unfasten the first fastener snap as her cries continued. He undid the second one and pulled the diaper down.

A sigh of relief.

No number two.

.. yet..

He hadn't crossed that nightmare thus far.

He pulled out a wipe and as he remembered back on that same website he'd been looking through ever now and again, he began to clean her.

What the website had said was pretty self explanatory really.

Clean up the area well.

That was only obvious.

If you have a girl, wipe front to back.

Okay..

That part.. wasn't so obvious.

At least to him. 

It was a good thing he read up a bit.

He finished up with a third wipe as he went over the little tush once more and on the side of her thighs. He put the wipe in the dirty diaper and opened the new one up and slid it underneath her. He pulled the face of it up and fastened the two fastener tapes to the fastener zone of the diaper.

And, clean.

And, done.

He put her tiny, pale legs back into the onsie and buttoned it back up. He placed a gentle kiss on her stomach again just to be safe and rewrapped the blanket around her.

That should do it.

The cries were now soft whimpers.

He placed her back on his shoulder and grabbed the dirty diaper. He made his steps back in the kitchen, threw it away and gave his hand just a quick wash of water. 

He dried his hand on his thermals and began heading back to the recliner.

He sat down and leaned back on the protesting leather. 

And he'd noticed the baby was now silent in his arm.

He looked down.

She was still awake but quiet at the moment.

So..

What to do now exactly?

Maybe try putting her down to sleep?

But she kept looking at him.

Of course that didn't mean that he _couldn't_ put her down for a nap.

Nevertheless, he just couldn't look away. 

Not this time.

Her eyes were just glued to him. Or, burning wholes right through him. 

It was a rather peculiar, quiet odd feeling. 

It was as though she.. somehow knew everything that had happened and everything that was going on now. 

But, he had to tell his mind, reassure it that no, she _didn't_ know. 

This.. wasn't Lapis. 

She was her own person. 

But.. just the way her bored, half opened blue eyes never wavered below him.

It, just made it seem otherwise.

This isn't Lapis. 

The baby doesn't know what he'd done.

She _doesn't_ know.

Steven's eyes was the one to waver slightly.

Uncomfortably.

Maybe this was how the Gems saw him when he was a baby. 

Something like Rose. 

A slightly different Rose in a different form? 

Yes. Now he could see a bit of where they were coming from and, had his personal trip inside of White Diamond's headship hadn't lead to him being.. 

He shut that image away from his mind. 

Had, .. _that_ not happened, perhaps he too would've wondered the sane if she was Lapis or not. Along with if he himself was really just Rose Quartz/ Pink Diamond. 

But, with that happening, he and everyone now know that that is not the case with a Gem human hybrid. 

Now he _personally_ knew that that wasn't the case for her. 

His daughter wasn't her.

Still, those eyes. 

How she looked at him. As though she really _did_ know something.. as if she knew what had transpired just hours ago.. 

Or maybe it was all in his mind due to how he was feeling himself. Guilty and grief-stricken. 

Those blue eyes looked to have a sort of look of resentment to them. Maybe even a bit of vexation or disappointment. 

He had to be over thinking this. 

To anyone else who _wasn't_ feeling shameful or guilty or blameworthy, they would've just said she looked tired.

And, she was.

He tried blinking away his negative thoughts and tried quieting them down. 

This was a look of a cranky and tired newborn. 

_Not_ the look of Lapis who was angry and disgruntled and disappointed that he got her pregnant and then walking away from her while she was dying..

Neither was this a look of a newborn that was angry towards him for impregnating her mother and having her go through those last moments alone and bringing her into this world. 

This was _just_ a tired and _innocent_ infant.

Who.. kept looking at him. 

Moments later and he couldn't take the feel of her eyes or more so his own negative, uncomfortable, remorseful feeling thoughts. 

He was finally able to force his eyes away from her to look at other items and other things within the cabin.

A lamp on the dresser, the changing board, the bare floors, the bare walls, the dresser, the bassinet beside him, the curtains drawn closed, the t.v, the bed he quickly looked pass, the rug by the door, the door, the ceiling. 

As he looked from thing to thing and item to item, he felt himself start to drift off. 

How'd he almost forget how tired he was?

At this point he should really get a bit of rest. 

He should also put her down while she got her own rest as well. 

She was fed and changed and-

Hesitantly as he didn't want to see the look of contempt on her face towards him. 

Her eyes were near closed.

-and tired. 

Fed, changed and she was slowly drifting off to sleep. 

So, he should simply put her back in the bassinet and sit back in the recliner and try to get some sleep himself.

And that's what he did.

He got up slightly and placed her gently back into the bassinet and sat back back down in the recliner.

He looked at her. 

She wasn't making a fuss. 

He slowly sat back down and leaned back in his seat. He pulled the lever on the side as quietly as he could.

The footrest came up and he pushed the top of the recliner just a bit further back.

He sighed out as he felt his body ache up and down his back and down to his legs.

Why was he so achy?

Perhaps it was merely in his mind.

He looked over to the newborn.

She was laying still within the swaddle of her blanket. Her eyes just opened a crack.

If she isn't sleeping now, she should be asleep in the next couple of minutes.

And he waited. 

He wanted to make sure she would go to bed safely before going to sleep himself.

And minutes passed as her face scrunched up every now and again, but otherwise she didn't open her eyes back up.

She should be asleep then.

He shifted to his left side to face her.

With another glance over to make sure she was well and sound asleep and unharmed and alive and breathing, he slowly closed his eyes.

In just seconds he could feel sleep taking over.

His head dipped forward and his mouth lowered slightly agape as he slept on the coarse fabric of the chair.


	4. All in a day's work

This marked the first day.

Or, to be specific, 26 hours of her mother not being with them and the first breath his daughter took. 

Exhausted wasn't the word. Neither was the word extremely fatigued or even depleted. 

Was there a word for when someone feels so incredibly tired both mentally _and_ emotionally _and_ physically?

That was what he was feeling.

The physical aches and the mental and emotional pain from tribulations and trauma with what happened accompanied by waking up every two to three hours of her crying and needing to be fed and changed was almost too much to bear. 

The whole twenty-six hours and counting had taken so much out of him. He could barely move, barely even think in a clear thought as he laid in what felt like an atmosphere filled with nothing but anguish and despair that was holding every limb of his down as he tried screaming out only for nothing to come out as guilt, baggage and grief held his throat. 

And, it'd only been _one_ day of this.

Only one day and his whole being felt like it was being crushed under so much reprehensible pressure of his actions. 

When will it stop?

His tired, blood shot eyes trailed haltingly towards the crying baby beside him.

He'd been woken up again to another cry that she was hungry.

Or wet.

Or, both..

He sat there unmoving for a few seconds and soon his eyes were trailing aimlessly back in front of him. Staring at nothing in particular as his rigid, aching, weak feeling body slouched in the chair. His pink, glowing hands gripping the ends of the armrest on the recliner.

This was at least the eleventh, perhaps the twelfth time he'd fed her? 

He lost count.

He let out one long, single, deep breath.

Exhausted. 

Lethargic.

_Defeated.._

His eyes were drooping back to a close. 

His head bobbed down to the side as he fell abruptly back to sleep. 

And to snap suddenly back awake from a much louder, more intense cry from the infant. 

He blinked slowly and looked back over to see the baby squirming in her swaddled blanket.

With a short, single breath out his mouth, he pushed his self up and let out a grunted sigh as he grabbed at his lower back. 

Time to prepare yet another bottle for her.

He dragged his feet across the floor as he forced them to move faster to the other side of the cabin. 

After the fourth or so time he'd fed her, he'd finally remembered to actually boil the rest of the bottles that were in the cabinet, including the very first bottle that he'd used. 

He grabbed one of the clean bottles from the dish holder, gave it another thorough rinsing thrice and pulled the baby food towards him. 

Two and a half scoops, a slow blink as he looked into the tiny infant bottle, placing the top back on the container and setting the scoop on top of it, another blink, slower, too close to him falling asleep and a weak, rubber-feeling pink arm reaching out for a water bottle and pouring the rest of the water from the container to the bottle. 

The infant's wails grew more behind him. 

As though the baby was right behind him and right in his ear. 

He turned sluggishly around and marched stiffly towards the bassinet as he shook up the formula in the bottle.

The infant was whining loudly within the small cradle-lke bed. Her eyes closed tight and her mouth opened as she let out more sobs.

Wordlessly and with barely opened, red eyes, he scooped her up in his arm and sat back down slowly, letting out a rather dad-esque sigh as his muscles ached throughout his _still_ glowing pink body.

Yet again, he had to use the same method of dropping a bit of milk on her tongue before she latched onto the bottle. 

And just like that, the area around him was quiet and still as before. 

Though _too_ quiet. 

And _too_ still, for his liking.. 

He shifted his head down to glance at the infant drinking from the bottle. Her eyes looking up at her father. 

A small, tired frown tugged at his lips, in spite of the tiny, mellow feeling he was still harboring in his chest whenever he saw his daughter. And whenever he saw his daughter safe and well. 

He raised her up and kissed her gently on her forehead. 

His mind was still all over the place, his skin was still glowing and he was still feeling dejected, regretful and mentally, emotionally and physically worn out.

But, in the mix and the turmoil he was in and feeling, he _still_ had that small ounce of hope and that very, very faint, light-hearted feeling in his heart.

He kept his back away from the seat to prevent himself from falling asleep as he held her bottle. 

He can't have her sucking in any air.

No colic..

He had to try and prevent that.

Or, _any_ pain from coming to her. 

He didn't want _anything_ happening to her..

  
  


More seconds ran into minutes and it was time to burp her. 

_That_ time, he remembered.

And he had a feeling he would never forget to do that ever since that scare she gave him just yesterday.

He placed the bottle behind him and sat her on his lap and leaned her forward in his _still._ pink. hand.

He tapped on her back lightly, mindful of her fragile back and her gem.

He heard a few soft burps just moments later. 

He pat her back just a bit more to make sure if she would have any more in her system.

A handful of moments later and a very, very faint burp came out.

He stopped.

Maybe he shouldn't overdo it either?

 _Was_ he overdoing it?

He could be.

Or perhaps he was _under_ doing it?

He had so much to learn..

He leaned the baby back into the crook of his arm and looked at her.

She was quiet.

And looking at him.

He had to remember again.. that she was her own person.

She didn't hold any resentment or anger towards him with that tired look.

She was only tired.

And quiet.

And, if she was quite.. then maybe he should put her back in the bassinet.

He pushed his tired legs forward in the chair and and thought-

Did he change her?

He couldn't remember. 

Or did he only get up to make her bottle?

The whole day he'd been feeding or changing her or both. Everything was already running together and he was _already _getting mixed up in his _already_ disorganized, shambolic mind. __

__  
_ _

But, she was quiet.

Maybe she didn't need changing.

But.. what if she hasn't realized it just yet and she starts crying at any moment?

What if he sets her down for a nap and she ends up waking up anyway?

He looked over at her. 

She was already falling asleep in his arm. 

He should change her just in case and be quick.

He'll be quick.

  
  


Steven was placing the infant, now fed and dry, back in the bassinet.

The baby looked up at him as she was being placed on the light blue cushioned seat.

And once again.. he couldn't look away as the guilt and misery pierced his thudding heart. 

He looked at her. A chagrined, shameful, woeful expression as he did.

This was going to be tough.

An arduous, wearying life ahead of him with his daughter that he had.

It'd only been a little over a day and it was already beginning to be tough for him. Difficult, toilsome, laborious..- 

The infant was wrinkling up her face again and her eyes squinted at him. 

And, his tightened chest was met with a very light, very faint feeling of warmheartedness and affection.

Yes, it was still hard for him and it may even be like that for awhile.

But he already had this early beginning connection, this tenderness for the infant. 

He was going to get through the long, difficult journey. 

He was going to push through it.

Again, his mind thought as he placed a kiss on her cheek, they had each other.

They only had each other. 

And that's all they needed.

He could take care of her, without anyone's help. 

No one else's.

Not the Gems, not his father, not.. Connie or the townies or anyone.

He was going to do this alone.

And, he was going to do things right.

He was going to give her the best life he could possibly give her. And most importantly, a lifestyle that wasn't like his and far from it. 

And he could do that. 

He could easily do that.

He was Steven Universe.

He could do anything.

He was here to help and she was going to get every bit of his help and nobody else's.

He scratched at the back of pink, glowing neck.

Steven's here to help.

He was always here to help.

He had nothing to worry about

And neither did his daughter.

He was fine.

She was fine.

Everything. was. fine.

 _Everything's_ fine.

He sat back down and scooted back in the recliner as his eyes watched the infant slowly drift off to sleep.

They only had each other and that was enough.

He was going to be there for her.

He was going to be there for his daughter and work his own way through recovery over his lost of her mother. 

Of his friend, of his favorite Gem, of his lover.

He was going to do this without any of their help.

Despite of wanting it..

 _Needing_ it..

His hair, doubled in size with a pink glow, laid back on the chair as he placed either rose-colored hand on the armrest of the chair.

He was going to live his life with his daughter and he was going to protect her and shelter her and help her in everyway that he could.

And he was going to mourn his lost in the process..

He blinked his red eyes and took one more glance over at the infant with her eyes now closed as she slept.

He looked back over in front of his self, not bothering to lift the footrest up as he stared off into the bleak, empty distance of the plain, dark brown wood of the cabin..

He shifted slightly as he tried to get comfortable in the recliner as the chair grew noticeably smaller under him.

He sighed out sadly, but snapped open his still, glowing diamond eyes and smiled widely. Nervously.. madly. There was just a slight twitch to an eye as the recliner shrunk under him. He grabbed hold of the edge of the armrests.

Everything's.. fine..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope some folks are liking this solemn, slow moving fic 🤔😗
> 
> Well, things should be changing just a bit slightly as we get into the story/ get to the dialogue and the small plot.


	5. Tres días

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah boy.. welp, if y'all can get through this, then I think y'all will be able to get through the fic in general.

Three days.

Steven sat back in his chair as he aimlessly looked at the screen of the old cabin television set showing a view of the animated outdoors accompanied by cartoon characters talking amongst each other as they prepared for their annual ship sailing contest. 

It was a favorite show of her mother's and of Peridot's.

Camp Pining Hearts.

Though he wasn't necessarily watching the particular episode. 

It hadn't been due to the huge differences and his dislike of the new reboot, but mainly due to the channel itself being stuck on the Spanish language.

The t.v was stuck on the channel ever since he rented out the cabin. They hadn't found out until Lapis had wanted to be entertained via watching her favorite Canadian cartoon.

Though it hadn't deterred her. She found it humorous to watch the show and interpret what they could be saying in Spanish, then watching it again with Peridot and Bismuth and seeing how much she'd gotten right. Or, how much _they'd_ gotten right since he'd been dragged into playing along. 

It was fun, it was hilarious, it was cooky and sometimes they would even interpret and put "out of character"-esque dialogues for the characters. 

The characters on screen were crouched down at the edge of a clear blue river. In front of them were their ships. 

Their scout leader was talking to them through a megaphone as she sat on top of a small, wooden, lifeguard chair just a few feet in front of them. 

Now watching the show in Spanish was anything _but_ fun and entertaining. 

Though, again, it wasn't like he _was_ watching it. 

This was only background noise for him to prevent his self from falling back to sleep. 

He'd woken up to use the bathroom and upon looking at the clock, he figured going back to sleep only to wake up even more groggy just ten, fifteen minutes later didn't seem like a good idea. 

So, he grabbed the cold, bare material of the remote and clicked on the t.v in a futile way to keep him awake for the time being. 

And it more or less kept him awake. 

Or it could've been his loud, frantic thoughts in his mind keeping him up. 

Maybe even a mixture of both.

The ships were sailing across the river on screen as the teens cheered themselves on.

His eyes went from the screen and trailed sluggishly left to the window.

With the curtains pulled back, from the recliner he could make out flurries coming down outside again.

The area had been getting snow flurries on and off for the past two weeks now.

Her mother liked it.

She loved seeing the flurries, especially during the last weeks of her pregnancy.

It was something so inviting, so calming about them. 

And the more snow the better. 

He remembered when he was travelling through North Dakota not too long ago on his trip and it was during a time when the northwestern cities were to be slammed with several feet of snow. 

He'd went to a nearby store then had went to the nearest motel room he would be staying in until even a little after the worse of the storm and he'd just hunkered down for the night. 

He made a quick call to Lapis, both wanting to check up on her _and rather reluctantly, on her pregnancy_ and giving her the details if where he was now staying at during his travel. The conversation had went to the weather when he told her he'd chosen the first motel he could find to quickly prepare himself for the snowstorm.

And hearing that.

That look of both joy and mischievousness in her eyes when she heard of the area getting a lot of snow. 

They talked for a bit that night and when he hung up he'd placed the phone on the bedside table, only to get a knock on the door. 

If he hadn't had his forty-third therapy sessions and counting, the result of him being riled up and thinking that someone was after him or having negative thoughts would've been thrown out of proportion, but he had been calm enough to not feel a hint of pink on his cheeks but still ever alert and cautious as he approached the door. 

It was the lovely, lively _alive_ and well Gem herself.

He couldn't put those feelings he truly had for her in words.

She coaxed him to come outside and even though he was a bit hesitant and wary of the situation with how far along she was in her pregnancy, she reassured and also insisted that they played at least during the snowfall for just a little while.

He gave in as he usually did with her.

And they enjoyed themselves under the night sky as they ran and flew respectively or float and flew through the flurries or danced gently in each other's arms.

As the snow picked up, the joys and the fun only grew as they threw or flung snow at each other.

Lapis, once again, using her famous hydrokinesis to accumulate the snow into her hands to make snowballs while he was still desperately trying to gather as much flurries as he could. 

That, or the blue Gem melting what little he _did_ have in his hand into ineffective water.

He heard a sound of very faint, low cough and it took him moments to realize that the sound had came from him from his dry, humorless, single chuckle.

If she was here, she would probably run outside and attract the snow around her body and come running in resembling a Pillsbury dough mascot.

Another very dry, sad chuckle.

He wanted that to happen.. and he _hoped_ so bad that it would happen at any single moment as his eyes focused on the wooden door. 

He stared.

Though, nobody came through the door.

 _She_ didn't come through the door.

And he stared, despite of knowing the painful truth.

Knowing that she will never come through that door ever again.

No.. painful wasn't the word..

Guilt.. but even more than guilt as well..

His eyes lingered on the doorknob, still waiting for it to turn so the volant Gem could come flying in in snorts and giggles or with a cordial, airy smile to her complacent face as she glides in for another lazy evening together with him. 

His eyes never left the doorknob and his mind never left his valueless fantasy.

He wanted that back so much..

But, also wanted his daughter in the picture as well.

If only he could have them both here with him..

Everything would truly, be fine.

Everything..

The young man laid in the recliner.

His eyes lingered on and so did his thoughts..

Seconds turned into minutes as the clock ticked steadily on the wooden, barren cold walls of the cabin.

He stayed still. Frigid. Like dead weight. 

In the mix of Lapis chuckling in his thoughts and the show on low volume, he heard a couple of short hiccups in the bassinet beside him.

Right on time..

With a very tired, low, near grumbling exasperated sigh, he forced his self up to his feet and immediately noticed the floor far below his still pink, glowing feet. Only a quick glance up showed how close he was to hitting the ceiling. 

It appeared as though he still hadn't shrunk down to his normal size since a couple of days ago still..

And again, he ignored the doubled height difference and the pink hue.

The hiccups grew with shorter intervals before a low, throaty weak cry came out.

He grabbed the edge of the bassinet and gave it a few lazy, haphazard, sluggish shakes and let go. The bassinet rocked gently from side to side as he walked away with the baby not any more calmed than before. The rocking doing nothing to soothe her. 

He walked towards the kitchen as he felt every muscle contract and every bone crack in his body. Every joint ached with every step. 

He passed by the dresser and glanced over at the mirror to see a slightly older young man. A mixture of how he looked upon coming back from Homeworld after.. the White Diamond incident.. though a bit older.

At least that's how his body felt. 

One short breath he made as he attempted to keep those feelings of his body breaking down on him out of his mind. 

With the pink glow of his power, surely that would be all he needed to grow old and wither away like he nearly did those few years ago..

Disregard those thoughts..

The image of his self in the mirror receded from view as he walked away from the dresser.

A clean bottle was placed on the counter before the can was slide towards him. 

He peeled open the top and picked up the small scoop.

The bassinet had long since stopped rocking from his poor attempt just a near minute earlier. 

The cries only grew.

And, wouldn't he know it, his phone began to ring in his pocket as well.

Who was this now?

At that very moment, getting a call as he prepared food for a crying infant was one of the last things he needed.

He almost hadn't answered it. _Almost __._

The person may leave a voicemail or, maybe the call wasn't that important.

Still, with everything going on and with how downtrodden he was feeling, he scooped a tiny scoop of the powder from the container as he fished his phone out of his pocket with his other hand.

He dumped the contents into the bottle. "Yeah? Huh?" he hadn't necessarily meant to sound so aggravated and so pestered while he stood their distracted with the bottle and the crying infant just a few yards behind him on the other side of the small cabin.

"Steven!"

His culpable heart skipped a beat in his chest. "Huh...-Peridot!?"

There was a high-pitched scream from the baby as she began to cry louder. 

"Steven! Hey, did you-?" she stopped as she heard the wails from the infant. "Is.. that a.." 

"Uh, I'm outside!" he blurted out. He scooped up a second small scoop of powder.

There was just a few seconds of silence from Peridot before he heard an, "Anyway." 

He dumped the contents into the bottle and went for a third scoop for a total of two and half scoops to be put in the bottle-

"Have you seen Lapis?"

He froze. 

The small measuring scoop hovering over the mouth of the bottle.

Dread and guilt crept up to his throat. "Uh..n, no.."

Peridot was silent on the other end.

"W, Why?" he tried to keep any ounce of edge away from his voice. 

The silence dragged on on the other end before he heard a small hitch, a small gasped sound. 

"I.." the same gasped sound, the same hiccup but louder. "Steven, I haven't seen Lapis in months." her voice was a whisper and he could hear every bit of fear and worry within it. "I don't know what happened. I mean, Lapis is suppose to be.." she stopped herself. 

He heard a very light, very, very faint sob on the other end. "I don't know if I did something wrong. Maybe I made another joke that went too far? Maybe I shouldn't had belittled or insulted the reboot of Camp Pining Hearts? Maybe I.." she sighed. "I don't know, but I'm worried about her."

He was torn between listening to her and the baby screaming out behind him. 

He turned his attention just slightly to Peridot. "Y.. yeah.." he mumbled. A dejected frown came to his face as his lungs squeezed under every breath he took. 

It was nothing that she did. 

It was something that _he_ did..

Suddenly the bottle in front of him was looking even smaller and the counter looking a bit lower than before. 

He was looking down at a slightly enlarged pink hand barely pinching hold of the handle of the scoop. 

"Steven, I don't know what to do. I've.. I've even went to Garnet and she can't seem to pick up on things." there was a hint of chagrine in her voice. "Stupid, cloddy future vision isn't so good when you don't know what the heck is going on yourself!" she cut herself off with a tired, choked sigh. "She doesn't have a lead so there's nothing to go off of. There's.. just so many random possibilities." a beat. "And some of them.. are a bit..unnerving." 

He swallowed.

"I was hoping you would've said that you've seen her."

Oh yes. 

He _has_ in fact, seen her. 

Just three days ago before she _died._

Too bad her best friend doesn't know that the wailing, very unhappy infant is the one with her Gem now. 

No.. which is the _baby's_ Gem now. He corrected.

More guilt felt like it was wrapping around his heart. "N, nope." he looked behind his self at the bassinet. His throat began to tighten. "I.." he tried to swallow. "..haven't.." 

He heard a sound of a door opening or perhaps of the hood of her tractor. 

"Hey lil Green." Bismuth's voice was heard from afar. "What did Steven say?" 

Peridot's voice sounded a bit farther away from the device as she said solemnly, "He said he hasn't seen her either." 

"Wow," her voice sounded unenthused. "Not even him? Huh.." there was a sound of her putting something metal down on the floor or perhaps a table or the wall. "Now Lapis is known to have her little tantrums and fly off somewhere, even for weeks, but never _this_ long." there was a slight pause. "Mm, I must admit. She even has _me_ worrying now."

"I know.." Peridot sounded every bit desolate and crestfallen. "Me too.." 

Steven's enlarged, pink hand laid frozen over the bottle.

"I knew I should've said something more when she was acting weird that day.." Peridot admitted.

'Weird'?

What had she meant by that?

How Peridot said it, it didn't sound good.. 

"Why didn't I just.. _say_ something more. Anything.. maybe I could've, asked more questions-"

There was a hefty chuckle in the background. "Ah, Green. You know prying any more into Lapis' ruminations would've just had her clam up more and fly off quicker." 

"But.. maybe I could've tried a different approach."

"Ehh, knowing her, I doubt whatever you could've said would've made much of a difference." her tone was airy and frank. "I mean, Lapis has been getting better, sure, but it doesn't change the fact that that's more or less the kind of Gem she is."

He could only imagine the hurt and regretful look on Peridot's face. 

"But.. if it's something that I did, then I could've tried to make it better."

"Mm, maybe." there was the sound of metal scraping across the floor for one split second as she moved the metal piece. "When she comes back, maybe she'll actually feel like talking to us then."

"Bismuth I.." she paused. "I.. what if.. I., I'm not sure if.. I mean, what if she doesn't come ba-"

"Whatdoyoumeanby'weird'!" Steven blurred out. 

The thump of his heart and the baby's loud wails filled his ears, nearly drowning Peridot out. 

"It's.. a bit difficu-, er _complex_ to say the least on how she was acting. But, she seemed.. happier? Or." she hummed out a tired sigh. "She just seemed _different._ Like something was on her mind." there was another pause. "She told Bismuth and I that she would be out for awhile, but I didn't think _four_. _months."_ she emphasized in a frantic whisper.

He heard metal being hammered in the distance. "Hey, did you tell him about that, thing in the sky that Lapis does?" 

"I was getting to that." her voice sounded farther away from the phone before she explain, "Lapis told us that we didn't have anything to worry about and that she would reassure us that she was okay by doing this, hydrokinetic Gem power of hers to whisk the clouds into the Camp Pining Hearts flag. She did that every. single. day. Same. time. and everything.." her voice then trailed off before coming back weaker and more strained. "Until three days ago.." 

His throat felt like it'd closed up.

"Steven.. I can't help but think that something happened to her. That something is wrong."

Tears had formed along the base of his lashes.

"Maybe something _did_ happen.."

"Or maybe she's just playing around with us." said Bismuth. "While I can say that she has me worrying, at the same time, I also feel that she's messing with us because of something that you did." then she added. "Definitely nothing that _I_ did. Impossible." 

A tear slid down his glowing cheek. "Peridot.." his mouth was dry. "I'm so sorry.."

Silence, apart from the sound of metal being hit in the background.

Then a, "..Why?"

"I.." he stopped his self. Only guilt, sorrow and shame scratched and ripped through his heart and he wanted so desperately to scratch at his chest. "I, I mean.. I'm sorry that.. that I hadn't seen her." more guilt was building up in his chest. 

"O..oh..."

"B..but" he bit at his lip as more tears fell from his face. "I'll.. keep an eye out for her."

Instantly he felt disgusting. 

Revolting, offensive, detestable. 

How disgustingly he spewed out that lie.

Her mother was gone.

 _Gone_

_Deaad._

And _never_ coming back.

The crying, wailing infant was now in his life and from the aftermath _of_ what had happened to Lapis.

Lapis..

The name was now something he cherished in his memories..

A beautiful name he would say only in passing rather than directed to a Gem who's existence is now..

"..even. Please, if you see her, tell her.."

He rubbed his watery eyes as more tears slid down his face. 

".. that Bismuth and I-"

He heard the sound of barking close by. 

"and Pumpkin and her sisters are really worried about her."

"S, sure Peridot." he whispered. He tried to keep his voice as leveled as he possibly could. "I'll.. tell her if I see her." warm tears slid down to his chin and dripped from his glowing skin.

"Thanks Steven."

"O, of course." 

"Well, I.. guess I'll let you get to what you're doing outside." her voice was even more tired and defeated than before. "I don't.. want to ruin your road trip of discovery.."

"..Uh.. uh y, yeah.." he couldn't formulate his words into anything remotely coherent.

There was silence on the other end say for Pumpkin and her sisters barking. Then, the phone beeped on his end and he looked at the end call blinking on his screen. The phone itself laying tiny in the palm of his hand.

What.. had he'd done..

He told her.. such a huge, _huuuge_ lie..

And the feeling then was.. indescribable..

He felt worse, much worse than horrible..

Much.. _worse_.. than even a monster..

He felt just a point of his hair stick out just at the nape of his neck right as the back of his hair touched and pressed against the ceiling. 

He clenched his eyes shut as tears fell from his lashes.

The scoop having fallen on the counter and the phone, on the floor. 

He tried to suppress the feeling.

Yet he could feel his self getting taller..

The surface squeaked as his hair pushed up on the boards of the ceiling. 

And the wails from the infant grew louder. 

He snapped his attention to the bassinet-

Then snapped his head back around and took a very sharp, vexed breath through his crinkled nose. 

He looked at the tiny bottle laying on the small counter. 

She's gone! And he _lied_ to Peridot. He _LIED_ to her and the baby knows and she's _crying_ because she's mad at him! She _knows_ how horrible he is!

The board cracked under the pressure as his body defied the laws of a human body.

He grumbled to his self.. 

Words of self-loathe, words of pity, words of insults as he berated and chided his own self.

If only _she_ was here.. 

If only he _didn't_ do that. 

If only, he was wasn't so _dumb_ , so _stupid_ , so _inconsiderate,_ _insensitive_..

_Self-centered_

And now he had to deal with her death..

The infant's wails sounded close to his ears.. nearly piercing through his canals.

He took deep, shaky breaths.

And now, he had to deal with a crying.. _cryyyying_ , screaming baby..

Who never. stops. crying.

He breathed in deeply in his nose and out harshly through through his nostrils. 

He snapped his eyes open. 

_Come on!_

_Just.. hurry up and feed her so she could give you a small peace of mind and so she can just. go. to sleep._

__

__

He looked at his huge hand and the small sized bag with the water bottles inside. 

He ripped open the whole bag and several water bottles flew out. 

He grabbed a water bottle, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger. The two covering up the whole water bottle. 

He let out an exasperated sigh as he shapeshifted both hands smaller.

He untwisted the cap on the bottle as he felt his hands start to swell up quickly. 

He forced his hands back to a more reasonable size as he poured the water inside of the bottle.

He nearly threw the plastic water bottle back on the counter as the bones under his skin began to jut up as his hands began to grow. 

He tried forcing them back to a smaller size as he grabbed the nipple with the ring collar and then thw bottle in the other. 

Another scream echoed loudly right into his ears and his hands instantly ballooned to size. 

The strength of his hand and the tension of his nerves squeezing the bottle, shattering it. The bottle bursting in his hand as milk seeped down his wrist and dripped onto the counter and onto the floor. 

His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped for a split second before his eyes narrowed and his mouth twisted in a snarl at his own pink hand. 

He let out a growling sigh. 

Without inhaling, he blew out an irritated, angered breath through his flared nostrils and he shapeshifted both hands once more.

He snatched another bottle from the dish holder and popped open the can of powdered milk.

He grabbed the scoop and quickly began scooping the contents in it and snatched up the half filled water bottle from before and poured the liquid into the bottle. 

Still forcing his hands smaller, he quickly twisted the two components to the bottle and was already making his run to the other side of the small cabin as he made divuts with every step.

He could care less about damaging the floor or anything else in that moment.

He scooped up the red faced, wailing infant in his hand. The baby swaddled in her blanket fitting in the middle of his palm. 

The bottle had also found its place in the palm of his other and he had to force just that one hand smaller to grip the bottle. 

He placed the bottle in her mouth, though she didn't latch on. 

She continued to cry. 

He turned the bottle just slightly another way, then to another. 

Her wailing seemed to grow louder. 

And he knew why. 

It was because she knows. 

She _knows_ that he's horrible and she knows how much of a monster he is. _Everyone_ knows it. They all do. Of course they do. They had to-

She was still crying, despite of the bottle in her mouth.

They know what kind of person he is.

She still didn't latch on.

And.. just..

She continued to cry.

_Please.. why can't she just.._

She kept crying.

Why did he do this..

He was panting now. Pacing back and forth and making more craters into the floor. 

Why did he have to be so-

The bottle burst within his clenched hand. 

Milk lightly dampened the blanket and got on her face and neck as pieces of the bottle laid on the blanket and dropped onto the floor. 

He grit his teeth together. 

Then.. then _this_ happens. _Again._

The infant wailed loudly with only the nipple of the bottle laying half out of her mouth. 

Great.

He messed up.

Just like lately, just like months ago, just like..

..for _so_ long..

Was this all that he was good for?

Constantly messing up?

The baby never stopped. The wails never ceased and it only increased as it pierced into and through his head.

He let out a sigh that was more than an aggravated growl at this point.

He fell to his knees and the floorboards concaved under him.

Why..

 _Why_ did he..

Why didn't he just.. say no.. 

Or.. why couldn't Lapis be here with them as well..

Why did he let his feelings get the best of him.. 

Why.. didn't he just.. 

He looked over from the crying infant and.. caught his self in the mirror of the dresser. 

Nearly three times his size.. glowing pink.. with his mother's hair.. and, ..diamond eyes..

And the look itself took his breath away in a sharp gasp.

Look at him.

Look.. at what he became..

The glowing young man in the glass had a look of shock, a look of disgust, a look of.. shame.. 

..Guilt..

Sorrow..

He was.. doing it again.. 

Going overboard..

Panicking.. 

Having another outburst that could've.. that, could've resulted in..

He could feel the phantom pain of the beast jutting and bursting up from his back. 

He was..

This was it..

He was letting his mind take over again..

He was.. becoming worse.. 

Worse than his mom.. then the Diamonds even..

His anger..

His stress..

_Again_

He still needs so much work..

.. why was he still like this..

Another hiccupped wail of a cry cut through his thoughts and he looked down at the baby. 

And his eyes grew wide once more as he berated his self for.. acting like this. For.. letting her see him get this way.. for getting so mad.. for getting mad at his _own_ self because he lied and felt guilty.. then essentially taking out that self-loathe and taking that out on.. his newborn daughter? 

Essentially asking why he made that mistake? 

Why.. she had to be here?

His head was shaking slowly as he thought about his.. negative thoughts. 

He should never think about that. 

Never have those thoughts of regrets. Ever. 

He gently slid the nipple of the bottle away from her mouth and the top fell his lap then to the ground. 

She's just an innocent little baby and he could've hurt her in his own bare hands. Or any of his powers. Anything. Anything could've happened. 

He looked at the lightly damp blanket and her face covered in milk. 

A grimacing chill ran down his spine. 

What if the pieces of the shattered bottle had got in her eyes? Or cut her face? What if.. she had swallowed some? 

He needed to stop this. 

He needed to get better with this.

He _needed_ to better his life. 

And soon before it's too late..

He had no more excuses. 

He shouln't had had any excuses in the _first_ place. 

He can't ever let his daughter see him like this. _Ever_. again..

He took a few deep, calming breaths. 

He got up, still glowing and still just as tall.. though no diamond eyes and his hair looked a bit more like his own.

He but shrunk slightly as he made it towards the kitchen with the crying infant. 

He shapeshifted one hand smaller and picked up another bottle and began the process of making a bottle for the _third_ time. 

Then he shrunk his fingers down on his other hand to set the bottle between his fingers to hold the bottle in place as he twisted the nipple and the collar onto the bottle. 

All while the wailing infant laid in the middle of his wide, glowing hand. 

He shook the bottle up and placed it on her tongue. 

With a slightly clearer mind, he shook the bottle gently for the milk to come out. 

Something he'd forgotten to do during his.. outbu-.. during his.. _moment._.

Forgetting to actually place the milk on her tongue..

His mind racing and having forgotten such a crucial step to get his daughter to actually drink the milk.

Which.. she was doing now..

Taking a swallow of milk, to two, then her finally latching onto the bottle and drinking from it. 

And now she was content. 

And quiet, _unlike his thoughts.._

He looked down at the infant drinking the milk. 

She was _just_ an innocent newborn.

He felt so bad for the rage..

So bad for the.. for the outburst and how that happened so _easily_ at that.

That was bad. Horrible. Terrible..

_Wrong_

.

And the guilt practically ate at him. And the shame he felt was near unbearable. 

The tears were coming back as it stung his eyes. 

He sighed lightly, tiredly.. 

"I'm so sorry.." he whispered. A tear slid down his cheek. 

The guilt crept in more as realization came over him. 

His first words to her. 

Such sad, sweet irony..

Parting words to her mother and "welcoming"words to their daughter.

And those words were true.

For the _both_ of them. 

His eyes never left his daughter as held the bottle.

He was so deeply sorry.

But, he wouldn't do it again. 

Never.

In his heart he promised his self and to _her_ and to their daughter that he wouldn't. 

Ever again. 

He would be there to protect her, to console her, to make her happy. And, to make her life worth living. 

It would be nothing like his. 

Again, he would heal from _that_ fateful day when she left.

Just like he was still healing from other past traumas from years ago.

And.. he will get better. For her and for himself. 

But, mainly for her.

He began walking over towards the recliner and away from the mess in the kitchen and the mess and the damages of the floor in the rest of the cabin.

He would clean everything up later.

But right now, he had to focus on his daughter.

Stiffly, he sat down on the recliner that was still a bit to small for him. 

He ignored it. And focused on his daughter. 

He watched her head in the crook of his arm as he tilted the bottle farther up with his other hand. 

He was going to be a good father. 

He was going to try. And with trial and error he would do it. He would get better and he was going to be the best he could be for her. 

They _only_ had each other.

And that was all she needed.

He was going to take care of her alone for the rest of his life.

She only had him..

He leaned over and gave her a long, tearful kiss on the cheek and leaned back in the chair. 

He was going to get better.

Everything.. he had to admit, wasn't.. actually _all_ fine at the moment. But, it would be. 

Everything will be fine.

He was going to do everything that he could do to make sure of that. 

He looked at the bottle as she slowly drunk from it and he looked from the milk to his daughter. 

"Daddy will do better from now on." he whispered. "He promise." 

He tilted the bottle slightly to the side to kiss her on the nose before tilting the bottle back. 

"You're who I live for from now on." he said. "Only you." 

"And, that's okay." he told her, though more so for his self. 

"Just you." another tear slid down his face and he wiped his cheek with his shoulder. "You're all I have now." 

He missed her mother. 

That, he did and he always will. But, he couldn't deny the connection he had when he first held his daughter for the first time just three days ago and the fondness and the connection that he feels for her now as he feeds her. 

He just wants her to be happy and to have a good life.

To not have a life like him and suffer the way he did and still is.

It was time for him to step up and he was. He had. This was that day. At this very moment. 

He was going to try every single thing he could do to give her that life he wish he had.

Better even. 

He was going to do that for her. Try his best to do that.

The milk was dwindling down to the top of the bottle and he watched as she drunk the rest of it before gently taking the bottle out of her mouth.

He placed the bottle down beside him and sat her on his lap as he learned her forward on his hand. With her body leaning forward he shapeshifted his other hand to a smaller size and gave her back a light pat.

Moments later and he heard a light burp from her.

He kept his light pats to see if she would have anymore. 

Just a couple minutes of gently patting on her back, she'd only burped once more.

He placed her back in the crook of his arm and got up and made his way to the kitchen. He ripped a sheet of paper towel and dampened it with some warm water. 

He began cleaning her face and neck off of the milk from earlier and she looked up at him as she did.

He threw the napkin away and walked back to the baby bag with items still thrown about the floor around it. 

He grabbed any blanket from the bag and walked back over to the recliner and sat back down.

He placed her on her lap and unwrapped the slightly wet blanket and placed it on the side of the bassinet and right as he placed her on the new blanket to wrap her up in, he wondered if he should also change her. 

He got back up once again to do so and had came back a few minutes later to sit back down in the chair. 

He placed the blanket on his lap and placed her on top of it and began wrapping the blanket around her snuggly. 

And all, while she was still quiet.

He placed her in his arm and leaned back in the recliner.

He let out a sigh. Not quite of relief but, as he felt his self more in the present now.

This was going to be his new life now, taking care of his daughter as she steadily grew up.

He took a deep breath in and a deep breath out.

Silence.

..For only a few moments before he both heard and felt his stomach grumbling.

Oh.. that's right. 

Now that he thought about it and realized, he hadn't eaten for the past three days now.

Though contrary to the rumbling sounds of his stomach. He wasn't _all_ that hungry.

Empty, but not entirely in a hunger kind of way.

Still, he ignored the slight hunger he _was_ feeling and took one reassuring and validating glance at his daughter to assure his self of her well being before he closed his eyes. 

Besides, he could wait.

He had to focus on his daughter first.

And, as long as she herself was fed and safe and in his arms, that was all that mattered to him. 

She was all that will ever matter to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialed it up to eleven to dial it back to about three or two.
> 
> Let the healing begin with Steven as he takes care of his daughter.. 
> 
> ~o~


	6. 168 hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoohoo! Three chapters in a row! o3o

One week had officially went pass.

The clock clicked over to 4:43p.m

One week and _one_ minute.

Steven trailed his eyes back up to staring at the ceiling blankly once again. 

That.. _very_ first day and many days after that blended in together. Everything was as he continued to sleep every two to three hours to feed, change or rock her to sleep. Or, sometimes even all three..

There had to be another word for 'extremely exhausted'. And if there was, then there had to be another word that was more intense than that. 

He was near out of it at this point. 

And, it'd only been one week.

 _One._ week.

How do parents do this-?

He felt squirming in his arm and his heart jolted in anticipation. 

He reluctantly looked down at the baby scrunching up her face. 

The very infamous faint sounds of on onset of a cry coming from her.

"Please.. not now.." his husky voice sounded tired. Near defeated. 

He was overly exhausted..

The hiccupped sounds only grew as it turned into a small cry from her. 

She wasn't having it. 

Who cares about his sleep.

Seriously.. how did parents do this?

No. 

How did _single_ parents do this?

Now actually being in their shoes, he honestly found a newfound admiration and appreciation towards his dad and towards every single parent that was currently taking care of a child, especially a baby, on their own. 

They needed more recognition. Surely they did. 

Because this life, was a tough one. 

The baby squirmed more in his arms as she'd been getting a bit more squirmy since the past couple of days. 

And, the crying only continued on. 

Steven sighed lightly through his mouth. 

"Okay.. you win." 

She'll always win.. 

He got up with, what he figured, was an epitome of a dad grunt, as he pushed his self off of the recliner. 

He tried picking up his legs as he made his way to the kitchen part of the cabin. 

He grabbed a bottle from the dish holder and placed it on the counter. 

And there, he began to prepare the bottle for her. 

He gave her a kiss on the forehead and picked the bottle up. He shifted it to the fingers of his other hand and began twisting the nipple then the collar over it. 

He shook the bottle. 

"Here you go." he said tiredly. 

This time she latched into the bottle immediately. Something she'd done for the past three days now. 

It'd gotten a bit easier to feed her- 

His own stomach growled. 

And, not so much easier to feed is own self.

Something he'd tend to ignore when focusing on his daughter and her well being first. 

He looked over at the fridge. 

But, since he was already in the kitchen anyway..

He walked over towards it. He shifted the bottle to the hand of the arm that was carrying the infant and opened the off white door with the other. 

The interior was near bare; A half filled quarter gallon of milk that was most likely going bad, three yogurt cups, several red apples that were already browing, a half block of vegan cheese that was also most likely going bad and a bottle of orange juice in between two water bottles. 

And.. he wasn't so sure about the yogurt cups either. If he could remember, eating one of the cups _had_ sent him to the bathroom for hours that one day..

Why was he living like this? 

Why did he let the fridge get this bad?

He _had_ money. His dad was rich. 

Why was he living like he wasn't?

He closed the door and shifted the bottle back to his other hand.

He should really go out.

He couldn't eat any of this stuff. 

.. Lest he wanted to drink Ginger Ale or Pepto Bismal and live in the bathroom right after..

He needed some fresh air anyway. 

He literally been in the cabin for nearly a whole week ever since he came back from the car since his daughter gave him that huge scare that night. 

Yeah..

He should go. 

Just, go to the store and buy some food. 

He looked down at the baby still drinking from her bottle. 

After.. she finishes her milk. 

He stifled a yawn out of his dry, unbrushed, tired mouth.

And.. _after_ he splashes some water on his face to wake his self up and, after he brushes and floss his teeth before leaving out and talking to people.

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven was putting on a winter cap on top of another hat he'd put on her. 

The infant was heavily bundled in a winter onsie and over top of it, an all in one thick, winter snowsuit with mittens clipped to the sleeves and very thick winter socks. 

It wasn't too cold today, but he didn't want to take that chance. 

He couldn't take that chance of his daughter feeling even just the slightest bit of cold on her delicate skin. 

And as the temperatures continued to drop in Montana, he would have to put more layers over her as the days and weeks carried on. 

He held the baby up in front of him and seeing just a tiny view of her squished face in such a poofy attire made him crack a little smile. "You look warm and toasty in your little getup." he nodded. "Now you're ready to go outside." he placed her on his shoulder. "But of course, only for a few seconds." he told her. "I still can't take that chance." he grabbed a thick, heavy blanket from the bassinet and began putting it around her.

He walked over to the door and slid his shoes on. 

He summoned a shield over his arm and the pink buckler covered her whole body as he held her. 

He opened the door to get a slight winter-esque chill as the wind pushed towards him. The chill hitting the surface of the shield and protecting the infant of the cold wind. 

He locked the door and began his walk to the car as the cold, hard grass crunched beneath his feet. 

It'd drizzled last night and the cold air had lightly tinted the blade of grass in a thin cover of ice. 

He opened the back door of the Dondai. 

The car seat laid neatly in the seat facing the back windshield. 

Just minutes earlier he had to install this while the baby laid in the warm bassinet. 

..In which he had to look a video up on TubeTube to properly install the actual thing.. 

He unsummoned his shield and unwrapped the blanket off of her and placed the baby in the car seat gently. He tucked her head between the cushioned headrest flaps at the top that curved on either side of her head. 

She squirmed stiffly within the too poofy snowsuit as she made those, _he had to admit_ , those cute little newborn cooes and gurgles she was making as she scrunched up her face. 

With another smile on his, he put her tiny arms through the two seatbelt-like harnesses on either side of her and clipped the two together with the thin, vertical chest clip before bringing another belt from below her and clicking the two tongues and the harness buckle into it. 

He then grabbed a small rectangular piece of fabric that was sticking out from below the cushion of the car seat below her and he pulled on it gently. The whole harness tightened over her. He grabbed one of the harness straps and tried to pinch the fabric together. He couldn't, which was good. The harness wasn't too loose. 

He pulled the chest clip farther up and leaned back to see the good work he'd accomplished. 

_Thanks to another video that he'd watched on how to properly secure a newborn in a car seat.._

He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "And now you're ready to ride in the car for the first time." the small smile was still on his face. He grabbed the blanket and placed it over top of her and tucked the fabric around her. "There, _now_ you're ready."

He crawled out the car backwards on his knees as he watched her, making sure that nothing bad was happening. Her beginning to cry, her getting cold, her hitting her own eye by mistake, a buckle somehow coming loose, her car seat-

"Owch!" he grabbed the back of his head. 

He bent down and got out the car. This time, _not_ hitting his head at the top of the car. 

Still rubbing the back of his head, he peered inside one last time to see the infant facing forward and looking at nothing in particular. 

Okay. She was safe and sound. 

He closed the door and opened his own and got in. 

He put the keys in the ignition. 

With the car in neutral, he pressed his foot down the clutch pedal and turned key. 

The old car rumbled to life. 

He looked back to look at the small compact mirror he'd put in front of the car seat to properly see the newborn. 

From the mirror, he could see the baby looking off to the side quietly. 

And, most importantly, safe. and sound. 

He shifted the stick into first gear and the car rolled forward. He released the clutch pedal while placing his foot on the gas. 

He took another quick look back at the mirror at the infant before shifting into second gear to prevent the car from stalling and turning off. 


	7. At the store

Steven was parking the Dondai.

With one foot pressing down on the clutch pedal and the other easing off of the gas, he shifted the gear into neutral and stepped off the clutch and applied the break with his other foot. 

He looked back for the umpteenth time during the car ride to check on the newborn.

She was still sound asleep.

The car ride having put her to bed just a few minutes into the ride.

He put the parking brake on.

In front of them was a homely little market that the small town only had. 

One would think that with just one little supermarket in a small town such as the one he was in would be heavily crowded. 

On the contraire, it wasn't.

Which he didn't mind.

If anything, he preferred to not be around too many people at this still sensitive moment at this time.

He got out and stuffed the keys in his pocket and closed the door behind him.

The cool air hit his face once again as he opened the back door of the car.

He grabbed hold of the chest carrier that he'd also grabbed before leaving out the cabin. The carrier was laying right by the car seat.

It was light blue with seashells and goldfish stitched into the fabric.

It was something that Lapis had picked out all the way back when she was only four months pregnant with their daughter. 

At that time he was, if he could remember, either in Tennessee or Alabama and slowly heading back up north.

He sat down in the seat and slipped the carrier on and remembered what yet, _another_ video had showed him on how to properly put on that particular carrier he had.

Double, then triple checking to make sure everything was held in securely over his shoulders and torso, he leaned over and peeled the blanket away from her and began unfastening the harness on the car seat.

Then, easily and being extra mindful of her head, he scooped up the infant and slipped her carefully inside of the carrier.

He gently pressed her head down towards his chest for her to properly lay on it.

He grabbed the blanket and tucked it behind her and the carrier and placed a small piece just over her head to cover her face. 

With everything set up and to his liking, he slid sideways across the seat and opened the door just as an older woman with a long purple dress was walking by. 

She stopped right as he was pulling the door back in to not hit her. 

She looked over at him. Her light lilac hair covering her eyes as she looked at him through the window.

"S, sorry, ma'am." he said shyly. "I.. didn't see you coming."

"No, no." she waved a white gloved hand. "That's quite alright." she took a swift step over and the bottom of her dress seemed to flow in a slowed, flawless motion. "It was my fault. I should've walked to the other side of the car instead." 

"Uh.." he looked at her. "I mean, you couldn't had.. known."

She looked at the boy who's face looked unsure and uncertain. Perhaps even a bit apprehensive. 

She smiled at him and the laugh lines that adorned her lips creased in more as she showed her pearly whites. "Wouldn't be the first time I walked a different path." she said. 

The look was now definitely apprehensive on his face as his eyes never left hers. Or rather, the bangs that covered them. 

She chuckled. "Oh, don't mind me. It can be quite fun walking a different path." she took a step forwards and behind his door. "Even if it wields a different result." she turned her head to look at him once more. "Again, sorry for inconveniencing you." 

"Uh,..you didn't." he shook his head. "I should.. just pay a bit more attention when opening the door." 

"That too." she agreed. "You don't want to end up hitting any more old ladies with it." she.. maybe joked? Her monotone voice made it hard to tell. 

Before he thought about possibly asking if she was okay, she was already walking swiftly to the spring doors of the market. 

That was.. something. 

Guess this city had their fair share of.. _interesting_ characters as well. 

He waited a few moments before getting out of the car. Not that he, necessarily felt a certain way towards her but.. he just felt that it was best to do so. Especially with his daughter now with him. He had to worry and focus heavily on her safety too. 

Perhaps it was four, maybe five minutes later before he finally opened the car door. With another bout of hesitation on his part as he tried looking through both the glass of the first _and_ the second double sliding doors and not seeing the elderly woman, he closed the door. 

He placed a gentle hand over her head and blanket as he power walked through the cool air and to the sliding doors.

He slowed his pace down as he stepped into the vestibule.

Okay. He won't be in this place for long. He only needed a few things; a case of water, some more apples, hemp milk, vegan yogurt, Enfa-lac for his daughter, vegan cheese and.. 

He slowed his pace down as he made his way over to the line of carts near the doorway.

Wasn't it something else he wanted to buy?

Maybe he should've made a written list.. Or at the very least texted the grocery list into his memo..

He grabbed the cart and pulled it out from within the other and made his way to the second double sliding doors of the store. 

The mixed smell of vegetables and fruit along with the indistinguishable chatter hit him lightly as he stepped into the shiny panel flooring of the market.

He pushed the cart across as he looked on either side of him. There was a small sandwich shop at the start of the sliding doors on one side and the other a bakery. At the end of the bakery counter was the start of the display cases. Within them various donuts, muffins, danishes and cupcakes. 

In front of him and at the opened area of the market were packaged baked goods; cakes, cupcakes, danishes, cookies, muffins, brownies and various other late night craving pastries and guilty pleasures. 

He walked pass them and towards the fruits and vegetables that laid just behind the desserts. 

On the right of him were the fresh vegetables laying on their produce shelves as they were lightly spritz with mist. 

On the left of him were the various stands of fruit. 

He pulled the cart over to the side by the four different sections of apples. He gently squeezed a few of them and looked at the exterior before choosing a few apples and placing them in the body of the cart. Just a few feet beside him were oranges and grapefruit and in a small section adjacent of the display section were the berries. 

He left the cart to walk a few feet over. He grabbed a few oranges after going over a few of them before taking a few extra steps to the side and looking at the berries.

One side of the display specifically saying _organic._

That got his attention.

He took an extra step over and took a looksee. 

He held up a few cartons as he looked at the strawberries, the blueberries and the raspberry and blackberries. 

He grabbed one of each that weren't dull in color or dusted with the onset growing of mold.

He walked back over and placed them in the cart and pulled it back from the table of apples and began a very short journey to the middle of the produce aisle where the fresh vegetables lay.

He looked amongst the fresh spinach, the lettuce, the fresh snow and snap peas, the carrots, the celery sticks and other healthy items. 

A small frown did come to his face as he looked at the vegetables.

Her mother and Peridot used to farm. And, Peridot has been farming _and_ gardening lately for the past couple of years.

Now he guessed it was just Peridot that did most of the farming and gardening now.

Well, apart from other Gems and humans that also took a liking to her greenhouse. At least Pink Pearl was still doing a bit of gardening with her as well. 

Though.. it probably isn't the same without.. _her_..

He did let out a little sigh as he closed his eyes for one full second before opening them back up.

He grabbed a few green and yellow peppers, celery sticks, carrots, as well as leafy greens to add to his cart.

And, just a faint little question if.. maybe his daughter would like to plant vegetables or maybe garden one day because her mother did? Though it technically isn't hard wired in a Lapis Lazuli to do that.

Or, if she would.. one day have her mother's memory of gardening with Peridot?

He quickly tried to shut down a negative thought of her getting any of those.. _bad_ memories as well. 

Like.. being trapped for thousands of years inside of a mirror.. fusing with Jasper.. getting shocked and poofed by Yellow Diamond just to name a few..

He pushed the cart a bit too abruptly as he began marching out of the produce aisle.

No, no. That can't be. That wouldn't happen to her. Because, that's his daughter. Therefore, it can't. 

He stopped abruptly.

Right?

He looked down at the blanket.

But.. he had his mother's memories and, was still getting them- 

But.. but that could be because he's a diamond and, and therefore diamonds are made differently then non diamond gemstones.. 

..Right?

The blanket was pulled back to get a view of the small blue winter hat on her head. The infant squirmed lightly and took her equivalent of a deep breath as her face puckered up before relaxing once more.

He placed a long kiss on her hat, as if the healing kiss would, somehow prevent any bad, distasteful memories from ever coming to her dreams.

He placed the blanket back over her face and continued pushing the cart to another aisle of the store. 

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steven was placing the almond milk inside of the cart. 

Unfortunately the store was out of hemp milk, but this was the next best thing to get.

He didn't mind. 

He pushed the cart away from the cold display door of the freezer and started moving to another aisle.

He was almost done.

Hedgotten everything he needed; the case of water, the Enfa-lac, his cheese, a box of vegan cookies and a few other items. 

Now he just needed his veggie cup of noodles and a small bag of rice. 

And, thankfully, the aisles were side by side each other. 

Just grab those two items and then, he and his daughter can leave and head back to the isolated cabins of Montana and disappear from society once more.

He was turning down the aisle.

Various pasta and noodles were on either side of him.

And there, at the near end of the aisle he saw a green sign advertising their vegan noodle options.

That was his spot.

He pushed the cart on pass as he walked by a few other bystanders as they shopped in the store.

He stopped in front of a small section of noodles both in a cup and the ones in the packages. 

He was planning on getting only the cup of noodles, but now that his eyes were seeing the beautiful green material of the packaging.. he absolutely couldn't resist.

Besides, variety was good right?

And, he _did_ have the money for it.

He dropped the cup of noodles with the rest of the groceries and went back to the shelf to grab the noodles in the packages when he felt movement in the carrier.

He felt that jolt of anticipation again.

And just as quick, if not quicker, his mind instantly realized that.. he hadn't brought the baby bag..

He installed the car seat, had grabbed the carrier and the blanket but.. not.. the milk.. for such an occasion such as this..

He quickly flipped back the blanket, practically waiting for her to start crying.

His little one was staring out to her side quietly. Her face crinkled up as she let out a small yawn. 

That only eased his mind slightly.

She was quiet now, but, it was only a matter of time before she would start crying.

He set the blanket on her head, but not over it. Apart of his mind, more or less pointlessly hoped that, maybe the scenery around her would distract her for just a few more minutes and would buy him some more time. 

He grabbed a handful of packaged noodles and power walked out of the aisle to the other. 

He looked to either side of him back and forth as he tried finding the rice that he wanted.

Though quite frankly, if he couldn't find it in a certain amount of time, he would simply leave. Rice wasn't important at all. 

His daughter was. 

Okay. Twenty seconds he would give himself before running to the checkout line.

Thankfully, however, he'd came across the section of brown rice which was what he wanted.

Now, fifteen seconds in, he would have to look to see if this particular store had his brand. 

He looked up at the top shelf and skimmed just a couple feet across before the section ended.

It wasn't there.

He went to the shelf below that and skimmed across.

None of those was his brand.

Eleven seconds left and two more shelves to go. 

He skimmed and right before he got to the middle, he found his brand. 

"There you go." 

And, with so much stuff that had happened this past week, even just a small little achievement such as that made him smile. 

He grabbed the box of rice.

"Awww, look how cute he is."

Steven heard a familiar sounding voice. Though, he couldn't quite remember who's it was. 

Despite of the compliment he'd heard many times before, he figured this time it wasn't directed to him on the count of the baby talk, _but_ , she sounded so close by. 

And again, the voice sounded.. oddly familiar.

He placed the box of rice where one would place there toddler and he went to turn the cart around as he turned around himself. 

A gloved hand was reaching over in front of him to grab the same brand of rice he had went for.

"Oop, sorry." she had a rather coy grin on her face as she retracted her arm away. 

She placed the box of rice inside of a small basket she was holding.

It was the woman from earlier.

Steven opened his mouth to say something. 

His breath was the only thing to come out. 

The elderly woman's smile went from coy to a more friendly, cordial smile. "Your son is so cute." she complimented. "His eyes match everything that he's wearing. Even the carrier." 

'Son'?

A single nerve was struck and a split second his mind went defensive before he practically had to pull that part of his self back. 

Also, apart of him was also.. already feeling a bit impatient. He really had to leave and didn't quite have enough time to talk. Especially with.. this particular character of a lady.

He had to ease that bite off of his tone. _"She's_ my daughter." he corrected.

"Oh." she threw a hand over her surprised mouth. She was already putting her arm back down as she leaned towards him and he immediately took a step back. "Then _her_ eyes matches with everything that she's wearing." 

For some reason he had this little tick of irritation from her little inaccurate remark. Could be that he was tired or still in a slightly sensitive or sour mood. Or, it was from his impatience.

Or, simply because it was his daughter.

Though, the woman seemed oddly.. congenial and friendly in her own old, odd way. 

Maybe he should ease off the defense mode.

"T, thanks.." he began. 

Plus, he hadn't quit thought about the clothes he put on his child. They were clean and warm and they were blue like her mother's favorite color.

It hadn't quit dawned on him until then that, to anyone else, they most likely would've made that assumption too having that blue seemed to be the universal color for a baby boy.

And his daughter had the whole blue color down pact. The blue snow suit, the two blue hats, the blue mittens and socks and, the blue carrier.

The woman was still smiling ever so gingerly. The wrinkles hugged nearly ever corner of her pale skin.

Steven gave her a lopsided smile of his own. "I uh.. well her mother really liked the color blue so.." he looked at his daughter looking back at the woman. "we bought a lot of blue clothes for her." 

"Awee, I see." she said warmly. She cocked her head to the side and waved her gloved hand at the infant. "Hello there cutie." 

"Heh.." Steven subconsciously shrugged.

"What's her name?" the lady asked him. 

His mouth dropped and he had to quickly close it back. 

He _hadn't_ given her a name.

And he'd just realized that. 

He and her mother had only discussed names a few times but never really decided on one. They hadn't even found names that they liked in general. 

And.. this whole entire time he hadn't named her..

".." 

He knew the lady was waiting.. but, ..he had no clue what to tell her. 

"Oh, s, sorry." he said. "Uh, what did you ask?" 

She only glanced up at him for a second before looking back and smiling at the baby. "I asked her name." 

"..o, Oh.. uh.." he looked frantically around. "Yeah, it.. took her moth-" no, he shouldn't bring her mother into this. He shouldn't.. he shouldn't _lie_ on.. someone who wasn't even.. here anymore.. 

"It took.. uh, me.." he looked at the various packaging on different bags and boxes of rice. "a while as I, uh, went back and forth to find her a good name." he looked to a box of yellow rice. _Arroz Amarillo_. He looked to a bag underneath of it. _Basmati rice_. Then to another _Jasmine rice.._. "And, eventually I.. uh.. kept narrowing down the names.." _Arborio rice_.. "And, uh.. eventually I.." _Mountain Range's Calrose rice_. ".. narrowed it down to just two uh.. two specific names and.. uh.." _Parboiled rice_ , _Koshihikari_. "eventually went.." _Dandy's Brown rice_ , _Glutinous rice_ "with.. the.. name.." he saw a bag of rice written in a foreign language. Underneath of it, the name in bold blue letters _Asmaani Lake's Basmati rice._

"I.. went with.. uh.. settled on.. As.. uh, Asmaani." he swallowed. "I, settled on Asmaani." he cleared his throat. 

"Asmaani." the lady hummed. "What a beautiful name. Does it mean anything?"

"Uh, it, uh, uh.." he stammered. "Means..well, it's a few loose uh, meanings really. But.." he looked at the blue packaging with the view of the lake behind the bold printed name. "It.. can mean blue.. or uh.. water.. or lake." 

The smile grew and so did her wrinkles. "Well with crystal blue eyes like that, the name is perfect for her." 

"Yeaaah, uh.. heh.. that's.. that's, why I chose it. Eheh." 

The lady leaned back up. "How many weeks is she?"

"Just, one week." he said. "Uh, today.. actually." 

"Really?" her voice was still quiet though the enthusiasm was ever present as her mouth stretched out wide in a huge smile. She glanced back at the infant as she grasped her gloved hands together. "How fascinating." she whispered. "I know she is really giving you and her mother the run around." she chuckled.

His heart sunk.

And the frown was quick to form on his desolate face. 

And he had to quickly shut out the memory of the blue light engulfing _her_ form-

He blinked his eyes hard. 

"Well.." his voice was already wavering and that made the woman look up immediately.

He tried to ignore the burning, tight feeling in his throat. 

Just like that, so easily, the feelings that he was harboring were coming back to the fore and he had to force them back down. 

Everything was still... so fresh. 

And without even knowing she'd ripped apart the stitches on the fabric of his emotional mind that was trying to mend slowly together.

"She's.. not with us anymore."

This time the woman's expression dropped. And, that was the first time he saw her frown. "Oh.." she said softly. "I'm so sorry.." 

_He_ was the one who was sorry.

The woman could see the tears start to well up in his tired looking eyes. The bags looking more prominent over his sorrowful face.

And he looked so young.

Seventeen? Perhaps eighteen? 

She wouldn't give him twenty.

"I know she would be proud of what you're doing." she said softly. 

A small part of the well broke in and tears feel down his face.

He would like to think that too.

If she was here she would be showering their daughter with so much love and affection.

The woman looked sad, almost in a pitying way. "The pain of losing a loved one is something indescribable." she said gently. 

She watched more tears fall from his eyes.

"But healing is real." she said. "You may not want to hear this now, especially with how early this time is for you, but.. it'll get easier." 

What was this lady..-

Why was she even-?

He blinked a few years down and wiped some that'd fallen down his cheek.

"It's hard now. But things will become easier for both you and your daughter." she took a step towards him. "I know it will."

He didn't need this now.

Not right now.

And as he felt let out a first sob as more tears fell, he grabbed the handle of the shopping cart. 

He didn't need this.

Just.. not now.

He needed to leave.. 

"Young man-"

"I.. I have to go." he choked out. He swallowed hard as he tried to level his voice. He blinked back his tears as he tried holding the feelings in. 

"Would you like a hug?" she opened her arms towards him.

He did.

Even if he didn't know her, he wanted one.

But that would only make him cry more and feel worse.

"No." he started to push the cart away from her. "I.. I just need to go. I, don't want her out in all of this. I need to take her back home." 

She lowered her arms back down. "Oh, of course." she turned around and followed in his direction as he pushed the cart on pass. "A hug really helps, young man." she didn't sound mad or that she was saying it in a defensive tone. She was saying it, as if to give him advice. 

Though, he didn't answer her back and instead, had made his way quickly and towards the nearest checkout line.

  
  


The area around him wasn't busy, thankfully. And he'd more or less forced his feelings down to a tensed ball in a crevice of his mind. 

The tears had stopped, though the sore, mourning feeling was still there.

He exhaled deeply.

And kept his attention forward as he tried to not think back on what'd happened seven days ago.. or what'd transpired just minutes ago..

Four people were in front of him.

One person was currently placing the last bag into the cart. He leaned back over and opened his wallet. He took out his card.

The second person had placed her items on the conveyor belt. The whole belt was filled with her potential belongings. And, she _still_ had food in her cart.

The third and fourth person, thankfully, had only one small basket in their hands.

Steven drummed his fingers over the smooth bar of the cart.

He exhaled out again as the cashier finally began to bag up the lady's items while the last customer was leaving the line and walking towards the exit of the store.

He watched the man as he walked through the sliding doors- 

And he heard the onset of his daughter's cry. That infamous, little sniffling hiccup she did before she started..

He looked down right as she let out a first weak whine of a cry before she took in more air to cry out louder.

No.

Not right now.. 

Not in line.

He looked up. 

The cashier was still bagging up the lady's items, completely unfazed at the infant's cry. 

The person who she was ringing up had looked back and had an apologetic, almost wistful look on her face upon hearing a newborn.

The other two in front of him had looked back, though the man looked back while the woman cut her eye at him before looking back herself.

"Come on.. come on.." he placed his hand over the carrier, before changing his mind and sliding his hand between the carrier and the baby and rubbing her back. "Come on.. just a little longer.." he whispered to her. 

She squirmed in her snow suit as her little cries were heard just a couple aisles down.

He looked on either side of him as he saw varying looks from those around him as they looked at him. 

He shrugged meekly and he believed he even mouthed out a, "Sorry." at one point.

The cashier continued to ring up the items on the belt and bag them.

And his daughter continued to cry. 

"Come on.. please.." he begged. He kissed her hat and kept his head down towards her. "We're almost out of the line.." 

But, even once they get out of the line, what was he going to do?

Let her cry for another twenty, twenty-five minutes in the car?

She wasn't going to make it. 

He rubbed her back and looked at the items he had in his cart.

He didn't really need the food.

He can get out of line, put the cart anywhere and.. and use that diamond speed of his and make his way fast to the cabin. He could be there in practically a minute. 

Or.. would that hurt the infant?

.. Scratch that off.. 

He wouldn't dare take that chance..

Then, just leave the cart anywhere and leave the store and hurry up and take the car and leave. All while feeling sorry for leaving perishables in the cart and hoping that the associates don't put them back bad or not and hoping nobody grabs the milk or cheese and gets sick from it..

The infant began to cry louder.

And.. he kind of felt a bit embarrassed.

And also ashamed at his own stupidity for not bringing her food.

And here he was getting his?

What kind of a father was he?

Didn't he just say a few days ago that he was going to be the best he could be for her?

Then what was this?

His daughter crying out because she's hungry and all because her knucklehead father forgot to pack her a bottle.

Yeah, some amazing father he was being right now.. 

The cashier continued to ring up the lady's order.

And, just why was this cashier ringing up the items sooo very slow?!

Can't this person move any faster?

Just, scan and put the food in the bag. Scan and put the food in the bag. That's it.

Steven let out an exasperated, tired, embarrassed, shameful sigh as he began to bounce lightly. Hoping that the gentle bounce and rock would soothe her as he continued to rub her back. 

It in fact, did _not_ and now he had a feeling that everyone in the whole store knew that there was a baby in the store.

"Pleeeaaaase, please, please, please.." he whispered softly to her.

Yeah. There was no way she was going to make it all the way back to the cabin.

He was going to have to think of something fast-

"Sir?" the man who was next in line called out to him.

Steven wasn't paying attention. The boy too busy begging his daughter to wait just a little bit longer. 

"Hey. Hey, dude." the woman in front of him turned around. "Hey."

He saw a hand wave in front of him. "Huh?" 

He saw the lady, but saw the man behind her wave his hand. "You want to get in front of me?"

Steven looked at him. 

One would've thought that the friendly, thoughtful gentleman had given him a million dollars the way he looked and reacted.

He nearly nodded his head off of his shoulders. "Yeees, yes, yes, yes." he pushed the cart eagerly and the two of them moved out the way for him. 

His daughter continued to cry. 

"I know.. I know.." he whined softly. He quickly placed the items on the belt but kept the case of water inside.

The cahier grabbed the portable scanner and leaned over. The teen scanned the barcode and leaned back on her heels.

"Thanks so much." he told the man.

"Hey, no worries." he said. And he let out a dad chuckle. "I've been there, done that many times." 

As the cashier continued to scan and, as his daughter continued to bellow out louder, his brain clicked to an idea.

And actually, he should've grabbed those items anyway..

"Uh, sorry. I just need one thing." he raced out of the line and the two moved out of his way. "Just one more thing!"

The lady behind the man sighed dramatically.

The man looked back at her. 

"What?" her lips pulled back in vexation. "I had to wait in this line to hear all of that crying and now he forgot something. Come on, I have to goo."

"Just be patient." he said simply. "Give the boy a break. He already looks frazzled." 

She rolled her eyes. "That's sooo not my problem."

Moments later and they heard the crying getting louder as Steven rushed back to the front as he held the baby's head firmly to his chest.

They moved out the way for him once more and right as the cashier bagged up the last item, he placed three bottles on the belt.

She scanned them each one by one and placed them in the same bag with his milk and doubled the bag. She placed the bag on the counter with the others. 

Then, Steven gasped. "Oh no! Is.. there a way for you to take off the Enfa-lac and the bottles?" he asked.

"Ooooooh, are you KIDDING me?" the lady threw her hands up.

The three looked at her and the man in line held a hand out. "Just, take your time. Some people just need to learn patience."

The cashier began taking the bottles out of the bag-

"No, no. You can keep everything in the bag. I, I just want to pay for the bottles and the powered milk in cash." he took out his wallet, seeing the people beside him just out the corner of his eye, but ignoring the varying looks he was getting from them.

No need for his father looking at his debit card history.

Now, not to say that he _did_.

His father was far from one who would snoop and if anything he would never _ever_ look at his history. He didn't have privacy his own self growing up and so, had given Steven the opposite. His own freedom instead.

Still.

_Still._

He couldn't take that chance. 

His father could, somehow get a random notification and he looks thinking that it's his account, anything could happen. Anything could mess up. 

The cashier was taking the four items off. "Oh.. I still need to take them out of the bag anyway because I have to rescan them."

There was another extremely, overly dramatic sigh in line.

And.. Steven wanted to personally bubble her mouth and send it to the temple..

"You can go ahead and pay." the cashier told him and he did as she took out the three bottles and placed them on the belt. Then she searched through the bags to find the Enfa-lac.

Steven put his card back in his wallet as the receipt was coming out of the register. He kept the wallet open as he sifted through the bills. He took out three twenties.

The cashier finally found the powdered milk and scanned it. She placed it back in the same bag and scanned the three bottles and placed them in the bag with the almond milk.

Steven handed her the money and while she went back to her register he quickly started reaching over, _while also being mindful of his daughter_ and putting the five bags in the cart.

He heard the receipt coming out of the machine and she tore the paper from the holder and handed both receipts and his change to him.

"Thanks." he was quick to shove everything in his pocket. He turned to the man. "Thanks again." he said over the wails of the newborn.

"Again, it's no problem. Just take it easy." he grinned. "Can't have you growing gray hair yet like me." he said. "That comes later when they become teenagers." 

"O, oh... Heh." he knew he was giving the man his famous lopsided grin.

Teenagers?!

He didn't want to think about that.

Why would the guy say something like that?!

"Uh, well.." Steven was already pushing the cart away. He gestured with a thumb at the exit of the door wordlessly.

The man nodded knowingly and gave him a wave.

And with that, Steven was already pushing the cart out of line and away from them.

"It's about tiiiime." the woman groaned dramatically.

  
  


Steven pushed the cart through the sliding doors and into the vestibule of the store. Inside lay carts, stacked up cases of water, water jugs, various gumball and candy machines, a change counter mchine and a few potted plants. 

But what he'd immediately went for, was the empty bench that was practically calling out for him.

He rushed towards it as he held the newborn's head securely to his chest.

He nearly halted on his heels and he stopped the cart abruptly before diving into the bags and search for the Enfa-lac. 

Moments later he found it in the second bag and grabbed one bottle out of another bag. He poked a hole in the plastic case of the water and tore it open and took out a water bottle. 

He sat down on the bench as he was already ripping the clear plastic off the packaging of the bottle.

He peeled the plastic mold casing back and plucked the tiny bottle from it. He placed it on his lap and went straight for the powdered milk. He peeled the top off then peeled the plastic covering from it. 

He untwisted the collar and the nipple from the bottle and began scooping the powdered contents into it.

His daughter's cries never let up. 

"Don't worry.. the milk's almost done.. don't worryyy.." he mumbled. He put the scoop back in the container and closed it back. He placed the bottle on the bench and untwisted the cap from the water bottle. He poured the liquid into the powder just a few centimeters from the top and he put the cap back on the bottle and put the nipple and the collar into the baby bottle. 

He began shaking the bottle.

Hopefully this was okay.

Weren't people supposed to boil baby bottles before using them?

Will she get sick from this?

The baby continued to cry.

Should he really take that chance or simply go home, leaving her to.. cry?

No.

He wouldn't be able to take it.

It would be too painful to hear her cry any longer.

But, it would be _more_ painful if she got sick. Especially because of _him._

Her cries continued to echo throughout the vestibule. 

He shook his leg in distraught.

Maybe.. he could..?

He raised the bottle to his lips and kissed it.

And he hoped that worked. As if his kisses could "heal" the germs away..

That was.. more or less like sanitizing.. right?

Hopefully..

But right now he would have to hope for the better.

He took her out of the carrier and laid her on his arm. He placed the bottle in her mouth and immediately she began drinking from it.

The muffled indistinguishable chatter and white noise from the store on the other side of the sliding doors were now prominent within the vestibule.

Steven slouched back and sighed as he slid his legs out. 

Not the most ideal grocery shopping day with a newborn, but he figured it could've been worse. 

_Much_ worse.

But, now she was back to being content as she drunk her milk, so all is well and at peace for now.

He looked down at the infant in his arm.

She was looking at him.

He would be lying if he said the pain wasn't still there when he looked at her. But, the majority part of his mind also had this deep attachment, this affection, this warmth for her.

And each day, each hour, each minute, each second that passed, she grew on him more and more.

This was his daughter.

 _Their_ daughter.

Steven continued to sit at the bench as he fed her.

It was a good thing the area they were in wasn't too cold.

Though for him, he still wondered and worried if, by any chance, the area was still cold, for his _daughter_ at least.

He shifted the bottle to one hand and had the free hand to tuck the blanket closer to her and around her neck and her face.

He grabbed the bottle with the other hand once more.

The sliding doors opened and the man from before walked out with his two bags. "Take it easy there son." he said to him. 

Steven peeled his eyes away from the newborn and to the middle aged fellow. "Uh, yeah. Just, one step at a time.." 

That seemed to be his motto ever since he first started with his whole recovery thing.. _that he had going on for his self for quite some time._

"Yeah, yeah." he agreed. He made small steps to the second pair of sliding doors, though his attention was still on Steven. "Don't let your son drive you too crazy, eh." he grinned. 

_Oh, are you kiiidding m-_

"She's my" the man was already walking out. ".. daughter.."

Steven looked back at his daughter and rolled his eyes. "Ah, people.." he mumbled.

His daughter only looked at him as she drunk her milk. 

A very small, wan smile came to his face. 

Moments later and the sliding doors opened again and within the store's noise and chatter came _more_ noise and chatter.. from the woman who was, less than pleased to be in the store thanks to..-

The woman eyed him as she walked out. Two bags in one hand and her cellphone in the other. "Yeah, and then he had to go _back_ to get something. Wasting _MORE_ of my time." her face twisted up at him.

He didn't bother saying anything. 

Though she better cut back on her talk. 

..lest she really riles him up..

Yeah. _Now_ wasn't the time to get under his skin.

..Skin that could glow at any given moment when put under stress..

He narrowed his eyes at her. 

"Yeah! Ex.." she nodded on the phone. "Exactly! That's what I was saying! Like, come on dude!" she walked towards the next sliding doors adjacent her. "And the WHOLE time he had his son crying all in my ear!" she walked out the store. 

He glared at her through the glass doors and saw her scowl back at him one last time before walking away and saying more to the person on the other end of the call.

Don't fall into it.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and let an even deeper breath out.

Whatever. 

He forced that little tick of irritation down with the other sour emotions he was feeling. 

He looked at his daughter and forced out a smile. He tried for another forced, playful eyeroll. "Like I said." he grinned sadly. "People." 

  
  


His daughter had finished the milk minutes later and he'd put everything back in the bags.

Now, he was patting her back.

So far, she'd only burped once.

"Let's see if we can get another one out of you." he pat her back gently.

And she did. 

She burped two more times, with the last one bigger than the second. 

"Oh, that was a good one." he smiled.

Moments later of patting her back yet nothing else came back out.

"Okay. Guess that's it then." he said.

Then a small thought came to mind. 

He was still a bit worried and skeptic and.. _paranoid_ about the cleanliness of the bottle and the germs..

He still hoped that she wouldn't get sick..

He lifted her up and kissed her belly through her onsie. "Mmmwah." he set her back down. 

That should also work. 

Hopefully kissing the bottle and kissing her little tummy was good enough to prevent anything from happening. 

He placed her arms back inside of the snow suit and zipped it back up and quickly wrapped the blanket back around her.

He slid her back into the carrier. "Looks like we're set." he said to her. 

He got up from the bench and fixed the blanket over her face. "Hopefully the temperature didn't drop _too_ much since we've been here."

He grabbed the cart and turned it around and started heading for the sliding doors.

Okay. Aside from him being an idiot and forgetting her food, causing her to cry out in the store, the whole trip in general wasn't oh so bad.

He would like to think that next time would be even better. 

And _next_ time, hopefully _not_ forgetting her milk.

 _Or_ her baby bag in _general._

Steven walked through the sliding doors and the chill of the late afternoon air instantly coated his skin. 

He tucked the blankets in more around her head and wrapped his arm around the carrier and held her closer to him. 

Though, at least now they had no worries.

She was fed and safe and in his arms.

Something that he was cherishing already.

Something that he would _always_ cherish.

Steven turned the cart towards the curb just beyond the corner of the store- 

When a red basket struck the side of his cart.

He looked.

And had to resist a step back.

Right where the two walls of the store met. Right at the corner of the market. The blindspot for any shopper going out from the sliding doors or towards it from the outside. Right, at that corner..

"Uh oh. Looks like we keep walking the same paths." she stated lightly.

.. was the same older lady from before..

Steven stood there. Frozen.

The senior citizen herself placed the cart inside of the other stack of carts and took her one bag out. 

She looked at Steven's lightly shocked expression. "Sorry for the little jump scare." she smiled. "Perhaps they should put mirrors at the corners of these buildings." she suggested. She tilted her head up at him. "Would really prevent a lot of mishaps."

One would think he had this trepidation towards her. This, worry or nervous feeling. Especially with his dubious look towards her.

And the first two times he more or less had this slight edge towards her.

Yet, at the same time.. he couldn't _actually_ get a bad vibe from her. 

"Yeah.. I, guess it would." he told her.

The woman was silent with the same smile she'd been sporting since they'd first met when he nearly hit her with his door.

"Well.." he started to push his cart pass her and she turned to follow him. "I, have to go." he said. "I don't want her in this cold."

She hummed. "Such a caring, thoughtful father."

"Tha.. uh.. m'yeah.." he mumbled. His cart was entering the low ramp of the curve and towards the black tar of the parking lot.

"Young man." she looked to be skating across the cement as she made her quick, smooth way towards him. 

He turned just slightly.

The short, slim woman opened her gloved hand.

Inside it was a small piece of paper. 

She picked it up by just the thumb and her index finger and held the paper in front of him and grabbed the other edge with the thumb and index finger of her other hand. "This is my number."

He looked at the digits written in black ink on line paper.

"If you are to need anything or any help." 

Still holding the paper with both hands, she lowered her arms towards him.

He raised a hand out and she gingerly placed the paper in it and he was quick to place a thumb over it before the wind blew it from his hand. 

He looked from the paper to her. 

"..Thanks."

She nodded slowly as she brought her hands casually and delicately behind her. "A young man like you with a newborn may need a bit of help." she said softly. "I would be quite delighted to be of assistance."

"Uoh.." he paused before quickly finding his voice and saying steadily. "I.. a.. ppreciate the, uh help.." he was placing the paper in his pocket with the balled up receipts and change.

"You're welcome." the wrinkles of her face creased in deeply. "Feel free to call me at any hour. And no, you do not have to worry about the late or early hours either." she airily assured him. 

That was nice of her. 

The whole offer was.

Still, he couldn't do that to the old lady. He wouldn't call her at any time.

If, he would even call her at all..

"I'll.. keep that in mind."

Another nod from the senior. "I'll let you go." she said. "I rather not for you to get caught in any traffic." there was a pause. "I don't want to have the little one waiting either."

"Right." he said. "And thanks again. For the number." 

Another nod and a smile was her response. 

He waited one solid second before turning around. He took a step forward but hesitated right as he was about to take another.

Who exactly was this woman?

And why was she so nice to him?

Could it be some sort of ulterior motive with her?

Or was she genuinely wanting to help him?

Why wasn't he feeling a bad vibe with her despite the possible red flags..

Maybe he was over thinking this.

Could be because of so many past secrets and people harming him in the past.

Or maybe he was simply being extra vigilant and using his self awareness or just his common sense.

Or.. could be a parental instinct to watch out for people now to protect his daughter. 

Or a mixture of all of that..

Who knows..

He felt the baby squirm in his arm and he looked down and saw her crinkling up her nose. A look that could mean a potential cry very soon.

Okay, he'll worry about the lady later.

Right now, he should get back to the cabin.

He looked back one last time to see no one.

He looked to his right, then to his left.

She was nowhere in sight.

Odd, given how open and empty the lot was. She couldn't had left that quickly.

The baby squirmed more in the carrier.

He turned back around.

Right. Not important. 

He began the walk to the car. 

Maybe she was just that fast.


	8. Back from the store

Steven opened the door of the cabin with his daughter crying in his arm. The carrier and the grocery bags in the other.

He kicked the door closed and kicked his shoes off even quicker and dropped the bags and the carrier on the floor.

The car ride had been going good until they hit traffic right as they were close to their exit.

Once the traffic had cleared up a quick five minutes later, he was making the ride down the long narrowing road right as she began to cry.

That was ten minutes ago.

She couldn't had been hungry. She just ate.

Colic?

Maybe he didn't burp her so well as he'd thought.

Maybe his kiss didn't clean the bottle or heal her tummy like he'd hoped?

Maybe she was cold?

Hurt?

Was it her gem?

His heart raced in his chest. 

What if it's her gem?

Maybe she rolled on her back the wrong way in the car seat.

He jogged over to the bassinet and pulled the blanket off and began unzipping the snow suit.

He knew he should've put in a pillow or blanket behind her for exactly that reason.

Why didn't he just listen to his self?!

And now, her gem was probably crac-

A huge with of.. not the most pleasant of smells hit his nose as he opened her snow suit up.

He scrunched up his face.

Despite the relief he felt just then.

He held his breath and kept his mouth closed tightly.

Okay..

So.. that has to be the reason for the crying.

He slipped her out of the snow suit and went straight for the changing table. 

_Bleeuhhg_

Seriously.. how did parents do this?

He cleaned her up as quick yet thorough as he could all while holding his breath.

She _really_ had to go.

Steven was holding the rancid diaper in his outstretched arm as he made a beeline for the trashcan. His shirt over his nose as he ran into the kitchen.

He threw the diaper into the bin and took a deep breath in his shirt as he couldn't hold his breath in any longer. The fabric of his shirt sucked into his nostrils and he coughed and began taking deep breaths in and out of his mouth.

That..

He took deep breaths. 

That was..

He shook his head.

..And this is just the beginning..

He scrubbed his hands thoroughly and turned the sink off. He leaned his wet hands on the edge of sink and signed.

Whoa..

So, that just happened..

Moments later he finally got his bearings together and he'd remembered the perishables he still had laying by the front door. 

He looked over at the infant looking around on the changing table. 

She looked content at the moment as she kicked her little legs in her onsie. 

He jogged over to the front door and grabbed the bags and jogged back over the kitchen and.. into the smell that still lingered within.

He put everything away and at the same time, had threw out everything away in the fridge but the two water bottles.

He threw the spoiled items in the trash and tied the bag up and made a quick jog out of the cabin. 

In this particular area, there was one lone dumpster that was emptied once a week.

He ran over and threw the trash bag in and hurried back into the cabin. His mind immediately having thought of something, anything happening to his daughter within just his thirty-five seconds of being outside.

He ran inside and threw the door closed.

The baby was still kicking lightly in her onsie.

He let out a sigh of relief as he slumped to the door.

She's still okay.

A small smile came to his face as he looked back up. 

She was still safe and still sound.

He walked over towards the dresser where the changer and where his daughter lay.

"Look at you being so good." he said softly. Tiredly.

He scooped her up from the changer. The infant practically feeling as light as a feather in his arm.

He walked over to the recliner, grabbed the blanket from underneath of the snow suit in the bassinet and sat down.

He wrapped the blanket around her, making sure that her arms and legs were snugged close to her. 

Then, he leaned back in the recliner and let out a sigh as his body relaxed in the chair.

What a day. However, this time, it was different. More, invigorating? Not quite. Maybe a level or two down from that. But, it was more or less nice to do something else. Not to mention actually getting out of the cabin.

He felt a smidge different. Better or worse, he couldn't quite tell, but going outside was definitely what did it.

He was able to get some fresh air, get some more food, get his daughter some more food and bottles-

His lips fell to a frown. Not necessarily a sad one. But one that was more in thought or skeptical if anything. 

He had a bit of a tiny, not quite a breakdown, but a little.. moment where he cried, for an obvious good reason. 

Then.. it was that mysterious old woman that he'd seen a few times throughout his time at the store.

He still couldn't read her.. yet it wasn't anything necessarily bad he was feeling from her or someone he should be leery of.

Nevertheless, he was going about it in that way. 

Again.. with so many past secrets and so many people that were out to get him throughout those years of his life, he still had that stress, that.. apprehension that caution.. thinking that the past was going to repeat itself. 

And he couldn't ever let that kind of life that he lived ever happen to his daughter.

He couldn't have, wouldn't _want_ to have even just a tiny piece of what'd happen to him to ever be in her life..

And that includes random people with an agenda to possibly steal or hurt or.. whatever these crazy people do out here.

He dug into his pocket and grabbed a fistful of the pocket contents as a few coins left his pocket and slid towards the crack of the recliner. One of the receipts, a crinkled dollar and the paper laid in his hand. 

He placed the dollar bill with the rest of the money and shoved the receipt back in his pocket and with his fingers, he uncrinkled the paper. 

**Safira Baoshi**

Underneath of it, her number. 

"Safira Baoshi.." he whispered. 

This lady could be anyone..

Someone with bad intentions, someone with good intentions. He didn't know.

And, that wasn't a chance he wanted to take either.

Not with _his_ daughter.

He folded the paper in half and put it back in his pocket.

He needed to protect his daughter at an cost.

He can't have a single thing happening to her.

Ever.

.. never..

She was going to have the best life.

He looked down at the infant in the crook of his arm.

She was sleeping soundly.

He smiled at her.

His daughter.

His sweet, innocent, little daughter.

He didn't want any harm to ever come to her.

And he would do everything and anything he could so that that could never happen.

He raised his arm up slightly as he leaned his face down towards her to give her a small kiss on her tiny nose.

He leaned back up.

The infant crinkled her face and made a little pout of her lips. 

He chuckled lightly. "Aw, it wasn't that bad." 

He leaned farther back in his chair and pulled the lever on the side. 

The footrest popped up from the recliner and he leaned farther back in his chair.

He should take this time to relax. Perhaps just, rest his eyes for another hour or two before he would have to get up again to feed her.

Regardless of how tired he was, even after minutes later, he still didn't bother closing his eyes just yet.

From the moment she was born to now, off and on he would go quickly to sleep or be reluctant to go to sleep as his nerves and worries got the best of him.

And of course, that was happening once again now.

He looked down at the infant again.

Still with her eyes closed and still sleeping peacefully.

Sleep when your baby sleeps, he'd read on an article.

A frowned look of nervous worry came to his face.

But, at the same time, he wanted to keep an eye on his little one.

She needed him.

Only _had_ him.

And, sometimes.. he felt that if he closed his eyes that something _would_ happen to her.

He needed to stop being so paranoid..

He felt himself hugging his little girl tighter to him. 

But it was hard _not_ to.

Especially with so many endless possibilities out there..

He looked down once again.

Still sleeping peacefully and safe.

He sighed. 

She was okay.

She had him so she was.

He really needed to relax with all of this.

_She's okay. Just, get some rest Universe. You need your energy to take care of her when she wakes up._

Yeah.

He did.

Resting up is important.

He blinked his tired eyes slowly.

_Just close your eyes and take a little nap._

_Then, wake up and take of her._

He took just one more look at the infant still sleeping soundly in his arm before eventually closing his eyes.

Sleep when your baby sleeps..

He shifted slightly in his chair and kept his eyes closed.

All he needed was a little rest anyway.

Nothing more than that. He can handle it. 

Then he would be back on his feet and be at his daughter's beck and call the moment she wakes him up.

He let out a tired breath.

"Okay.." he mumbled softly. "Just a little nap.. That's all I need."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, already eight chapters in =D
> 
> Hope some of y'all folks are still liking this here solemn ficorooni ;D


	9. Tummy Time!

Steven was sitting in the recliner.

He'd opted for wearing a very comfortable and very warm cotton long sleeved shirt today. 

He figured it would be easier for his daughter to lay on and it wasn't a material that would be too cold or too rough for her.

The infant in question was currently laying on his chest. 

Like the videos he'd watched more than once for the past couple of days, he'd positioned her little, itty bitty arms underneath of her head as he placed a gentle hand right below her backside to put just a little pressure on her hips to shift some of the weight back versus having her fall forward which, according to those videos, was what newborns did. 

His daughter had her cheek on her knuckle as she looked off to her side.

"Heyy~." he smiled.

He wondered if this time she would be able to turn her head forward to look at him.

Though he'd only started just two days ago with their new routine. 

To make the long story short, she didn't like it very much.

At all really.

Which, also according to the videos, is what happens with some newborns.

The very first Tummy Time was in the morning after he changed her.

He decided that that day was going to be the day where he would help her strengthen her neck and get her ready for crawling in the future. 

He'd sat down on the recliner and placed her on his chest, similar to what he was doing now. 

She didn't bother lifting her head even after he placed her arms under her. And not a few seconds later, she started to whine.

He stopped the session short after just twenty seconds and placed her back in the crook of his arm where she soon calmed back down.

Later that day after he fed her he tried Tummy Time once again. That'd been four hours later.

He gave her a kiss on the cheek and placed her on his chest. 

She didn't lift her head up and she'd started getting fussy after at least ten seconds of laying on her stomach.

He cut the session short once more and decided to not have another session the rest of the day. 

The next day, he tried again. He waited a few minutes after feeding her and this time, had placed her on his arm to try a new position. 

The videos had shown a few and he chose placing her along his arm with her head laying at the crook of his elbow as her arms and legs laid closely on either side of his arm.

She seemed fine with it and he walked around the cabin for one whole minute before placing her back on his shoulder.

A few hours later he did the same thing.

A few hours after that after feeding her he tried the chest position once again.

She slid her head up but hadn't picked it up and she wasn't as fussy as before.

He only let her lay on her stomach for up to twenty seconds and turned her to her back once more before she started getting fussy or started to whine.

Hours after that after another feeding, he placed her on his arm.

Fast forward to the next day, marking the third day of Tummy Time, she seemed less fussy and she had her cheek propped up on her tiny knuckles.

"Heyyy~" he said once more.

According to the online article, Tummy Time was essential for newborns and one could start Tummy Time the moment the baby arrived home. 

Just starting off with just thirty seconds to one minute a few times throughout the day and gradually increasing the time as the baby gets older.

Now his daughter wasn't even two weeks yet.

Just two days shy of that.

"Heyyy, you hear me talking to you." he cooed softly with a smile. With his finger, he gently caressed the cheek she was laying on. 

Instinctively, she slid her face slowly to her chin. She looked at him with a tiny little pout and a slow blink of her eyes.

He grazed her cheek again, just by her mouth and she turned the way towards his finger and placed her other cheek on her gloved knuckles as she opened her mouth. 

What was it called again?

The Rooting reflex? If, he could remember correctly. 

When the newborn's cheek or corner of their mouth is stroked or touched and they turn their head and open their mouth and follow in the direction of the stimulus. 

It was cute.

Adorable. 

And he couldn't help the smile getting wider on his face under his tired eyes. 

"You're doing really good with this." he complimented. 

The newborn responded back with a tiny twist of her lips as she scrunched up her face. 

She let out a tiny hiccup of a nasally whine. 

"Ooh. Okay, okay." he said gently. "Looks like you had enough." he picked her up and slid up in his chair. 

He kissed her nose and she crinkled her face once more. "You did good." he smiled. "That was at least forty seconds." 

Now all he needed to do was give her her much needed break for the next few hours. Then, after another feeding or after another diaper change, they would have Tummy Time for another thirty seconds to a minute. 

He drew his legs up towards his chest and gently placed her on his lap. 

"You're doing really good." he complimented again. "This is only your third day and you're not as fussy like you were the last two days."

She looked at her father as she lightly kicked her legs out and moved her arms towards her face. 

It was weird how it was almost two weeks already.

The days had went by so fast.

Things were still hard, yes. Extremely hard actually. But, he was still pushing through like he promised his self.

But mainly her. 

And he had to continue to push through. For her. And.. for _her._

And he was steadily making it day by day.

He would get better..

Slowly.. steadily.. but surely, he would and, he was. 

He looked at his daughter as she fidgeted slightly while making little grunts. 

"Hm.. it should be time for you to eat soon." 

Her blue eyes looked around as she threw her limbs out stiffly. 

For the past few days she'd also gotten just a bit more active and she hadn't been as drowsy like she was during the first few days. 

Still a lingering pain that .. _she_ wasn't here to see her. To see them bonding. To be with them and to share that bond. 

His smile faltered only slightly as he'd stopped himself going for a full frown. 

Slowly.. but surely..

_..you'll heal.._

He let out a quiet breath and tried to perk his smile back up as he looked at his daughter. 

The infant looking back at him. She grunted and stuck out her tongue slightly.

"Hmph.." he chuckled dryly. 

He looked to her eyes and felt the sting of regret hit his chest and his gut and tried for accepting for what things were, despite of being far from feeling true healing and recovery from that day. 

Nevertheless, that regret, that sorrow would also always be intertwined with warmth and fondness, caring and devotion and closeness and affection. 

He leaned over. Close enough for her tiny feet to gently kick at his chest. 

"You have your mother's eyes." he said a touch sadly. Melancholic even. 

"But yours is a bit lighter than hers." he looked at the fine blue hairs on her head. "And your hair is a darker blue than hers." he continued to converse with her. "I guess you didn't want anything to do with the color pink, huh?" he joked. He knew she had nothing to do with her own adorable appearance. 

She continued to look at him as he spoke to her. 

"Hey there Asmaaaaniii~" 

She grunted as she pulled her arms close to her face. 

"Mm.. am I going to keep that name for you?" 

The infant looked at him as she brought one of her mittens towards her mouth. The fabric of the mitten hit her lips and she opened her mouth towards her hand.

"What do you think?" he smiled.

She let out a tiny, crackling coo as she mouthed the mitten. 

He nodded. "Yeah, maybe." he said. "It's growing on me."

The baby lighty gummed the mitten and began to suck on the fabric of it. 

"Okay. I think that's my cue to start preparing lunch." he grinned tiredly. He picked her up from his lap and got up from the recliner and placed her inside of the bassinet. 

He made his way to the kitchen. 

As he began preparing the milk right as he began pouring the water into the powder inside of the bottle, he started to hear her let out a few sniffling whines. 

He twisted the cap back on the water bottle and picked up the nipple of the baby bottle. "Don't worryy, I'm coming. I'm coming." he twisted it over the bottle then twisted the collar over it. 

He shook the bottle as he walked back over to the bassinet. 

His daughter was fidgeting in her onsie and he picked her up right as she began to cry. 

He shifted the newborn in his arm and placed the bottle in her mouth. 

He kissed her cheek.

As she continued to drink her milk he started for a very light walk around the small cabin. 

Another day with his daughter, another day of trying to get better at parenting and another day of trying to move on from the pain. 

All taking day by day. 

Hour by hour, second by second. 

The days going by quickly yet the actual act of parenting and moving on feeling slow moving. 

Though at least the parenting part had its rewards.

He looked down at his daughter. 

Precious, delightful, cutesy, treasured reward. 

  
  


  
  


Steven walked about the cabin. 

His daughter had finished her bottle and he was now patting her back gently as she laid her head on his shoulder. The empty bottle laying halfway out of his pocket.

"Come on." he said gently as he cracked a smile. "I know you have just one more in you." 

The baby seemed to be saying otherwise as she kept her mouth closed.

He was walking back to the front door once again.

"No?" he continued to pat her back. "But you barely even burped the first time." 

He made his way to the mat of the door and turned back around. 

"Come on. Just ooone mooore. I want to make sure you don't have any gassy tummy troubles while you sleep." 

His hand pat her back through her dark blue onsie.

"Coome on, Asmaani. You can do it. Just ooone more for daddy." he said tiredly.

He stifled a yawn.

"Just one more. Unless.. you really _do_ have no more in you-"

He heard a very light burp. 

He gasped. "There we go." he kept his voice a whisper, but the excitement was still ever present.

He shifted his arm and used his burping hand to grab the other side of her and raised her in front of him. "You did it." 

She crinkled her nose and licked her tongue out at him. 

He chuckled. "Hey, who are you licking your tongue at?"

She grunted at him.

"Yes, yoouu." he poked his lips out at her. "You keep licking your tongue at me." he cooed.

She bunched her mouth up and kept her tongue out.

"Aww, that's not very nice." he grinned.

Her little eyes squinted at him as her mouth curled up and he saw a little smirk.

Was she smiling?

Was she smiling _at_ him?

For the first time?!

At him?!

His heart fluttered in his chest.

"You're smiling at me!"

She grunted again as she gave him her gummy smile. Her little feet kicked together as she pulled her tiny knees up.

"You're actually smiling at me! You're actually smiling!" he cheesed. "This is amazing! I didn't think I would see you smile so early! I can't believe you're really-!"

There was a sound of a low crackle of gas coming from her.

He looked at her. 

She was still smiling big and showing all gums.

More crackling noises of her breaking wind as she grunted.

His smile fell to something more apologetic and lopsided.

Or.. it's.. just her going number two..

..again..

So much for thinking that she's smiling at him..

She brought a mitten up to her smiling face as she grunted. More lovely gas seeped from her onsie..

Ah, that was okay.

Smiling or gas, her gummy smile still warmed his still mending heart. 

He gave her a kiss on her little cheek.

Well.. time to change her and get that out of the way too.

"Alright Misses Smelly." he placed the newborn on his shoulder and began walking to the changer. "Time to change you, then it's time for your nap." 

She let out another grunt and he heard more crackles of gas.

He pulled his shirt over his nose and continued his walk towards the dresser.


	10. Stumped

Steven was patting the baby dry.

He'd just given her a quick sponge bath for the night. Then, it was giving her her bottle and putting her down for another nap until another two, three hours later where he would have to get up in the middle of the night to feed or change her or both.

He was now going around the stump of the umbilical cord.

Something he was still questioning actually.

Though, honestly, he shouldn't be questioning things at this point. Gems and gem magic were weird by themselves, so having a stump of an umbilical cord, but not having the actual cord at birth, shouldn't be a surprise to him.

Even though it _still_ was..

He went around the now black scab-esque stump around her bellybutton.. 

..while _also_ trying to ignore that burning question in regards to his _own_ umbilical stump and if he even had one to begin with since he doesn't necessarily have a bellybutton himself..

Again, gem magic is weird.

It's no use questioning it.

Did he have an umbilical stump? Or even a cord?

How did he get his nutrients-?

Stop.

Just don't question it.

He gently pat dry the area and placed the slightly damp towel at the edge of the dresser. 

He grabbed the light blue and white polka dotted onsie right beside it. 

Just another night, but with a different twist. Bath time, which went by well. She seemed to really love the water and was a bit fussy when he stopped putting the water over her skin. 

He'd assumed she was getting cold and had placed a warm towel over her.

She was still fussy, but had eventually quieted down after a couple of minutes.

Then he'd started to dry her off.

Steven double checked the edge of the diaper once more, making sure that the top of it wasn't rubbing against or hitting the umbilical stump.

It'd been healing so well and he didn't want anything happening to it to ruin or prolonged the healing process.

Even if he _could_ just easily heal her bellybutton.

That was besides the point.

He didn't want anything happening to her bellybutton or her in general, in any possible way.

The diaper was nowhere near touching the stump, but he still took the edge of it and folded it down. 

He just didn't want to take that chance..

Then he zipped up the onsie and wrapped a cotton blanket around her.

"And now you're clean." he kissed her cheek and placed her on his shoulder. He walked over to the bassinet.

With her having her little spongebath, now it was time to make her bottle. Then, it would be nap time for her.

He placed the infant into the bassinet and walked over to the kitchen and began preparing the bottle. 

This particular night, his mind was in thought. More so with his daughter and her life.

Everything was good so far and he was thankful for it, but he could only wonder how her _actual_ life was going to be in general. 

Not just her life that he wanted to give her, but _her_ in general.

That stump just made him question so much as her life as a Gem human hybrid.

As _seventy-five_ percent Gem and only twenty-five recent human.

Was she that much different than him?

..Did.. his dad or even his mom wonder about this too?

If something like being a Gem human hybrid could actually work? How he was going to look? What his life was going to be like as both a Gem _and_ a human?

In the video his mother made for him, she was so sure that she wouldn't be there with him despite him seemingly being the "only" Gem human hybrid.

A question that still perplexed him and plagued his mind to this day on how she actually knew that..

Again, something that he shouldn't question and that he should _stop_ thinking about. He should move on from that huge secret that he'll never ever know the answer to.

Steven shook the bottle to mix the contents inside. He turned around and started his walk towards the bassinet. 

Did his mom or dad, especially his dad, ever worry if he was going to make it as both a Gem human hybrid? When he was born, did his dad still hold his breath and didn't want to celebrate too soon as he continued to worry if his son was going to make it and continue living essentially as a human with a giant magical space rock embedded in his stomach?

He was the first of his "kind", _again, so he'd been told/ that's what everyone figured_ , so how did his parents know that nothing _wasn't_ going to happen?

Well.. they probably didn't. 

And, they probably hoped for the better. 

Just like _he_ doesn't know if anything good or bad is going to happen. 

And _he_ was hoping for the better. 

But, he himself was still doing pretty great as a hybrid and he was hopeful that she was going to do just great as well.

Steven picked his daughter up from the bassinet. 

He kissed her little cheek. 

He really _hoped_ that he was right about that..

Those scary images of something happening still ran through his mind and he tried to ignore the pessimistic, apprehensive thoughts..

He placed the bottle in her mouth. 

There were so many questions that he had.

 _Was_ she that much different than him in that aspect? As a Gem human hybrid?

So far she had all of the human qualities as an infant and nobody would even expect anything.

He looked at the dark blue hair on her head. 

Well.. when she had her _hat_ on they wouldn't expect anything. 

Though, then again, people would probably assume that he's just some eccentric Generation Z father who wanted to dye his newborn daughter's hair blue..

Either way, she seemed like a.. well, he didn't want to say "normal".. what truly classified as that? But.. she seemed like a human infant. One hundred percent. And, not a Gem human hybrid.

And speaking about her hair, he should really put a hat on her head. 

He should've done that as soon as he was done drying off her hair. 

He looked down at the infant content and drinking her milk. 

He'll do that after he feeds her.

He began walking about the cabin in a smooth, leisurely pace. 

His mind continued to wonder. 

What about her health? Human milestones? ...Gem powers? Er.. _possible_ Gem powers?

So far she seemed very healthy _and if he should also add_ , with _out_ her having seen a doctor or gotten any of her shots.

Though hopefully that doesn't come back to bite him..

But he'll be able to cure her at any time if anything _were_ to happen. 

It's not like he could go to the hospital..

He didn't have anyone and that was _including_ the mysterious, random old woman. 

She only had him. 

They only _had_ each other.

Steven continued his walk towards the front door. 

And, she was hitting her newborn milestones as the days progressed.

And again, she seemed like a healthy human child.

_Just, one with a gemstone on her back. A gemstone that may or may not work or activate when she got older._

At least that's what had happened to him. 

He summoned his shield for the first time, his first Gem power when he was twelve? Thirteen?

Or.. maybe he should count his gem glowing with a fusion-esque light as a power when he was a baby. That's what the Gems and his dad had told him. 

Actually, they still don't know what happened that day. What was that that had happened exactly?

That'd only happened that once and never again. 

A random glow and, that was it. 

Again.. Gem powers were weird..

Steven turned around and started for the recliner.

But, he'll still count as summoning his shield as first using his gemstone.

So that could happen to her as well. 

Or, maybe sooner since she was seventy-five percent Gem..?

_Hmm.._

He sat down in the chair and looked at her.

Would she only have powers of a Lapis Lazuli? Did she inherit some of his diamond powers as well?

His brows knitted slowly as he pondered on another thought that had came to him..

..Did he make some powerful human Gem hybrid then?

That sounded like something off of a kung fu movie or an anime of some sort. 

He seemed to be incredibly powerful himself compared to everyone else, including the Diamonds.

..Would his own daughter surpass him?

Would the trainee surpass the master? He could practically hear someone saying in a kid hero fantasy show. 

He shook his head of the trope.

And whether she would or not, it wouldn't matter to him. 

The only thing that he was worried about was her own health and safety and her overall life.

The infant was halfway done with her milk.

His brows were still knitted as he pondered.

Maybe..

What.. _if_.. 

Steven shifted his arm up and moved the newborn forward and he moved her to her side to lay on him. While still feeding her, he moved the same arm slowly down and slid his hand on her back to keep her propped up. He slid his hand up and pulled the blanket down slightly and pulled the collar of her shirt back gently. He looked down at her gem.

It laid pristine and unharmed on her back.

Okay..

No glowing like what'd happened with him that one time.. that he _still_ thinks about from time to time _and he has a feeling that he shouldn't and just let it go already._

But, then again.. he was at least four or five or six months when they happened.

So would that still happen with her?

Or was it just a diamond thing?

.. but.. technically she was still a diamond..?

She just didn't have the gemstone.

So.. many.. questions..

But alas, no answered questions because..

..Gem magic is mysterious but, also weird..

Steven leaned her back down on the crook of his arm.

She looked up at him.

He shrugged. "Don't mind me."

_Just trying to figure out this Gem human hybrid stuff when I myself haven't even gotten a grasp of my own being._

Maybe this was how confused the Gems were.

And even more since they didn't have much of a clue about humans.

It more or less let in a slither of guilt that his outburst and his.. episode had been about his upbringing with them.

Now he was in the same spot.

He was just by his self and not surrounded by a loving group.

And he was still getting used to his Gem side and learning about it and his human side he was still learning about as well.

Wow.. what a sad combination..

Did he know _anything_ well?

Then.. trial and error he would have to do. Just like the Gems and, even his dad as well.

"Looks like I have a lot to learn." he told his daughter.

She didn't answer. Only drinking her milk as she laid in her father's arm.

He leaned back in the recliner.

There was so much that he didn't know about his own self, let alone her. They were the same yet had their small differences.

So.. much.. he didn't know..

And so _much_ to know..

And so much to learn..

He forced a smile regardless of his rather apprehensive thoughts and self-doubt.

Well, whatever the case may be with his daughter, no matter _what_ it was, he would be able to handle it.

She was a hybrid, just like him.

So, what was the worse that could happen?

Not anywhere near as worse than what he'd encountered throughout his life fighting as a Crystal Gem. 

He would be able to handle it.

He.. kinda had no choice..-

BUT a choice he would live for and strive for for his precious daughter.

He would be there for every tear, evey babble, every milestone, every laugh, everything. He would be there for her every step of the way.

Yes, he still had no idea what he was doing, but he wouldn't let his lack of knowledge stop him.

They only had each other.  


But most importantly, she only had him.

As he told his self plenty of items before, he was going to try his best to give her that special, happy life she deserved and something he wish he'd had in his own. 

And he was.

It was just him and her.

Two hybrids. Just the two of them in the world.

And to him.. he was okay with that.

Or so that's what he continued to tell himself; 

Everything was fine and everything would _always_ be fine.

He had nothing to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, what is a Gem human hybrid to do in this situation? 🤷  
> So many questions, so little answers..
> 
> Aaaaanywho, I'm still kicking with this fic and slowly writing more and more. 😎 Hope y'all are digging the story thus far.


	11. Laundry

Steven was walking back to the cabin.

He'd came from a small laundromat that was a near ten minute walk from the cabin. However, he'd used the car instead versus walking in the cool weather with his now two week old newborn.

It was a minute drive to the building and a minute drive back.

Easy.

He put their clothes in the wash, fed her (as he didn't forget to pack a bottle and bring a baby bag this time) while the washing machine was cleaning their clothes and had at least forty-five seconds of Tummy Time with her. She'd taken a nap shortly after and had woken back up just a short hour later while the clothes were in the dryer. He changed her and she'd eventually fallen back to sleep a few minutes right before they left. 

And all while he got a few compliments from other lone cabin dwellers towards his cute little "son" in which he had to both accept the compliments _and_ correct them.

Again, easy.

Everything went easy.

Perhaps he was slowly getting the hang of this now. 

Steven stepped inside of the cabin and closed the door with his foot. He placed the basket down and locked the door. 

He picked the basket up and made his way to the dresser and once again avoiding the bed as he did.

He still couldn't bring himself to use it..

Steven placed the basket on the dresser. 

It wasn't a lot to put away. Just a couple pair of jeans and mainly long John's and underwear and a few of her onsies and a handful of socks. 

This was their two weeks worth of laundry.

Not too bad.

Steven looked down at the infant in her sling.

Still sleeping peacefully with her head close to his chest and the fabric of the sling snugged around her and keeping her close to her father.

This time he'd opted for using the sling versus the chest carrier. He felt closer to her like this. He'd also read about parents being in close contact with their newborns and having that closeness and that oneness with them. It wasn't skin to skin contact, which was also what he'd read online, but they were still just as close nonetheless and just that alone helps ease the newborn and soothes them.

With a tired smile on his face, he reached into the basket and took out the first article of clothing.

A gray long John shirt.

He folded it and slid it forward and away from him. 

He reached into the basket for the next item. 

His jeans. 

He folded the pair of jeans and placed them beside the folded shirt.

He reached into the basket.

Her tiny, cute little dark blue onsie.

He folded it and placed it beside the pair of jeans.

The next article of clothing was one of his socks.

The next one was one of her thick, winter hats. This particular one had a small light blue puffball on it.

Steven continued to fold the clean, dry laundry. Every few moments taking a peak at the infant, especially whenever she would move even slightly in the sling.

  
  


It didn't take long and before he knew it he was taking out the last article of clothing. The tiniest one.

The other sock of hers he'd been looking for.

It was incredible how a newborn could be this tiny.

Steven looked at the still peacefully sleeping newborn.

And this cute.

He folded the socks together and placed them with the other tiny pairs of socks. Then he opened the first three top drawers of the dresser and began putting everything in their respectable areas.

Overall it was a relaxing day.

Tiring, but relaxing. If, that made any sense.

It was a relaxing laundry day but a tiring day looking after his daughter every two to three hours.

He looked down once more. That apprehension still in his mind and wanting to make sure if she was okay.

And she was.

She was still sleeping.

Asleep and ever content and warm and, most importantly. Safe.

He blinked his exhausted eyes and looked back up. He closed the three drawers and left the basket on the dresser and walked towards one of the main spots he'd been going to for the past two weeks. 

The recliner. 

He groaned lightly as he sunk into the seat.

He opened his red, tired eyes slowly.

Tired.

Exhausted. 

Depleted.

Drained.

Since day one he was all of these things and he still hadn't gotten any rest.

He couldn't wait until she started sleeping longer.. but if he could remember, the article on the website claimed that on average that that would be between four and six months. 

On _average_. 

Some could start sleeping longer as young as two to three months. 

While.. others may take six to eight..

He truly hope that it wouldn't take that long..

He probably wouldn't be able to properly function at that point. 

..Maybe he should take that back. 

He would still be able to function. 

He would force himself to.

He vowed to be the best father he could be and that meant being able to function properly no matter what. 

And that _includes_ ignoring how tired he was and pushing through it.

.. still..

It _would_ be nice if he could get a bit of sleep.

But alas, he still had quite some time until then. 

She wasn't even _one_ month yet..

Wondering when she could start getting in am extra hour or two.. or three, shouldn't even be in his mind at this point. 

It was _still_.. just.. the beginning..

He stifled a yawn and couldn't help but look back down at the infant try to quickly reassure himself of her well-being. 

Still sound asleep.

And breathing. 

Sleeping soundly, safe in her swing and on his chest, and still breathing. Alive and well. 

He had to force his self to look away. 

'It was okay', he had to tell his self. Looking away for just a second won't do any harm. 

Or, maybe.

Or.. it depends.

Anything can happen in a second. 

And, anything _can_ and _could've_ happened.. within the few seconds he looked away-

He looked back down.

Still alive, still at peace and still asleep. 

He sighed.

He really, _really_ had to unwind and ease his mind.

Everything was fine. Great actually.

He _really_ had to relax. and calm down..

He took in a deep breath, getting a nice smell of detergent in the air.

He exhaled out slowly.

With his daughter sleep and unharmed and safe.. he should use that time to get some sleep his self. 

Remember: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

He turned his head up and to the side and looked up at the clock on the wall.

He had about another hour an a half or so before he would have to make her another bottle.

Yes, that's enough time to squeeze in a nap versus staying up until it was time to feed her.

He undid the sling gently as not to wake her. He placed the sling gently on his lap and even gentler, scooped her up from inside it.

He kissed the infant on her cheek and gently placed her inside of the bassinet. He grabbed the blanket that was already waiting for her inside of the small crib and he wrapped her up inside it. "There. Nice and snugged."

He moved the sling over and sat down beside it in the recliner.

Just another day.

And it really seemed like he was getting the hang of it.

Feeding her, burping her, changing her, bathing her, rocking her gently to sleep, keeping a close eye on her. 

And all while trying to take care of his self and do other chores around the cabin.

Like, laundry.

Yeah..

Yeah, maybe he really _was_ getting the hang of it.

A very small, very tired smile came to his face.

He was already getting better at this.

Yes, still slowly but surely. But, he was already getting into a routine with his daughter and getting better at being a father. 

A _father._

Who would've thought.

He pulled on the handle on the side of the recliner to pop open the footrest. He leaned back in the chair.

Being a father was something he didn't think he would be already. And, it still hurt deeply that .. _she_ wasn't there.

But he had his daughter now and he was living for her.

And he already couldn't imagine a world without her.

His own _life_ without her.

She _was_ his life.

He looked over one last time to completely make sure that she was still alive and well and unharmed before closing his eyes.

Everything was fine.

Everything would _always_ be fine and he would continue to be there for her no matter what. 

The small, tired smile never left his face. 

He couldn't wait to see what the future had in store for him and for his daughter.

And no matter what it was, anything, he was going to be ready for it.


	12. Unconsolable crying

His daughter was crying.  


And she wouldn't stop.

For at least an hour an a half nonstop she'd been crying.

Terrified and worried weren't the right words for how he was truly feeling. 

She wasn't hungry, she didn't need to be changed and at first she wasn't tired but now he figured she was now..

He'd thought that she was hurt or in pain. Maybe colic? A headache or a fever? 

He kissed her stomach and her forehead. 

She'd continued to cry. 

'Her gem?' he quickly wondered and checked it. He didn't see any cracks but he figured it could've been something he couldn't see. And so he placed a kiss on her back.

She continued to cry. 

He gave her more kisses. 

If anything was wrong, _anything,_ then his kisses would've easily worked. He kissed her stomach again for colic and kissed her gem and her back again, he kissed her chest just in case she was congested from the weather and her throat just in case she had a sore throat. Anything. 

She still continued to cry.  


No matter what he did.  


He rocked her in the bassinet, he drove around in the car around the cabin, and now he was back to rocking her in his arms while walking around in the cabin as she cried uncontrollably in his ears with no look of letting up anytime soon.

And so many worries and thoughts came to his mind.

What if something was terribly wrong?

What if being seventy-five percent Gem was something that could never exist successfully? What if the human half couldn't handle it..

What if.. she was dy-

He screwed his eyes shut and tried to tear that thought away from his mind. 

He wouldn't be able to live with his self if that were to happen..

Bringing her back with his tears or not.. he would still have that guilt of not having been able to prevent it the _first_ time.

Steven was glowing pink. 

_Something that hadn't happen since.. he had his.. meltdown.. a week and a half ago._

But.. he wasn't going to _ever_ let it get that far.

_Ever._

She would _never_ see him get to that point or have an anxiety or panic attack like that ever again.

He took deep, calming breaths.

His body only having turned pink and nothing more and he was trying to keep that under wraps. He stayed his average height, no diamond eyes, no first telltale signs of his own mental corruption creeping into a scale on his skin. 

He was only glowing pink and tried everything in his own mental, emotional power to not let it go any further. 

She was crying . And uncontrollably. 

But he needed to stay calm for her and for himself.

But staying calm was not helping his daughter. She was still crying loudly and frantically. 

He stopped rubbing her back as he lowered his pink hand from her onsie and to his pocket. 

He pulled out his phone. 

He couldn't call the Gems or his father. Or rather, he felt like he couldn't. And he was reaching that point of calling the hospital. 

Though he didn't know the number of one..

If only hospitals had just several universal numbers that he could easily call and have the doctors come and find them..

Or maybe he could hurry up and get into his car and drive down to the small city and ask where the nearest hospital is?

He pressed the voice recorder on his phone to ask about newborns and crying that lasts for hours despite trying to soothe them. 

He was given a long range of explanations from something that shouldn't be of any worry to something involving colic or infection or an immediate sign of an emergency.

He tried for checking off certain things.

All while hoping he was right. 

Maybe she was hungry? He didn't think. She just ate.. but, maybe she didn't eat enough?

It wasn't colic. Or.. most likely it wasn't..? He could heal so his kiss could've easily cured her colic.. Right?.. Maybe? His.. kisses could cure colic? It can cure everything else..? Maybe.. Right? 

Maybe her gem was hurting her back. Though he never had any issue with his own gem hurting his stomach. -But, they're two different people. And, maybe the gem was too hard on her little back. Maybe that was the same way with him when he was a baby? He never asked his father about that.

Maybe she was cold. He thought he put on enough clothes on her with a hat and mittens and thick socks.

But, maybe he put on too many clothes. Was she too hot?

His mind continued to race as so many possibilities rushed throughout his frantic mind.

Then it was self doubt.

There was so much he was thinking about-

His daughter continued to cry.

Or.. maybe it was inconsolable crying.

The site had also stated that, but he was way too focused on emergency "what ifs"..

What if she was just crying.. just to cry?

And it was nothing he could do about it?

He grimaced.

He couldn't bare to hear her cry like this.. 

He couldn't bare to hear her cry in _general_.

He wanted her to be happy.

He is _supposed_ to be here to make her happy.

And here he is cradling his daughter in his arm and bouncing her gently as she cried.

He didn't like this feeling.

..Not knowing what was wrong with his daughter and so.. not being able to help her.

He felt like he was at an impasse. Stuck. And only to hear how upset and unhappy and perhaps, dare he say.. maybe in pain his daughter was.

Steven rocked her as he walked across the room of the cabin. A gentle hand placed on the blankets across her stomach as he massaged the fabric over her.

She continued to cry loudly as she fidgeted under the wrapped cover.

What could he do now.. 

He was lost..

And.. without nothing else but try and soothe her, he only continued to rock her. A small, wavering, near voice cracking hum came from him as he tried to hum softly to her as he rubbed her stomach. 

He took another deep breath in and breathed out slowly.

No matter how difficult it was.. he would continue on. 

Of course he would. No matter how hard life would get between them or against her.

He'll pull through.

He'll continue on.

He looked at his daughter. Her face red and twisted in a seemingly, very pained and tired look as her eyes clenched tightly while she continued to cry.

That only made him feel worse.. and hopeless..

He.. couldn't do anything..

His torn, pained, sorrowful mind looked at her.. seeing a little blue of her eyes as she wailed uncontrollably. 

Her blue eyes reminding him of.. _her.._

His chest tightened.

Bittersweet memories slowly coming back to him.. then, to her last breath and bringing their child to the world. 

If only she was here with them..

To be there.. still alive and well.. and to be with him and their daughter.

Would her mother had known how to soothe her?

Some kind of.. Lazuli secret in knowing how to console them?

There probably wasn't such a thing.. but maybe his daughter would've benefited from her mother's touch. 

..If _only_ she was here..

..If _only_ they could _both_ be together..

They would be trying to soothe her together..

She holding her daughter or him.. or both of them as they sat in bed or walked side by side each other as they both tried consoling her. And, all while they bonded and became even closer.

Tears stung his eyes as they slid down his cheeks. 

He rocked her lightly as he sobbed quietly with her.

It was okay..

It was going to be okay.

Everything was.

That's what he kept telling himself..

Healing from the past, taking care of his daughter, everything.. 

He felt his body grow slightly and he could feel his self slowly start to come undone.

He shut his eyes tightly to the point of hurting the corners of them.

He took steady, deep breaths.

He wasn't going to let that happen.

He promised his self and most importantly, his daughter, that he would never get to that point. 

He will never get like _that_ ever again..

He stopped in front of the dresser and saw his glowing face and teary eyes in the mirror. A slight growth of his body. 

Another deep breath in and another deep breath out.

He wouldn't get like that..

Despite of everything, he wouldn't..

He missed her terribly, but he deeply adored and cherished his daughter too. He just wanted them _both_ with him. He wanted the three of them to be together.

More tears streamed down his face. 

But he couldn't..

It was only and would only _be_ him and his daughter..

Steven took a few steps away and his eye caught sight of the small, rectangular piece of paper from days prior. 

The paper the old lady gave him. 

He looked at the folded up note laying on the surface of the dresser.

That old woman..

That old, mysterious woman..

He still hadn't called and definitely didn't plan too.

Even in times like these..

Maybe it would make things worse. 

He didn't know who she was..

Steven couldn't look away from the note.

His mind went back to the store. The lady handing him her number, then.. disappearing.. 

He wiped his cheek with his shoulder as more tears fell.

He didn't need her.

It was just him and his daughter.

His crying, unhappy daughter that he didn't know what to do with.. and feeling lost himself.

He swallowed hard as he rocked her tiredly.

His eyes still glued to the paper.

What was he going to do..

Why if.. something was seriously wrong with her..

He should try getting to the hospital..

Or.. maybe there was a.. reason she gave him her number..

The newborn wailed loudly in the crook of his pink arm. 

"Please.. Asmaani.." his voice cracked. Fresh tears slide down to his chin and collected on his skin before dripping to her blanket.

He just wanted her to be happy.. and healthy.. and safe..

But now he didn't know what to do..

And now with her mother not here with him.. with, _them.._

What was he going to do..

He rocked her.. as his his eyes trailed back to the paper once more.

He.. didn't quite have a bad feeling about the paper.. 

Still..

Would he really take that chance..

That woman could be bad news.. she could be up to no good..

He wouldn't do that to his daughter..

But what could he do..

He let out a sob and tried holding his pitiful cries in.. once again crying silently with her. The emotional pain and guilt gripping him tightly.

He looked at the small, folded paper through his watery eyes..

He was so alone.

He was facing all of this alone..

If only she was here.

If only they could be together.

If.. only he could soothe his daughter.. make her happy once again. Make the pain or whatever was bothering her to disappear and to stop the tears.

He was so alone and without her mother and trying his best as he worked through everything alone with their daughter.

His eyes never left the paper.. 

Very faintly.. he felt something. A feeling, a pull..- 

_"A hug really helps, young man."_

The voice sounded close in his ear rather than in his mind and he looked to his side.

No body was there.

He looked back at the paper as the tears continued to slide down his face.

He could somehow feel the presence of the lady.. or perhaps it really was in his mind. 

He could hear her so clearly.

_"A hug really helps."_

He heard her soft voice.

Something that she'd said right as he was rushing to leave from her. Something that he rejected when he was offered one despite of wanting it.

And.. something that resonated with him in a way that hit him hard, almost to the point of knocking the breath out of him.

So much guilt.. so much sorrow.. 

So much.. _pain.._

'A hug really helps.'

..a hug really helps..

He looked at his newborn crying.. wailing.. 

More of his own tears left his eyes. 

He shifted the newborn from his arm and lifted her up. 

He placed his daughter on his shoulder and placed a gentle arm around her back as he lightly held her shoulders. 

.. A hug really helps..

His breathed hitched as he let out another sob.

He moved his head and laid it gently on hers. 

"I miss your mother so much." his voice wavered. He sniffled as he let out another choked sob. "I miss her.. so, soo much." he whispered. 

He gently rubbed at the infants tiny, frail shoulders. 

"And.." the tears dripped to his arm. "I love you so much." 

The baby cried in his ear and he leaned up and gave her a gentle, teary kiss on the cheek before lightly placing his head back on hers. 

"Everything will be okay." he said tenderly. "I promise.." he took in a shaky breath and exhaled. "I promise I'll get better at this." 

He rubbed her shoulders with his thumb. Slowly, gently.. as he rocked her softly in his arm. His head laying lightly against her hat. 

The cries never stopped from her..

And neither did his.

Another deep, shaky breath from him..

So much guilt, sorrow and pain..

He held his precious daughter closer to him as he sobbed quietly.. 

And little hope.. but so much compassion.. and love for his daughter.

He sniffled.

He wanted nothing but the best for her. A happy, safe life without any worries.. 

His thumb caressed her shoulders.

"It's okay.." he whispered. "Daddy's here."

The wails kept on.. loudly.. miserably.. distraught.. frantically.. 

He let his ears take in her cries as he kept his head on hers. 

"Daddy's here." he reassured her again softly. "And.. he'll always be here."

More tears slid down his pink skin.

He held her gently to his shoulder as he hugged her.

"Always."

He'll _always_ be there for her.

And he'll get better.

He'll give her the life she deserved.

And he'll get better.

He'll continue solely living for her.

And he'll get better. 

He loved his daughter.

And for her, he'll get better.

If only her mother could see the progress he'll make in his life with her.

He can only get better and overcome his trauma and give her his love and his protection and his heart and.. his life. 

Everything will get better.

That was his promise to her.


	13. A song of a different name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short and the other two or so chapters will be on the short side too. 
> 
> Nevertheless, still hope that y'all enjoy 😎✌️

Steven was singing to his daughter.

Simple words that he'd made up but a tune he'd so often heard on a radio jingle.

Simple words but with a voice so tired, so drained, so.. tensed and nervous sounding. 

He was smiling tiredly with red, concerned and weary eyes. He tilted his head left and right with every rhythm as he gently clapped his hands. 

He wasn't quit sure if she liked the singing but she was looking directly at her father as he sung to her.

Perhaps this was the 'Quiet Alert State' he'd read about?

Where the infant doesn't move as much during that state as they take in their surroundings? Their focus solely on seeing and hearing their environment?

He'd read that during that state, that the baby is ready to interact and that this would be the time to communicate and play with him or her. 

That the baby will be focused on the person holding hem. That they would be taking in their environment and maybe even imitate impressions or reach out to touch a toy or the person's hand. 

But here, she was.. maybe a bit _too_ quiet and still?

At least to _him_ she was..

She barely gripped at his fingers when he placed them in her hands and her face barely made any movement and her eyes kept forward on him. 

It was a huge difference from her crying from yesterday and being so quiet nearly all day today apart from a few cries when she was hungry or needed changing. 

Yesterday it seemed like she was never going to stop crying. The wails lasting for hours. 

A part of him had this anxiety, this apprehension that it was going to happen again and he found himself being overly clingy and overly nice and overly cheery to her to prevent something like that from happening again.

He couldn't take that chance. He didn't want anything as terrifying and nerve wrecking as that to happen again even though inconsolable crying was something he more or less couldn't prevent..

But now, today, it was the complete opposite. She was so quiet.

Was she content?

Upset?

She _did_ also look extremely tired and worn out today. She'd been looking like that ever since she stopped her crying yesterday. And her tired look transfered over to today. And, she wasn't as active as she usually was.

Could've been due to all of the crying.

Maybe his poor daughter was simply exhausted from all of that..

Though to be on the safe side, he had _also_ kissed her multiple times, just in case she was coming down with something.

He was.. somewhat sure that his kiss could cure colds.

Just like he was.. still _somewhat_ sure that his kiss can cure colic.

Either way, kisses were still his way to go to more or less reassure him that she would have a higher chance of being okay. 

"I believe that every light that radiates on you will always shiiine on yooou for aall tiiime~." he sung tiredly. "I have my oath, my promise that I'll always protect you from anything scary hiding in every shaaadooow~. I wiiiill, keep watch and shield you like a knight in the blaack of niiiight~." 

He looked at his precious treasure. "And I promise I'll never leave, I'll be with you always and never go and reassure that you have sweat dreams every peaaceful niight~"

"Like a seed of a treeee, I'll help you grow strooong. Like the sun in the skyyy, I'll watch you shine briiightlyyy. I'll announce to the whole world so you'll know every morning and nightlyyy~ Ooooo~~. That so long as the world turns, that not for a moment, there'll ever be a father on this Earth that loves their daughter more than Iii loove yoou~"

His daughter only looked at him..

She was just.. so eerily calm.

Did that mean she liked the song?

Maybe she simply wasn't feeling it today..

He finally stopped singing and clapping his hands.

She.. couldn't be sick?

She had to be incredibly tired then..?

Or at least that's what he'd hoped and that it wasn't anything serious..

He'd also just fed her about twenty minutes ago.

It could be that she was full and exhausted-

Her eyes fluttered just slightly before looking back at him. 

..And.. forcing herself to stay up for some reason?

He looked at her, not completely sure what to do. 

Her eyelids lowered slightly but the blue of her eyes never left him. 

Looks like she was finally drifting off to sleep.

He was still confused to say the least, but at least she seemed fine. Just tired. Really tired. 

And keeping herself up..

For a reason he still didn't know..

He picked her up gently from his lap and her eyes cracked open tiredly. "Sorry." he whispered. He placed the infant in the crook of his his arm. "Just wanted you to be more comfortable." he kissed her cheek. "Okay, you should get your rest." he decided to plant another little kiss, this one on her tiny nose. 

Her face crinkled and her mouth squeezed in a small pout. 

That made him chuckle happily. 

At least she's still doing that.

He leaned back in the recliner and slid his legs back down on the chair. 

He opted for not singing, wanting her to get some peace and quiet.

He looked down at his arm and saw that his daughter was already closing her eyes.

With her safe and sound in his arms, he felt himself relaxing just slightly. And a rather happy, little joking thought came to his mind that made the situation feel a bit lighter to him. 

Guess she was trying to stay up to hear him sing.

That made him chuckle. 

Looks like he has his own audience already. 

And for this sweet, precious fan, he would sing to her forever.

Steven reached over and grabbed the blanket from the edge of the bassinet and leaned back in the recliner. 

He placed it over her and tucked it around her body. The infant was already fast asleep in his arm. 

"Sweet dreams, Asmaani." 

Something he was getting used to saying already. Both that friendly saying as she slept and still using that particular name. 

He kissed her blue Polka dotted hat.

He always want her to have sweet dreams.

He always want her to have a sweet life in general.

He kept his tired eyes on her as she slept soundly.

He still had to try even harder to give her that kind of life.

And he would.

He would continue striving to do so.

For the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Steven was singing is actually homage to a real song.
> 
> Kudos to those who know which song I was trying to replicate with that one 🤗😎✌️


	14. Los tallarines y la inquietud

Steven was eating one of his vegan noodle cups.

Today marked just two weeks, three days, thirteen hours and five minutes of his daughter being with him.

The newborn in question was in her bassinet.

Steven had the thin leg of the bassinet between his big toe and his second toe and was moving his leg towards him and back out, back and forth to give a gentle roll and rock of the crib as the infant lay awake and looking around quietly.

He slurped up the noodles and went in for another bite. He pulled the fork up from the now warm container and twirled the fork around to spin the noodles close to the utensil. 

He took another bite and slid the wrap of noodles from his fork. 

He chewed and slurped on the food. 

Delicious.

Eventually he would need to go back to the store and get some more.

Not just his noodles but a few other food items in general. 

But right now he had enough food.

Maybe he would go back in another few days.

His daughter would be older then and that would be a plus. 

Though of course he would still keep her extremely well bundled and safe all the more.

Steven glanced over at his daughter. 

She was moving her limbs gently in her blue cotton onsie. 

And most importantly. Safe. And sound. 

He looked away and at the T.V. 

Camp Pining Hearts. 

And still in Spanish.

He chewed the rest of the food he had in his mouth and swallowed it down. 

He dipped the fork back inside of the noodles.

Should he leave the channel like this?

It's.. not as fun without her mother being here to watch it with him.

It was their little game but now, without her, he wasn't going to play it. Figuring out what they were saying or, putting funny words and dialogues in their mouth?

No..

Not anymore..

The comedy wouldn't be there anymore.

And, it just wouldn't _feel_ right playing this game. He didn't want to play it by himself in general because it still hurt deeply without her being there. But, the game itself just seems like.. it was _hers_.. 

Why taint it? Why.. mock it? Why play the game or even watch it in Spanish with _out_ her? Or better yet, why even watch the show?

This was _her_ show.

And at the same time it felt as though.. keeping the show on.. letting it play on screen made it feel like she was here with him. Here with him and his daughter and watching it with him.

That's what his mind was telling him..

Yeah..

He would leave the show on for right now.  


  
  


Steven continued eating his noodles as he switched his attention back and forth from the t.v to checking on his daughter.

One he was done, he waited for a commercial break to get up an put the cup in the trashcan and the fork in the sink. 

He walked away.

He would just wash the single utensil out later. 

He walked pass the window. He'd drawn the blinds earlier to get a bit of light from the early morning.

The sky looked white and the outside area looked still and cold.

_Hmm.._

He took his phone out of his pocket to check the forecast.

According to the weather app the temperature was going to drop tonight with a chance of snow flurries.

He put his phone back in his pocket as he made his way to the bassinet. 

His daughter was looking up at the ceiling when he peered inside. "Hey, Asmaani~" he saw his daughter look over at him and just that little gestured warmed his chest and melted his heart. 

She was listening to his voice and keeping her attention on him.

That one gesture was so cute and so precious to him.

"It's going to be a bit colder tonight." he told her. "But don't worry, I'll make sure to keep you extra bundled up for tonight." 

She grunted at him.

"Hmph." he smiled. It's always so cute whenever she tries responding back to him. Especially when she gives him her gassy smile.

Though she didn't have that gummy smile on her face at the moment.

Nevertheless, she still looked just as adorable and her every move gripped at his heart.

Steven caressed her cheek lovingly and she turned her face in the direction as she opened her mouth. 

He chuckled and moved his finger away. He leaned over and kissed her cheek and sat back down in the recliner. 

He sighed as he felt his muscles relax.

Okay. The baby has been fed and changed and he himself went to the bathroom and just ate.

And the baby was content and because of that, so was he.

He glanced over at his daughter, making extra sure that she was okay and safe before he looked over at the T.V.

Several teenagers were running in a three legged race.

One of the pairs were approaching the finish line as their friends cheered them on. 

That brought a wistful smile to his face. 

He remembered when Lapis told him that she and Peridot tried to do that and they both ended up face planting in the dirt.

"Heh.."

He could easily imagine something like that happening. 

Them trying to reenact one of the many "odd" human activities and failing at it. 

Though he could _really_ see Peridot being the one to had tripped over something first or losing her balance and falling and bringing Lapis down with her.

Peridot the accident prone Gem.

How was she doing now? 

It'd been two weeks since she called..

Regardless of him wondering about her or Bismuth even, he shouldn't and wouldn't call anyway. 

He had so many reasons. 

The two of the main reasons being that he didn't want to lie to them again _and_ that he had to lay low. 

Nobody could know about what he did to Lapis and what'd ultimately happened to her.. so why even bring anything up? Why call and bring his painful past to the fore? And why even bring it up to them? It was a painful lose lose for all three of them..

Steven slid back farther into the chair to get comfortable.

He should think about something else..

His eyes couldn't help but glance back over to the bassinet to make sure his daughter was still okay. 

From his angle and now that she had an arm up and covering her face, he couldn't see if she was awake or sleep. 

He leaned back up and saw her looking off to the side. 

She's fine.

She's awake and fine. 

And safe.

She's simply looking around quietly. 

One would think that would ease him. And yes, in a way it did. There wasn't a doubt that he was happy that she was safe and sound. 

But his mind, once again, was being apprehensive.. 

It was clear and evident that she was okay and content and safe. 

And that made him happy.

And.. that made him fearful.

He couldn't let anything happen to her.

This was _his_ daughter and he needed to protect her.

And that meant to make sure she was okay every second he had his eyes open.

But.. she was okay..

He should relax.

Steven leaned back in the chair.

Just.. relax..

His daughter was okay..

His daughter was safe..

His daughter was right beside him and content and satisfied and healthy and well guarded-

Nothing could happen to her-

Steven shot up in the chair.

His daughter was still laying quiet in her bassinet.

He reached over and scooped her up gently, being careful of her head.

The infant's eyes opened wide as her limbs jerked outward before pulling back in.

"Sorry." he whispered with an apologetic smile. He leaned back in his chair and placed the baby in the crook of his arm.

In his mind this was better.

He just wanted to hold her just for a few minutes.

Or more..

He just wanted her to be safe.

And that was keeping his little one, his little bundle of joy in his arms at least for this moment.

A blanket was still laying in the chair beside him and he picked it up and placed it over her. He tucked the warm material around her.

It was still early in the morning, but later on today he would put on a thick onsie and another hat on her head, another pair of mittens and socks and an extra blanket around her for tonight. 

And maybe then his mind would be willing to place her in the bassinet to sleep.

Or he'll keep her safe in his arms..

Even though he also heard it wasn't necessarily safe either.

There have been sad stories of people unfortunately.. rolling over their babies.. 

But he wouldn't do that.

She needed him and needed to be close to him.

He needed to give her that skin to skin contact, that heartbeat, that warmth, that protection that a simple, too-far-away-from-him-even-though-right-beside-him bassinet couldn't give her. 

In his mind, this was what she needed.

His daughter looked at him.

All safe and snuggled up and so small in his arm.

How precious she truly, deeply was to him.

Lightly, he brought his arm up to his face. 

He placed a long but gentle kiss on her cheek.

Gently, he eased his arm back down as she looked up at him.

A single thought came to his mind..

Steven summoned his shield over the arm that was holding her. The infant now between the inside of the shield and his chest. 

This was better. 

In his mind she was protected even better like this. And if he wasn't so cautious that putting her in a bubble could possibly lead to a mishaps of the bubble, in extension her, being taken to the temple, he most likely would've bubbled her as well. 

With a tired, wistful smile as he looked at her once more, he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes to rest them. 

He wouldn't be going to sleep any time soon. He needed to keep the shield up.

He stifled a yawn as he shifted his head slightly to the side and towards her as he got in a more comfortable position.

His daughter was safe with him and he would continue getting better and giving her that happy, special life.

And here she was well protected. 

She had her loving, caring dad with her. The one who would always protect her and be there for her.

Nothing was going to ever happen to her. 

He reassured his apprehensive mind.

Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who's wondering, don't worry we'll be seeing our fav Gems/ Connie soon xP
> 
> I didn't tag em for no reason 😉😉✌️
> 
> We'll see 'em .. eventually xP
> 
> ..or maybe even sooner 😎😙😉


	15. Bathtime & Prepping for therapy

Steven was giving his daughter a spongebath.

The infant was secured and bundled in her warm towel with only one leg out of the towel as the rest of her body stayed covered and warm. 

He was wiping down her feet and between her tiny toes and was massaging her skin as he did.

It was later in the morning now and though he usually saved bathtime at night or late in the evenings, his daughter had.. a bit of an accident.. that resulted in a huge mess that could only be solved with him giving her a full bath and fresh new clothes. 

Steven placed the washcloth on the counter and grabbed the diaper beside her. He unfolded the towel from her and put it on her, again, folding the top of the diaper to prevent it from hitting against the umbilical stump, which was now hanging off of her.

He would've gently tried to take it off but he'd read that he shouldn't and that the parent should wait until the stump falls off on its own.

And he was going to abide by that.

Steven turned the faucet on with one hand as he kept his other hand on her side to keep her steady. 

He adjusted the water until it was at a nice, warm temperature. He pressed down on the nozzle of the soap and he let a bit of the lilac and berries smelling liquid into his hand.

Easily and cautiously, he slid his hand under her head and slid her body towards the edge of the sink. 

He rubbed the soap over her soft hair and cupped his hand under the water. He poured it over her head as she looked at him. Her arms and legs kicked out as she grunted.

He smiled and let out a quiet chuckle.

She really did enjoy bath time.

Steven rubbed the lathered soap across the fine hairs. He cupped his hand under the warm water again and slowly, he poured the water over her hair.

He poured another few handfuls of water over her hair and made sure he got the rest of the soap off of her forehead and neck and a bit on her shoulders before grabbing the towel from before. 

He turned the water off and began rubbing and patting her hair dry gently, making sure to get behind her ears and behind her neck and her shoulders. 

She let out this cute little sniffling sound and grunted again at him.

"Yeees, daddy's drying you off~." he cooed. "He has to make sure that there's no more water on you so you won't get cold." 

She let out a few short grunts as she jerked her arms to her sides. Her legs kicked at his arm and his chest.

"Hey, why do you always have to kick daddy? That's not niiice."

The infant continued to kick her feet on him.

He chuckled and put the towel back on the counter with the washcloth.

He gave her a kiss on the cheek and placed her gingerly back on the towel.

He grabbed the light blue onesie with dark blue vertical stripes on it. 

It'd only taken him a minute to gently put the onsie on her. 

And.. like the previous times after bath time, she began letting out a little whine. 

At this point now, having that this _has_ happened several times before, Steven figured that it was due to her throwing a little infant tantrum that bath time was over. 

Can infants have tantrums at two and a half weeks old?

Perhaps.

And if that is true, then this was definitely her throwing a tiny little fit at him.

He snapped the four buttons below the onsie and grabbed a warm hat and blanket he had resting near a portable heater.

The soft materials were warm against his fingers.

His daughter continued to let out a small whine, that was, he could differentiate now, wasn't a hunger cry or a cry that she needed changing or that she was tired. 

He felt the inside of the hat to make sure it wasn't _too_ hot before gently sliding it over her hair. He flipped the edge of the hat down to cover her little ears. Then he wrapped the heated blanket around her as she continued to whine.

He kissed her cheek and placed her on his shoulder. He rubbed her back. "I knoow, I knooow." he said softly. "Daddy knoows." he walked away from the counter and left everything there. "You didn't want bath time to end. I knooow." he smiled apologetically.

He made his way to the bassinet and placed her inside. 

With her now clean and warm, he can start making her bottle.

He walked away as she continued to throw her little tantrum.

It usually lasted between five to ten minutes as he rocked her or rubbed her back which seemed to work.

Then he would feed her, they would have a bit of Tummy Time and then he would either place her back in the bassinet or rock her in his arms until she fell asleep. 

Steven was pouring the water into the powdered milk in the bottle. He twisted the cap back on the water bottle and set it down on the table.

He picked up the nipple and the collar of the bottle. He picked the bottle up. 

The infant whined behind him.

"Awwee, someone's still upset." he said gingerly.

He made sure that everything was twisted tightly and secured before shaking the bottle. 

Steven was coming back over with the milk.

His daughter was still whimpering lightly in the bassinet.

"Alright, daddy's back." he placed the bottle on the armrest of the chair and scooped the tiny infant up. He looked back as he slid back into the recliner, trying to avoid hitting the bottle on the armrest. 

He placed the infant on his shoulder as he rubbed her back. Slowly and gently he pushed her up and back down in a gentle rock as he soothed her.

Minutes later and she quieted down.

He raised her up from his shoulders to face him. With a smile at her cute, sad little face, he kissed her cheek and turned her to the crook of his arm. 

He grabbed the bottle beside him and placed the bottle in her mouth.

He couldn't help but place another loving kiss on her cheek as she drunk her milk.

This was good.

Despite her taking a bath so early in the day, it had its positives.

She usually had a better, deeper nap after a soothing bath and her milk.

And with her sleep and full and clean, that'll give him more peace of mine as he followed up with his therapy session that he had in..

Steven looked up at the clock.

_10:46a.m_

In an hour and fourteen minutes.

At first he wasn't looking forward to the therapy session. And now, he still wasn't. But, he'd gotten better.

Slightly.

His next therapy session had been in his mind for more than a week and throughout the days until now, he made up various scenarios of what he could say to the therapist. Something that had nothing to do with.. _her_ mother. Something that wouldn't cause him to glow pink and something.. that he could simply tell his therapist that would get his mind off of _her_. And something.. that wouldn't bring back any painful memories.

He'd been getting better with his trauma with White and the Diamonds.. along with his dangerous, harrowing adventures with the Gems.

Slowly.

He still had quite a long way to go with his trauma, but he was getting better. 

And now, he had to do all of this all on his own. Implement the technique he was taught from his therapist and see this new painful trauma through all by his self.

He looked down at his daughter.

Both pain and hope he felt as he looked at her. 

But the hope overweighed the pain however much. And the love he had for his daughter was immeasurable. 

Steven tilted the bottle up just slightly as she drunk more of the milk.

He could be general today.

Talk about his two and a half weeks in general terms; talk about things that didn't involve.. _her_ death and anything that didn't involve.. his daughter.

Nobody could ever know.

Not even his therapist.

Despite of such a deep and comfortable connection with her.

He'll talk about anything else.

Him steadily getting better with his past trauma.

Him doing his laundry (and.. skipping the details on washing and folding newborn clothing as well).

Him eating healthier and having to go to the store soon (and skipping details on getting more baby food as well).

Getting ready for the cold weather of Montana (and skipping details on having to worry about his newborn daughter in the cold or worrying about her getting sick).

He'd been trying to figure out what to say for the passed few days without getting his self anxious or riled up, which had happened a couple times already, causing his skin to glow. 

He took a deep breath through his nose. Then took in a breath and exhaled through his mouth, longer this time.

He opened his eyes at his daughter.

A nice blanket of warmth spread across his chest.

Despite of the hurt and guilt, she still gave him this determination, this hope, this warmth of love in his heart that he'd never felt before.

She helped him. 

She'd helped him before and she's helping him now without even knowing.

She gave him that hope, that tranquility that energy and willpower.

He would be able to talk to his therapist.

It was just for an hour.

One hour of talking and trying to heal as he.. more or less ignored the elephant in the room. 

Steven kept his eyes on his daughter, now halfway done with her milk.

.. ignore the "very tiny, cute elephant in the cabin"..

A very small, sad, guilty, wistful, loving smile came to his face.


	16. The therapy session

The familiar chirps of his phone chimed.

His heart had been beating fast for the last ten minutes prior to this moment, but now it was beating a bit faster.

He began taking deep breaths once more. Something he'd done a few times prior and was now having to do again. 

This was it.

Time for his hour long therapy session.

Steven, still preforming his much needed breathing exercises, looked over at his sleeping and bundled up daughter within the warm bassinet, to get that extra push he needed. That extra little nudge and encouragement from her.

He looked back to the screen on his phone.

Another rep of deep breathing.

And another glance over at the sound asleep infant.

One last exhale out.

"Okay.." he whispered. "Let's do this." 

He pressed the button on the screen.

Moments later and a middle aged woman appeared within the small screen of his phone. 

A smile was already on her face.

He matched hers with one, but could feel that it didn't quit reach his eyes.

"Good afternoon, Steven."

For two long seconds, he felt a deep shock of apprehension and guilt pierce his heart and he felt the muscles of his throat tighten.

He cleared his throat and with a quick look over at the infant, both for that boost, to make sure she was okay _and_ from his guilt looking over at the topic he needed to keep quiet about, he opened his eyes up more to make the widened smile seem that it _did_ reach his tired, secretive dark brown eyes.

"Good morning Dr. Nadine." he tried for a cheery voice. Hoping that it didn't sound force and more casual.

The smile kept on her face. "Glad to see again." she started off and saying sweetly. But it wasn't overly sweet. It was definitely a more comforting, casual voice while also keeping that professional tone to it. "How are you doing today?"

He felt his throat tighten more and he tried widening his smile and he _really_ hoped that she hadn't noticed how fake and guilty his smile was. "I'm.. fine." he smiled.

Here comes that guilt-ridden feeling crawling up his spine..

"That's great." she shifted to leaning more on her elbow on a surface of a desk. Pens, and a stress ball were seen just slightly off screen. Her eyes, though unbeknownst to him, glanced over the full features of his face, but had gotten a good look at his red eyes. The faint bags just below them and a slight browning of his skin. "How has your weeks been?" she asked. "Last time we talked, you told me how excited you were about you and Lapis seeing more of Montana." 

A scalding hot boulder crashed into his chest and tore through his ribcage.

Or that's how it felt.

The boulder then sliding down his clenched throat and slamming into the pit of his stomach.

The fingers of anxiety crawling up his back and scratching through his skin.

He opened his mouth and a choked, indistinguishable sputtered noise came out.

The woman kept her calm, friendly composure. The smile was less jovial and more warm and caring. But it was still a calming and cordial smile.

He didn't let the woman opt for saying anything further and he sputtered out meekly. "I, it.. ran its course." he felt the feelings shoot up from his gut and to his mouth. "L, Lapis and I.." he lied and the guilt of lying grabbed his throat. "we.. didn't quite work out." he swallowed the guilt down for it to rush back up to the roof of his mouth. "She.. left.."

.. because he got her pregnant.. and she gave up her life.. to bring another baby into the world..

A second, a quick memory of her having her first contraction came to his mind and he shut his eyes tightly. He blew out a breath through his tightened lips.

Remember:

Go for general topics.

Don't think about that day.

Go to another topic.

The woman was saying something and he snapped open his eyes to see her gentle ones as she nodded knowingly. "..nd this has happened recently?"

He missed the first half and forced out a chuckle. "Sorry.. my eye." he said. "S, something was in my eye." he raised a hand to his face and acted out his finger wiping inside the corner of his eye. He blinked rapidly a few times to sell the act and went to bring the finger back into his eye. Another few blinks and a, "O.. kay. I, think I got it." he brought his hand down slowly. 

And quickly realized that he hadn't answers her question.

"..Yes. Uh.. recently.." 

Because she.. _left_ them.. before they could explore more of the different cities..

Another thought.. this one of her form being engulfed by light and her screaming-

".. ould you be comfortable telling me about the recent weeks?" 

She sounded so calm and her face looked even calmer and sincere.

The light was getting brighter in his mind as she screamed out one last time-

Steven clenched his eyes tightly and felt his muscles in his chest tighten. He gripped the phone and the armrest of the chair tighter as he felt the heat on his cheeks and he knew she was looking at a faint shade of pink across them.

The woman was unfazed.

So calm.. so collected.. so tranquil in her warm, professional, yet a casual touch to her presence. 

"Don't worry." Steven heard her say softly. "We can talk about other things." she waited a few moments. Nothing too short, but nothing too long that would put a lull on the conversation or tense more of the atmosphere than what it already was to him. "I remember you also telling me about a museum. You said that you and your friend Lars, along with another friendly bunch went there. It seemed like you had a great time with them." 

Steven was busy imagining his own self looking away and hearing the cries of his newborn daughter. The clash and sharp, loud crackles of the thunder behind him. 

Within the clamor and the screams and the ringing in his ears, he heard the therapist. Her soothing voice gripping his shirt and trying to pull him back into the present. 

Museum.

Loud crackles of thunder. 

Lars.

The streaks of lightning lighting up the room and casting a quick half second of light over his daughter.

The Off Colors.

Screaming.. blood curdling screaming to a loud, piercing cries.. 

Her. 

She left..

She's gone..

And it was his fault. 

He was the cause of what happened.

A death of a Gem.

And a birth of a hybrid.

No.. 

Better yet.. a birth of his _daughter_ who he loved so deeply.

And here he was reliving the past.

The emotions coming to the fore and he knew his whole body was pink and that his therapist was being patient..

Ever so patient and inviting and cordial.

As she always was from day one with him.

Reliving the past.. and letting the emotions get to him and he felt his self grow just slightly and he tensed up even more. 

He wasn't supposed to do this anymore.

Didn't he remember that?

He had one of his biggest outbursts just a couple weeks ago and he said he wouldn't let that happen.

Several times he'd went pink and even grown but nothing near tripling in size.

He more or less somehow kept his emotions at bay, enough to not let things go too far. 

And he should do the same thing here.

This was for his daughter.

This was for his treasurer, his life that he loved with his whole life.

He wasn't going to go down that path. 

This is for his daughter.

alSteven snapped his eyes open and element right to the sleeping infant still safe and sound and wrapped snuggly and securely in her blanket.

And just that one look.

The guilt was there and maybe even stronger. He was practically looking at what'd happened just two and a half weeks ago. 

He did feel his chest twist inside him.

But that small, very tiny spark of hope and affection was still there and thw feelings placed this small spot of warmth on his sore, fragile heart. 

The guilt was unbearable..

But, the love, on the other hand, was something he loved feeling and felt more of each passing day.

His daughter was his life and he missed her mother deeply and he knew he was the cause of that day and today.. he wished they were both here and today.. right now.. he wanted to hold his daughter in his arms and kiss her cheek and pressure and promise her how he would get better and love her every second of his life. 

He needed this therapy.

For his old, past trauma and for the fresh, deeply agonizing, gut-wrenching new one he now had.

He needed to get better and get through this.

For _her_.. and for his daughter.

His daughter lay quietly as she rested so peacefully in her bassinet.

His heart.. his life.. resting on the comforting soft cushion of the small crib.

He wanted to reassure her how much he loved and cared about her.

He wanted to rock her in his arms and give her gentle hugs and kisses and assure her time and time again how sincere and how strong his love was for her.

She only had him and he only had her.

He's going to get better.

That's his promise to her along with giving her the best life he could possibly give her.

Steven sat on the recliner. His body back to its normal size and the pink glow having receded only to dots on his cheeks. 

His therapist was still smiling, but in a proud, heartwarming way now as she saw before her eyes him calming down on his own. 

He was still getting better.

Steven was still looking at his daughter and soon enough minutes had passed him by before he realized where he was exactly and what he'd been in the middle of doing.

He was in a video call with his therapist.

And he was in an isolated cabin in Montana.

He went from looking at his daughter and to his therapist who was still as a statue but with a soft look to her form.

"S, sorry.." he mumbled and cleared his throat as he tried going for a more leveled, articulate speech. "I was looking over at my d-" he caught his self and his mouth froze and he knew his eyes did too. "I.. was, looking at my.. d.. dim reflection. Uh, in the.. mirror of the dresser."

The woman hummed. "It can be quite calming to see a familiar face."

Or, to see one's bundle of joy, one's heart, one's life wrapped up in one tiny blue blanket and laying soundly in a bassinet.

Nevertheless, Steven nodded. 

Calming also shouldn't be the word, now that he thought about it. It was something more, something stronger.

She really was his life.

Steven noticed they hadn't, or rather, _he_ hadn't said anything back to her. 

This _was_ his therapy session. And he should make every second count.

Especially since it wasn't talking about..-

Especially since it was talking about Lars and the Off Colors.

It was always a nice feeling, seeing them.

And like he'd told her in their last session, he had fun with them. 

He'll talk to her about the new bakery museum that was built right by the Wyoming State Museum and he'll talk about his and Lars' and Off Colors' relaxing day on Earth.

With another clear of a throat and subconsciously looking back at the infant before turning his attention to her, he said, "Um.. the museum." her eyes seemed to light up as they focused softly on him. "Lars and the Off Colors and I had made plans to meet up at one of the museums in Wyoming." he started.

He would lying if he said that he wasn't still riled up from his thoughts and his memories already, but at least this was the first step to getting back his composure as the two looked for other topics to talk about and discuss. 

First he'll talk about Lars and the Off Colors at the museum, then he'll go to talk about something else. 

Slowly... very slowly to getting his more relaxed and composed mind and thinking less of.. what'd recently happened..

He felt the pink spread across his cheeks-

He thought he felt a twitch of an eye as he forced to keep them open. The smile more pained if anything.

The therapist took not of his movements, his powers, the breaks between his speech. 

And she waited patiently for him. 

She would wait for him to tell her that she's ready. Or, perhaps she'll lightly intervene to give him that extra, gentle push that he needed. 

Short moments later and though the pink on his cheeks hadn't receded, he went on to say, "I was in South Dakota at that time when Flourite had paged me from the Incenerator. Lars was coming back to Earth after a year of traversing through space. I didn't know why he wanted to go to Wyoming first than Beach City, but Flourite said that it was for a convention." 

Steven proceeded to tell her about their reunion. All of the hugs and high fives and excited chatter upon seeing each other and about their antics throughout their time at the museum along with the Off Colors. 

  
  


  
  


Steven stared at the black screen of his phone.

Seeing his self without the glow on his cheeks anymore.

_That was a good thing._

The session had ended just seconds ago.

_Another good thing._

Even though it hadn't been.. _too_ bad.

But he still had this worrying feeling if she had any inklings that he was acting a bit off or.. if he seemed that he was hiding something. 

Though it could be the apprehension talking in him.

If he looked at it another way, perhaps he _had_ done a decent job in hiding everything. Once he got the ball rolling when talking about Lars and the Off Colors, the conversation between them become a bit more fluid and they went on to talking about other subjects which yes, he'd stumbled upon here and there to reconstruct it in a way as to not talk about his daughter, but everything seemed fairly well.

Steven dropped the phone haphazardly on the chair and brought up both hands to rub tiredly at his face. With a long, tired groaning sigh, he dropped them back to his lap. 

At least it was over.

He wouldn't have to worry about another therapy session until another three more weeks.

And who knows, perhaps he would be a tad bit better then.

He took another deep breath and exhaled out.

He opened his eyes and looked over at his daughter still sleeping soundly. 

And there was that warm feeling in his chest again.

Another day with his daughter and another hour having passed of her being safe.

A small, tired smile came to his face.

He was now back in the moment, in reality once again. 

Another therapy session was over and now it felt like he was back in the present.

Steven pushed his self up from the chair and slid to his side to face the side of the bassinet.

As quietly and lightly as he could, he placed an arm on the side of the bassinet and laid his face on the back of his hand as his eyes watched the infant as she slept.

Loving, protecting and worrisome eyes looking right at the baby. 

His daughter gave him the hope and the strength that he needed.

And to him that was more than what he'd ever need in his life.

He ran a gentle thumb just below her hat and on the side of her temple. "You're all that I need and that's more than enough." he whispered to the soundly sleeping newborn. 

He watched the covers raise up and back down as she breathed and that soothed him and gave him more relief and happiness. 

"I'll heal and things will get better." he dragged the thumb down to her cheek and caressed her delicate skin. 

"I'll heal from my past." he more so reassured her than himself. "and I'll heal from.." there was a bit of a pause. "..your mother.... and, things will get better."

The infant lay unharmed as she rested soundly in her bassinet.

Slowly but surely he was going to get better.

That's what he'd been telling his self and his daughter for awhile now.

And that was going to happen. He knew it was.

She only had him and he only had her.

And he loved her and she gave him that hope and that strength.

And he swore that he was going to get better and give her the best life and at just two and a half weeks, he'd been hitting rough patches but was getting back up stronger and better every time. Or, at least getting up and striving for her.

Steven leaned over and kissed her cheek and went to laying his head back on his hand as he gently, lovingly ran a hand across her blanket as he massaged her side.

He loved his daughter and he was going to let her know that every single day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't put too much into the therapy session. I've never been to therapy nor do I know too much about it. I just wanted to write out the beginning and write out what he was still feeling and then fade to black with the session.
> 
> Hopefully the therapy wasn't too wiggity wack and unreal. This is coming form someone with very little knowledge of this, hence was part of the reason as to why I kept it so short.
> 
> But I still hoped that some of y'all enjoyed it 🙃
> 
> Stay tuned for more chapters!  
> Can't wait to post this next one for y'all!! 😎😵🤔


	17. Subconscious

The feeling of calmness.

Of tranquility. 

Of peace..

  
  


Steven opened his eyes to darkness.

A turn to the right showed darkness.

A turn to the left showed the same.

He looked back in front of him.

Darkness, say for the light pink glow around his own body.

A glow was emitting from him but his actual skin wasn't pink but rather, giving _off_ a pink light.

Slowly.. he lowered his arms down and focused his eyes in front of him once more.

Very faintly, the area around him began to lighten just slightly to a dark blue. Subtle curved lines etched across the dark blue backdrop. 

This time he turned around to have a better look.

A dark blue world with curved lines scaling up and down.

Where was he?

Was this a dream that he was having?

Another of his mother's memories from his gem?

He soon realized that he was floating..

He wasn't holding his self up. There wasn't that _indescribable_ feeling of using his power.

Something else was keeping him up..

And he wasn't breathing.. but didn't feel the need to.

It was odd.. yet he didn't feel afraid.

He still felt at peace and calm..

And he floated gently along and quietly within the dark blue abyss of nothingness.

Until felt this connection suddenly.. 

He felt his self being pulled back now. 

Not quite startled and still calm, he turned his head to see the area he was being pulled towards showing a small bright white light within the dark blue background. 

Steadily, the light grew bigger as it shined brighter the closer his body pulled towards it. 

And still, the white light grew brighter, more fierce.

He shielded his eyes with his hand as he felt the connection grow deeper.. but.. within his gem. 

And still.. he wasn't scared..

This feeling.. this connection.. it was a familiar feeling. 

A familiar presence. 

Something bold, something tender, something sincere, something defensive, something warm, something strong, something peaceful, something.. he couldn't described it entirely..

He stopped. 

He was only so far away from the blinding light and he had to turn away from it as he squinted. 

He kept afloat. 

And the familiar connection grew within his gem. 

So strong.. as if someone was grabbing it.

A warm feeling had enclosed around it. 

He lifted his shirt up. 

His gem was glowing. 

But still, he wasn't alarmed.

Steven reached down to his gem and touched it lightly with his fingers. 

No heat.

No chilling cold.

He pulled his hand away and only looked at the glow over the surface of his gem. 

What was going on..

And, why did everything;.. the connection, the place.. why did it all feel so.. familiar?

A hunch had grabbed his body. 

It'd been steady until one second it became sudden.

This feeling..

He had this particular _hunch_.. as if someone was looking at him. 

The familiar connection wrapped around him. Or, that's how it felt to him.. 

And.. there was still the feeling of being watched..

Within the corner of his eye, he saw a moving figure.

Cautiously and with his other hand still over his eyes, he turned around to see Asmaani floating through the bright white light. A faint blue light traced around her body. 

The newborn's icy blue eyes looking right at him as she floated towards him. 

He gasped. The first breath he'd taken.

He smiled. "Asmaani."

And his smile faltered slightly.

He couldn't speak.

Maybe this was a weird dream..

The smile widened on his face as he reached out his arms. His shirt falling back down and covering his glowing gem and the bright light shining into his squinting eyes. "Hellooo~~ my baby girl." he mouthed out. 

This was that connection. 

He knew it now. 

The feeling was getting stronger now as his gem glowed brighter. 

It was her. 

It was his daughter. 

The newborn floated closer towards him, closing the distance between them and gently, he grabbed the precious infant and pulled her towards him. 

With a heartwarming, loving smile on his face, he placed his daughter on his shoulder and leaned his head on hers. 

He massaged her back softly. "Hey, Asmaani~" he said silently and let out a silent chuckle. He mouthed out, "What a weird dream." 

He kissed her hat. Noticing that it was the hat he'd put on her before they went to bed. 

He gave her another loving kiss. This one, on her cheek and he laid his head back on hers. 

He didn't know what this dream was about, but he was glad that he wasn't dreaming about his past or any of his traumatic memories. 

And he was glad that it wasn't any of his mother's memories..

His dream was only about him and his daughter. Safe and sound and together. 

And that made him happy.

Just the two of them bonding in a safe blanket of this dark blue empty world they were floating in. 

There was no fear or sadness.

Only peace.. tranquility..

And happiness-

The newborn began to cry.

"Asmaani?" 

It didn't alarm him. 

He was still calm. 

She sounded hungry.. or maybe she needed changing.

Until he instantly remembered that he was only dreaming. 

Then.. what could he..?

He leaned his head off of hers. "Asmaani?" he mouthed out and saw her gem glowing a bright blue under her onsie.

Was it glowing before?

Had this just happened?

He was still so calm..

This..dream..

He leaned up to see his daughter's face. 

Her eyes were glowing as bright as her gem. 

And yet.. he was still calm.. 

But he could feel a slight edge creeping into him.

"Asmaani?" 

His daughter continued to cry.

He rubbed her back to soothe her. "It's okay. It's okay." he said silently. He bounced her gently as he rubbed his fingers across her back. 

What was wrong?

What was happening?

What.. kind of dream was this? Why _was_ he dreaming this now?

The glow of her gem as he massaged over it to soothe her.

The glow of her crying eyes..

Her cries..

He laid his head back on hers. "It's okay.. it's okay." he rubbed her back. "It's going to be okay-"

Steven was staring up at a dimly lit blue fabric above him. 

He was laying on something soft but.. also felt something at the top of his back..

His skin was warm.. but he was sitting on something wet.. yet, he was.. laying down too?

What was he sitting on?

.. laying on?

..Was this another dream?

His mother's memory this time?

He went to move but couldn't. 

His arms and legs were held close to his body as something very soft and warm was wrapped around his whole body. 

He was calm.. and snugged like a burrito. And he would've been even more comfortable if it wasn't for him not being able to move from the wet area he was still sitting on. 

He wanted to move from it..

He tried rocking to either side and he couldn't. 

His body couldn't. 

Whatever was wrapped around him was one thing.. but it felt like his body was physically not able to.

Now the edge was slowly starting to creep in once again..

It took him till now to realize that he could look down. 

The light blue fabric above him had ended and he could see a dimly lit dark brown ceiling. 

Within the bottom view of his sight he could barely make out that it was a light blue fabric that was wrapped around him. 

He tried to summon his bubble.

He could imitate what he did to the Topaz fusion and let his bubble stretch out what was bind to him. 

But he couldn't even do that..

He tried again, this time focusing on his gem that.. he couldn't feel on his stomach. 

More fear began to build..

Within the wrapped fabric, he steadily pushed his arms towards his stomach to feel.. a hard, small piece of.. something? 

What was going-?

Did something happen to his gem? Was it chipped? What was going?-

There was the sound of crying beside him. 

It sounded familiar. 

And weak.. and tired..

..Low pitched..

It wasn't his daughter's..

A man.

His father? It didn't sound old enough..

This has to be another dream or another memory of his mother's..

Maybe she was locked up in a tower. Maybe they did something to her gem..

The cries continued. Short, weak sobs.

Steven looked over, his neck stiffly moving to his side. 

He saw white cushioned fabric on the side of him. Just above that, he could see..

His eyes went wide as he gasped. 

He blinked.. a few rapid blinks as if that would change what he was seeing. 

On the side of him, just beyond the fabric, that he _now_ knew was the side of the bassinet.. was the top of the black recliner. 

Sitting down and.. looking right at him with glowing pink diamond eyes.. was himself..

Tears filled his eyes and he saw them roll down his own face. 

He was laying there with his body limp on the chair. His head trying to move and his eyes looking around. 

He let out another sob as he laid there unmoving..

Steven tried to call out his daughter's name when the body wouldn't let him. A little coo came out of his mouth. 

He felt his heart.. _her_ heart start to beat faster. 

_I'm in her body.._

He was trying to keep the panic from his mind.

_I'm in her body.._

_I'm in ASMAANI'S body!.._

Trepidation.. fear.. panic..

He tried to keep his nerves calm..

But.. what was he going to do?

HOW did it get like this?! HOW did this happen?!

His nerves..

 _Her_ nerves..

He tried moving in the blanket. 

He was wrapped so securely.. and his small, frail arms were so weak..

He continued to cry. And it was getting louder..

He looked back over at his limp body. His glowing eyes as more tears slid down his face. 

He needed to get back to his body. Fast.

And.. now that he thought about it.. doing anything physically wouldn't work..

Even if he _was_ able to move..

He needed to go to sleep. 

In a state of panic and fear, he needed to try to sleep.. 

He'd done that before, when the Diamonds had arrived and Yellow was they ng to get to the cluster.

All his dad did, was play that tune that always seemed to put him to sleep. 

Would it work long after two, three years?

Was his body too old and immune to it now?

There was only one way to find out.

And his dad wasn't here..

Okay..

Then he would play the tune in his mind. _Her_.. mind?

Keeping his eyes on his self as he continued to sob, he imagined the tune being played to him. Every note and there rhythm. He'd.. even imagine his dear old dad playing it to him-

Steven was floating. 

His body emitting a blue glow around him as the black, dark blue and green canvas laid endlessly around him. 

He took his arms and "swam" with them, taking each wide, hard stroke across the dark canvas. 

He followed the connection he was feeling earlier. 

He tried swimming faster. 

The body more abled now in this state. 

Or, he should say.. the _mind_.. the soul?

From a distance he saw a figure. Pink light was traced around his body. 

He kicked his legs harder.

More of himself was coming into view.

He tried to move faster. 

He needed to get to his body.

He needed to comfort her and be with her and hold her.

He had to stop this.

Steven was getting closer. 

His back was facing him as he floated within the abyss. 

He reached out his arm, seeing the blue fabric of the onsie. 

He was so close.

His shoulder just a foot away from him. 

He needed to get back into his body.

Fast.

He was so close..

Small fingers reached out and grazed his shirt as a flashing, bright white light filled his vision-

Steven snapped his eyes open and was panting hard. He gripped at the armrests of the chair.

He was looking at the cabin once more-

A loud, nasally cry pulled him out of his stupor. 

"Asmaani!" he pushed his self off of the chair and quickly scooped up the crying baby into his arms. 

He gently pressed her head down to his shoulder and rubbed at her back. "Shh, sh, sh, shh.. it's okay. Daddy's here." he bounced the newborn gently as she cried. 

What _was_ that just now?

Did he.. just use his own power on..

N, no.. he wouldn't. Of course he wouldn't.

He wouldn't do that to his daughter.

He wants no harm to come to her and he wants her to be safe. He wouldn't, ever in his life use his.. own power on her..

Guilt.. was still coming up..

He was already doubting his self...

No..

But.. he..

No..

It was.. only a mistake..

It was only.. a..mistake..

But.. he thought he could control that.

He thought he could control his powers now, especially the old ones.

Was it stress?

Was that it?

Was he letting things build up again?

Was this in his subconscious mind?

Was his stress messing with his powers?!

That'd happen before with his pink skin and his.. body's uncontrollable growing..

But.. he thought he was long over that hill..

He thought..

Steven shook his head gently as he massaged at his crying daughter's back. "I'm so, soo sorry." he whispered sadly. "Daddy's so.. soooo sorry." 

She continued to cry.

This was probably going to be awhile..

Who knows what she was feeling now and.. with what happened, he probably caused her some form of stress. 

Him. 

_Him_

His _own_ self..

 _He_ caused her stress and harm.

It was _his_ fault that happened..

Steven ignored the pink spreading across his cheeks. 

He took a deep breath in and exhaled out slowly and deeply.

"It's okay, Asmaani." he said softly. He kissed her cheek and began making his walk. Nowhere in particular, but to walk and rock his daughter gently. 

The cries only continued..

If she was going to cry for hours like that one day, then he would understand..

If she were to cry for days, he would understand that too.

Though that was a morbid thought he never wanted to happen.

"Shh, shh.." he tried to soothe her. 

She cried in his ear..

Maybe.. maybe this was something else..

He looked up at the clock. 

Just a pinch of hopeful relief nicked him.

She would've been getting up twenty, maybe a half an hour later to be fed. 

Maybe she was hungry.

He turned back around swiftly and made quick steps back to the bassinet to place her back inside. 

He ran towards the kitchen, thought about something, ran back to the bassinet to place a kiss on the wailing infant's cheek and he hurried back towards the kitchen. 

In how ever many minutes, but in record time it seemed, he'd made her milk and was already shaking the contents up in the bottle as he rushed back towards her. 

He picked her up. "I'm back.. I'm back.." he tried for a soothing voice. 

He leaned over and kissed her cheek once again and placed the bottle in her mouth.

She wiggled in her blanket as she let out a few fussy, nasally cries before latching onto the bottle. She'd let go and a few testy cries left her mouth before she latched unto the nipple of the bottle once more.

The cries simmered slowly, weakening.. until she began to drink from her bottle. 

And just. like that. she was quiet.

That put him just slightly more at ease.

He felt the pink on his cheeks recede just slightly.

And, he kept standing. 

Wondering..

Was that really from stress?

Was it something else?

Whatever it had been. What _EVER_ it was. He would have to find out. and stop it. 

But.... _was_ it stress?

Regardless. 

He had to be even more careful with this..

He held his daughter closer.

That was _way_ too dangerous..

What if he had-

He stopped that thought as quick as it came.

That would never happen.

Steven's eyes never left his daughter as she drunk her milk.

Though his mind went back to when.. he was outside of his body.. 

To when he'd somehow found his self in hers.

The bassinet.. seeing his self crying... not feeling his own gem but.. feeling hers.. 

Feeling.. what used to be.. _hers_..

The blanket being wrapped around him, him not being able to comfort her.. or him? Seeing the ceiling as he was on his back, ..

Then he realized one other thing he'd witnessed.

He felt the heat just slightly on his cheeks though not from his gem powers.

He tried to ignore the slight embarrassment.

He should change her.. That was probably another reason why she was crying. 

And another part of his mind was thankful that she didn't end up wetting his _own_ pants..

He would change her after she finishes her milk. Then, they'll stay up, have a bit of Tummy Time and he would stay up with her until she fell back to sleep.

And.. he would _stay_ up even after she has fallen asleep. 

He couldn't take that chance tonight.

It was barely two in the morning. What if that happened again?

A power like that wasn't as easy to prevent like his other powers..

What happened before was terrifying. More so since.. he wasn't even _trying_ to do that.

He had to be careful.

He had to get better at this. Everything really. EVERY single thing. He had. to get better. at everything. No matter what. He just needed to try harder. He needed to be better than this. MUCH better.. 

He _needed_ to give her the best life ever. 

He vowed to. 

And he was going to continue keeping that promise.

"I'm so sorry for doing that to you.." he whispered sadly once again. He leaned over to kiss her hat and he leaned his face back up as he lowered his arm. "Never again. Ever.

His daughter looked up at him.

He tried to give her a reassuring smile.. but it was very low effort and sad if anything.

"I'm supposed to give you that happy, special life." he said tenderly. "And, I will." the smile seemed to come this time even if it was just a little. 

"I will. Always will."

He went in to place another loving, protecting kiss on his daughter's cheek.

"No matter what happens in life. Anything. Me and my powers, any evil outside forces, anything at all." he said. "You _will_ have that perfect life." he listed "because you're my daughter and I love you and I'll never let anything hurt you." 

Including him.. accidentally swapping bodies with her..

Steven tilted the bottle up. His eyes still on his precious little one.

He was not going to let that happen again. Ever.

Again.. he needed to try harder. He _will_ know better. He.. _needed_ to _be_.. better. And, he _was_ going to _make_ everything. ** _better._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoaa~ o3o
> 
> And uh, hoped y'all like this chapter ;D


	18. Tired eyes, tired mind, tired body

Steven was drying off his hands.

Tiredly.

And he threw the paper towel in the trash and walked out of the kitchen area of the cabin. 

_Tiredly._

His daughter was kicking her legs out lightly in her onsie.

With a tired chuckle and an even more tired smile, he scooped her up from the diaper changer. 

_Tired.ly_

And began walking to the recliner.

_... tiredly..._

He was so exhausted..

Not getting much sleep for over two and a half weeks can do that to you. 

Especially if it was only you and there was no one else there to help..

 _Especially_ if you've forced yourself awake for the passed two days because you feared that going to sleep will end up in you somehow, unwillingly, using your power to project yourself out of your own body and into an infant's..

Steven blinked slowly, though his eyes had _actually_ closed for a few seconds-

He snapped his eyes back open as he pushed his self back up straight and tall. 

.. Only for his legs to slowly dip once more.. 

... his eyes drooping back close..

.. and his mouth slowly falling open..-

He could feel his arm slid down with the baby comfortably laying in the crook of it-

He snapped his eyes back open as he clung his arm back to his body.

His red eyes looked a the newborn.

That was close.

 _Too_ close..

He should get his self to a chair before that happens again.

He tried keeping his self awake as he took his steps towards the bassinet. 

Tiredly.. he lowered the newborn into the small crib. 

As he lowered her inside he noticed she jerked her limbs out before boring ng them back in. 

"Sorry." he whispered _tiredly_. "I should've wrapped a blanket around you first." he slid one of the two blankets off of the side of the bassinet and lifted her up carefully. He slid the blanket under her with his other hand and placed her back down and wrapped the blanket snuggly around her. "There you go." he looked at the infant swaddled in a little burrito blanket. "Now you won't have those startle reflexes and you'll be able to sleep better. AND you'll be warm and toasty." he smiled. "And you look sooo cute in your widdle blanket tooo." he cooed. 

His daughter looked at him intently as he spoke to her. 

He chuckled. "Yup. Cute and adorable. And, now you get to have a nice warm nap. You're full, you've been changed and most importantly, you're healthy and you're safe." 

The infant yawned. 

He chuckled again. 

_Cute_

He leaned in and kissed her nose so he could see the cute little crinkle she does with her nose.

Like the face she's doing now.

He smiled at her. "Sweet dreams, Asmaani." he placed another kiss, this one on her cheek. He took a few steps back and sat in the recliner.

He let out a very exhausted sigh.

He was so terribly tired.. 

But he wouldn't let himself go to sleep.

Not yet.

Steven leaned forward in the chair as he placed his arms on his knees.

Leaning back wasn't an option.

Nor would it be an option for awhile.

He will force his self awake for just a bit longer.

Maybe for a couple more days.

At _least_ for a couple more days..

Then he will _perhaps_ reconsider in going back to sleep.

But right now, he was going to stay up.

He can handle it.

His body can handle it.

He'll be able to do it.

Steven looked over at the infant.

His daughter was facing away from him and looking at the side of the bassinet. 

And just that alone warmed his chest. Her simply looking at the fabric of the cushion. 

And he had to resist picking her up and holding her in his arms.

She was quiet and she was minding her own business as she laid in her little crib.

So he shouldn't bother her.

No matter how tiny and cute she was wrapped up in her little blanket.

Reluctantly, he looked away.

Only to look back at the little baby wrapped up snuggly as she looked around.

He sighed with a smile.

He turned back around and leaned over the bassinet and scooped her up in his arms. "Hey, it's me again." he leaned back up as he held the baby in front of his face. One hand behind her head and the other slightly under her back. 

She still felt as light as a feather in his hands.

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist~" he cooed.

The infant looked up at him quietly.

"Asmaaaniii~~" he cooed softly with an exhausted smile.

The infant looked so tired and he started feeling a bit bad that he disturbed her from going to sleep.

But he couldn't resist.

"I'm sorry." he apologized. "Here I am ruining your sleep and you were being so good." he kissed her forehead. "Daddy's sorry. He'll put you back in your crib so you can get your sleep." another loving, healing kiss on the forehead and he leaned forward in the bassinet to put the baby inside when a familiar tune played from his phone.

His heart flipped in his chest and that was more than enough to snap him out of his groggy state.

Instantly, guilt, apprehension and dread began to rush to the fore.

He took a calming breath that didn't calm him as the tune played over nice more.

He shifted the infant to the crook of his arm and slid the phone out of his pocket with his other hand. 

He swiped his finger across the screen.

He tried to go for a very cheery voice, but not too cheery as to sound as if he were acting, "Hey Connie." 

"Steven! Hey!" 

He even tried for a smile, hoping that somehow, his smile would be heard within his voice. "Hey! Uh, how are you?" 

"I'm doing great! How have you been? We haven't spoken in awhile." and _she_ sounded as if she was smiling. 

"Oh, things have been uh, good." he swallowed the guilt and every other wretched feeling down. "Just uh, travelling the States." he quickly moved the conversation towards her. "So, how's everything in Beach City?" 

"Everything's more or less the same really. I'm still in Cram school and-" 

The baby grunted and he looked down to see the infant solely focused on him. 

That earned her his sad, but genuine smile. 

She grunted again and he could still feel that warmth in his chest that never left from earlier. 

His little daughter in his arm trying to get his attention. 

His smile grew, even just a little over his grief-stricken, guilt-ridden face. 

And while his attention was on his daughter, he realized that Connie had been talking to him..

"..and so I'm going to help them out." 

He thought quick on what to say. 

"Sorry, my phone was breaking up. You said something about helping out?"

"Yeah, building more additions onto Little Homeworld. I'm helping the Gems out." then she added. "It also goes to my service learning hours AND it'll look good on my school record for college." 

"Wow, that sounds great, Connie." he felt the baby squirm slightly in his arm and his heart jolted in his chest, both anticipating a small sob and _hoping_ that Connie wouldn't hear one. "Glad you're uh." he looked down at the quiet infant still looking up at him. "Glad you're.. still doing a lot of things in Beach City." he began to gently rock the baby in his arm.

"Yeaaah, as I've said, it's been more or less the same. But-" she stopped abruptly. 

He looked away for just a few moments. "But what?" 

He could practically imagine her resisting a shrug. "I guess it's not the same, you know?" he thought he heard fabric, perhaps the light sound of creaky spring of the bed as well. "It's different not seeing someone jumping out of Lars' hair or floating down from somewhere to the ground and chat with us." 

"Aww, ya miss me~" 

She scoffed and moments passed before she said, "Maybe a liiittle."

"But, you should feel a little more stress free now. There's no one there to bother you with his worries." he "joked". 

That time the silence seemed a bit tense. And.. he thought that he probably shouldn't had said anything like that.. 

"Ooh, you know that's not true." he knew Connie wasn't trying to let that stern or that faint uncomfortable tone come to her voice as she said lightly, "You shouldn't joke like that. You know that's not how I feel about you." 

"Heh.. too soon?" he tried to _somehow_ lighten the mood, but saying that probably wasn't the best either.

"Yeah.. it's more than that." she didn't sound enthused. 

His smile waverd to something more apologetic. "Okay, maybe a bit too morbid.. heh." he didn't hear any laughter or so much as a chuckle on the other end and he cleared his throat. "So.."

The infant let out a very soft grunt and that same warmth spread throughout his chest. He couldn't help but smile sadly once more. 

" 'So' what?"

"Huh?" he looked from his daughter. 

"Steven, are you okay? Or, are you busy with something? Because I can just-"

"Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just." he didn't finish that sentence as he slowed his gentle rock to a stop . "I was saying uh.. so.. how are you liking it?"

There _was_ a short couple of seconds without her saying anything, before she finally answered, "It's great." he could hear that subtle skepticism in her voice towards him. "Meeting new Gems, helping Little Homeworld, still going to Space Camp." she was quick to blurt out swiftly and almost under her breath, "But it's the same story day by day." her voice sounded more pointed towards him as she asked, "But what about _you?_ It must be so exciting traveling around the country and you've shown me so many interesting pictures." 

"Oh uh yeah.. real.. fun. A lot of stuff has.." his eyes trailed back down to the tiny newborn in his arm. "happened.. lately.." the baby poked her little lips out as she pouted before her face relaxed once more. The sad, grieving yet hopeful smile stayed on his face. He placed his forehead gently on hers. "But.. I've been relaxing." he said softly, quietly and soothingly with his face so close to the infant's. "Just.. trying to sit back and relax for a bit from my travels." he leaned his head up slightly to look at his precious daughter. 

"That's actually a pretty good game plan." he heard Connie say. "It's nice to sit back and relax and unwind once in awhile." a beat and she added. "That's what I've been told." and he could imagine her smirking. "And.. it _would_ be nice to hang out with _you_ as well you know." and there was that playfulness back in her voice.

"Uh, yeah!" he went for sounding enthusiastic about it. And he wasn't necessarily faking it. He really wanted to see her. It'd been months since they last hung out and weeks since they've last talked. "Sure, I would like that a lot actually. I just thought that, with me traveling the country and-" the baby grunted and he leaned in and placed a tender peck on her cheek. "and with you and your studies and college and practically on your way to becoming the next President," he heard a snort from the teen. "I guess I thought you wouldn't have much time or.. our schedules wouldn't match up." 

"What?" her voice went up an octave and this time he knew he heard the springs under the bed as she moved. "I mean, I know we haven't been able to see each other as much as we would've liked to but that doesn't mean we can't try to continue picking better times for us to meet up. You have a car, we have the Warp Pads that you can use _and_ Pearl found an extra warp whistle and she let me have it." 

"What? Really?"

The baby cooed softly as she moved in the blanket. 

"Yes, so now I can use the Warp Pads too _and_ we have Lion and if need be," he heard another scoff. "even your mother's legship." 

That earned a groan and an eye roll that she couldn't see. 

"Well that _is_ another mode of transportation." 

"That I would rather not use." he grumbled and he got a chuckle from her. 

"Point is Steven, the opportunities are out there. We just have to actually go for them. And, that means choosing a place and time to meet up with my jam bud." 

Steven tried laughing quietly as not to disturb the infant laying soundly in his arm. "Yeah, I would like to do that. We can hang out soon and-" and he stopped himself. Caught himself. 

How would they be able to hang out? He has a baby now and a baby that he _couldn't_ tell her about. 

His daughter needed him and there was no way he would leave her with anyone else. He couldn't since he _had_ nobody else. And he wouldn't leave her with anyone because he needed to be close to her and protect her. 

They wouldn't be able to hang out..

"Uh.." he stalled. "I.. uh, I mean.." he slowly began to speak back up. "I only have a few things planned coming up but.. uh, how about we try to make plans just a little bit later?" he tried to sound extra cheerful at the end. "I should definitely know then. We can even Skype."

That'd slipped out as he tried to sound more casual.

And now he was berating himself for saying that..

".. Ssure? I mean, that works for me." she sounded a tad disappointed. "Maybe we can Skype this weekend?" 

"Yeah, of course. We can do that and then, we can talk about our plans."

"Yeah.." then she added. "That.. works for me, yeah." 

The sound of her alarm was going off and she quickly turned it off. "Well, I have to go." she said reluctantly. "My-"

"Your ten minute break alarm.." he tried sounded disappointed. Though he was happy the alarm forced an end to their call. He was digging a deeper hole or practically running to a dead end with his ideas.

Though he still had to sell the act.

"Yeah, I have to get ready for midterms and I have to prep for my college prerequisites and.." she quieted down before finding her voice. "But, I'll make time. for you." she quickly added before saying, "At least we still have this weekend. We can talk as much as we want then." 

And that didn't sit well in his stomach.

Hopefully their talk won't break that three hour mark. That'll be cutting it way too close for his daughter to start crying and needing something from him;.. milk, needing to be rocked, changed, a mixture of the two or three..

And that's _having_ that she goes to sleep directly before their Skype call and...-

"Right. Yeah, we have the whooole day. Eheh." he could feel the awkward smile on his face as he berated himself more for saying that..

He did _NOT_ have the whole day. If anything, the complete _opposite_. 

"Can't wait." and even she seemed to be trying to sound cheery at the end. "Well, I.. really have to go.-BUT, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day."

"Yeah, uh." he looked at the baby as her eyes slowly began to flutter close. "You, as well, Connie." he stated stiffly. "Can't wait to Skype this coming weekend. Hopefully we'll decide on a day to hang out." 

He practically had a shovel in his hand, just digging away at the endless ground below..

"Yeah, hopefully we can." she said, before softly adding, "Well.. see ya, Steven." 

"See ya later, Connie." and he had his smile on his face, once again, hoping the smile would somehow be heard through his words. 

She was the first person to hang up and he pressed the button on the screen of his device and laid it down haphazardly olon the seat beside him. 

He let out a sigh from relief? being tired? Being apprehensive of their next meeting? 

He looked down at his daughter's eyes just barely open as she began to drift off to sleep. 

Thankfully she didn't cry during the call. 

She gave him a little break and he was incredibly happy for that. 

He stifled a yawn. 

And.. extremely _tired_

But that was a different story. 

He was going to stay up.. 

He stifled another yawn and leaned in and kissed his daughter on the cheek. The infant cracked open her eyes faintly before they began to close once more. "She can't ever know about you." he whispered to her. "Ever." 

And he was going to make sure of that. As painful and perhaps even as _mean_ as it sounded, he was going to make sure that no one knew about any of this.

Especially not Connie..

Another stifled yawn and slow blink of eyes as he felt himself leaning forward as he drifted off.

The call not being able to keep him awake..

His body fell forward and he snapped himself awake and yanked his self back as he clung his arm and the infant to his chest.

He should put her in the bassinet..

He slid towards the edge of the seat and placed a kiss on her forehead before placing her down gently in the small crib. "As always.. sweet dreams." he whispered. _Tiredly._

After another glance to make sure the sleeping infant was safe and sound in the bassinet, he turned back around in the recliner and leaned forward and went back to placing his arms on his knees.

Just a couple more days..

Then.. he'll try to take a quick nap first to test the waters.. see how everything goes before he reconsiders going back to sleep.

Then.. it's Skyping with Connie. Something that he both wanted and _not_ wanted to do.

He sighed as he hung his head low.

He was just so tired..

He needed a break..

And he _knew_ he wasn't ever going to get that.

With a forced indifference he tried to not let his mind run with those thoughts.

He sat there, trying to stay up as he, instead, pondered on how he could get better as a single parent while hiding this huge secret and.. while _deeply_ trying to give his daughter that perfect, special life that he strongly felt that she deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who can resist giving cuddles to a widdle newborn ~o~ Apparently not Steven.  
>   
> Also, woohoo! Connie finally made her debut! Er... well, partially? 🤷 At least she finally got to speak in the fic 😃


End file.
